Missing Link

The Element(s) of Freedom

2010-01-31T15:34:00.003-07:00

Wowza, it's been a loonngg time since I've updated this blog. I feel like such a neglector! Ha :). But the good news is that I finally have something creatively relevant to say so it's time to post.

I entered the NYC Midnight Madness Short Story Contest again this year. The heat I was placed in had to write a story in the genre: drama and the subject I had to write about was a Photographer. Only having eight days to write a 2,500 word short story I struggled with both the genre and topic for the first two to three days. In frustration I finally just went back to the old rule of thumb to write what I knew. I had a terrible head cold the day I started writing the story and was frustrated with more than just my story. From that less than ideal circumstance I came up with a story entitled, 'The Element(s) of Freedom'. By the end of it I had worked through self discovery as much as my character and ended up creating a story within a story.

If you want to read the whole thing, click here: The Element(s) of Freedom

If you just want to read the summation of the self discovery read on.

There is an aching potential in all of us, this desire to be utilized and to be seen, to be beautiful and contribute something of beauty to society and life. So often the human struggle begins and ends with the means of discovery and unlocking that potential. And sometimes the risk it takes to expose that raw element of our core being seems more painful than missing out on meeting the fullness of the life we could attain. The unknown is just that. Who knows what obstacles, barriers, rejections and hardships we may or may not face on the road to blooming?

In my research I found that a flower simply requires warmth, light and just the right amount of water to bloom. Our souls require the warmth of relationship, the light that exposes, teaches and leads us and just the right amount of tears in order to reach our potential. And when you find that staying tightly closed in a bud of mediocrity is more painful than the risk that’s required to bloom, then and truly then, you will know the element of freedom.

My Two Cents

2009-06-22T14:13:00.004-06:00

I read something today that confused me. It was written by an acquaintance of mine who was talking about a social issue and what they believed in regards to it. They took a stand on one side of the issue and it was a noble stand that I think many of us would mentally ascend to taking. But in my initial admiration I started looking at this specific person's conduct relative to the issue they were speaking of and the experiences I've personally had with this individual. It made me wonder what side they really were on. Their actions and words did not match.

It's easy to put in words what we think we believe. And in some ways just expressing our values can blind friends and loved ones who want to believe what we're saying. Identifying our principles also make us feel better about ourselves and where we stand...But when these things are tested, tempted and teased our actions, not our words, end up defining what we believe.

And honestly I am not writing this as one who stands at a vantage point of judgment but instead I speak of personal experience. There is a lot of things I said I stood for, believed in and valued. I've been through a lot of testing in the last year or so and learned about myself that my actions and my spoken values are truly something I need to work on matching up with the other. It's tougher than it seems when you are walking through the fire!

SOME of My Favorite Combinations of Words

2009-06-04T14:10:00.003-06:00

Still lacking significant inspiration to form my own stream of thoughts. So instead I wanted to share with you some of the words that inspire me.

"I see before me a man, with all his good and all his bad. I simply see a man."

Those are the goggles I see people through. We're all human, we all have our fair share of good and bad and we all need love!

"There's always some madness in love but there is always some reason in madness!"

While you may not have to search at all for the madness, you most likely will have to search for the "reason". It's worth the hunt.

"Lost are the days of innocent guiltlessness. Lost are our heroic dreams and everlasting intrigue. Never to be lost are our tempted hopes."

Never lose hope. If you lose that, you truly lose everything!

"Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." Rumi

When you find love it is often like finding a long lost, missing piece of yourself. It's when your heart finds commonality, extension, rest and passion in anothers. And then you realize it was there all along, you just needed the right person to awaken it.

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." SYDNEY J. HARRIS

I've certainly found this to be true in my life. The saying, "Live with no regrets" has some truth. If you regret the things you have done, change. Move on. If you find regret for the things you haven't done, didn't say, etc. And the opportunity has now passed you by, that you can never change.

I Tweeted a Story or Two

2009-05-28T15:57:00.004-06:00

It has been way too long since I've updated here. I miss my personal blogging but have been lacking both the time and inspiration of late. I'm not the type of blogger that likes to write and update everyone on my life happenings. I try to approach my blogging like a public journal of my random thoughts and opinions, giving me a forum to express myself. But I did decide to update today with a few personal life items for the entertainment and lucrative value.

Recently entered another writing contest. It is called Tweet Me A Story and is hosted by New York City Midnight Madness. I had to write a story using a word that was randomly assigned to me. The story could only be 140 characters in length including spaces. Thus the title "Tweet" as the contest was inspired by the length limitation of Twitter (you can now follow me on Twitter if you are so inclined to recieve my oober exciting updates at Marian116). The word assigned to me was Sharp. These are the top 3 stories I submitted:

1. The knife so sharp, the flesh on her finger a delicacy. A pineapple its one obstacle to penetration. Salivating, sliding, slipping…success!

2. My will to survive fortified. It came down to my life or my arm. The sharp agony of pain intensified as I began to saw through flesh & bone.

3. A nurse approached my bed, needle in hand. Panting, sweating I turned my head. The prick was sharp and precise. My world is fading to black.

I found the contest extremely entertaining and somewhat challenging. Most who have read and critiqued the first story have requested clarification. It is basically a concise version of a time I cut my finger with a very sharp knife while slicing a pineapple. It is written from the knife's p.o.v. :)

You can always catch my writing on examiner.com. I have a link to it to your right on this page. I think some of my followers and friends have misinterpreted that site as another blogging spot for me. It's not. I am employed by Examiner to be a reporter on National Pop Music. And while they give me liberty to write about whatever I went within that sphere I don't make money unless I pick popular topics that people are searching for online. It's not that I'm crazy about all the artists or bands I am writing about but I report what I find to be hot and popular. Simply stated that is how I earn the cash. If you wanna help me out, just hit my site once a day. Even if you don't read what I post, your mouse click nets me some money.

Since this blog entry is getting way too long for my liking, I'm gonna sign off for now. Keep checking in. I will try to get back on the bandwagon here!

Hugs and Love to you!

Appearances

2009-03-20T13:41:00.004-06:00

Is it better to maintain the "appearance" of innocence or to be innocent of maintaining "appearances"?*

Would you rather have people thinking the best of you while you constantly maintain the appearance of having your world all put together. Or do you prefer to live openly and shield the shots in judgment and criticism as they fly by? It's just human nature - we all do it - we judge things and make assumptions based on what we see right?

Many people from my past and present are rising up and asking me about what they see or what "appears" to be a reality in my life recently. Most of the concerned critics wouldn't have a window into my world if it weren't for cyberspace and social networking. With that in mind I accept responsibility for what I share. And often what is posted on those sites is a reflection of the truth but is often only one small aspect and fragment of my reality.

Regardless of people's perception of me and who they thought I was and am, etc. I have been authentic in my posting both here and on my social networks. It's only a small percentage of what I do and how I spend some of my time but this small percentage is just as real as what you don't see me doing.

I can't fairly be upset for long at those who form their opinions of me based exclusively on what they see online. After all I'm the one willingly sharing and posting both online and off. I guess that is the price I pay to be innocent of maintaining the "appearance" that makes perception comfortable. I'm secure enough in my world to face the scrutiny and controversy that authenticity brings.

*copyright - Marian Tuin, 2009 - All Rights Reserved

A Little Yin in Your Yang

2009-03-02T14:24:00.004-07:00

Why is it that our human nature often wants what we can't have? What is it about the "can't" or "no" that makes whatever that thing is more attractive? And you know what I've found? Just the knowledge that I can't have what I want doesn't always save me from going after what I can't have.

In some regards I guess that's a good thing. Like when someone tells you you can't reach your goal or accomplish your dreams and then you do it any way. And maybe that's why we have the constant struggle with the things we can't have. Maybe it's because a percentage of the time we actually need to push through and grab the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Can I just say, the struggle over all the rest really sucks. Especially if you are a stubborn red-headed girl!:)

Control

2009-02-25T14:52:00.003-07:00

"I can change almost anything. I can't change human nature."

Funny how quotes are interrupting my thoughts and influencing my writing of late. I heard the one above on a new sci-fi-ish movie preview last night. It was a most unlikely place for inspiration and I have no idea what context the quote is taken from but how true it rings.

There's a lot of things in our lives we can change from our hair and eye color to the size of our lips, chests, stomachs... We can change our look, we can change where we live, who we associate with. We can change our names, our jobs, the stations we watch and/or listen to. We can change how and what we eat, drink, wear. We have been given the power by technology and our creator to change almost anything save one integral part of life, human nature.

In general I know what human nature is defined by. Our thoughts, emotions, our heart. But I wanted to find a technical definition as reference to my own interpretation. Wikipedia defined it as: The set of logical characteristics, including ways of thinking, feeling and acting that all normal human beings have in common. However, it is possible to change thoughts, feelings and even actions; they are temporal and fleeting. So what is it about human nature that we can't change?

We can't change how others will turn and direct their thoughts, feelings and actions towards us. And as much as I've wanted to do that at times, it's never worked out for me. So I guess I took the long way around to simply say, the only real control I have in this universe is over myself. And truly accepting that is profound.

Making Love

2009-02-17T14:30:00.004-07:00

I ran across a quote yesterday that I loved and it provided much food for thought. The quote said this,

"Most people don't know how to make love."

Initially my thoughts turned toward sex as most of yours just did;), so I'll start there. What is making love vs. having sex? On a basic level sex only requires the physical meeting of two partners. Making love suggests emotions and intimacy and is usually indicative of a relationship. In a culture saturated with skin and sex and lust I'd have to agree many don't know how to slow down, connect and MAKE love...

But making love outside of the bedroom is also a legitimate issue most people don't take the time to do. It takes caring and effort to create love in the space of your world. To give love to the people who love you and others who don't, isn't easy and is certainly risky! What if you loose that relationship? What if the person rejects your attempts to love? What if in giving love you loose and get hurt?

We're all so used to the generics in life. Getting the physical fix without the emotional fulfillment. And why? I think for most it's easier that way. It's self-protection. If we don't get attached, make love and/or get our emotions involved we don't get hurt. By keeping love at bay we can walk away and brush it off if it doesn't work out. No harm no foul.

Not me, I wanna know how to create and make love and do it well! I don't care how much it hurts. The pay off of real love is so much more than the generic version. To live and to love without restraints and regrets, to me, is truly living. Seriously what else were our emotions and senses given to us for?

Experience life, feel it! Do it people. And know I love you!:)

M.I.A.

2009-02-09T13:24:00.003-07:00

I can't believe it's been almost three weeks since I updated here. What kind of a blogger am I?? Definitely not active enough on this site of late. That is in part because I've been posting 2-3 times per week on examiner.com. I've spent a lot of time I would have otherwise allotted to blogging trying to familiarize myself with their publishing tools and system. I am enjoying writing for examiner because it combines two things that I love - music and writing! So if you miss me (I hope so) and need a quick blog fix you can always jump over there to hear my random music raves, reviews and opinions several times a week. And if there is anything you want me to research and write about send me your ideas. I'm always open to that!

Becuase I'm in the music creative vein I ran into a song while digging through the Grammy nominations last week that I absolutely love!! I relate to it on so many different levels. One of the lines in this song says: "A life perfect, ain't perfect if you don't know what the struggle's for.". That line exposed new elements of an old fundamental truth. In reality we never reach the "perfect" life but we all dream and anticipate getting to a happy place in our journey's. A place where we've accomplished goals we've set and dreams we've worked to achieve. But we can't get there without the struggle and neglect, even poverty. The struggle is what makes the end result taste all the sweeter. If you never fight for anything, you never win...The struggle is part of the perfection in the end.

I'll leave you with those thoughts...and as always my love!

XO

Examine This

2009-01-21T08:43:00.003-07:00

I have been busy burning a hole in my keyboard lately!! I'm chasing down lots of writing opportunities as usual and...I finally have a small writing breakthrough:). I was accepted to blog on Examiner.com. I am the National Pop Music Examiner and will be paid based on how many hits I generate to my page. Yeahya! I was hoping to entice you to "pop" in over there and check me out from time to time...Or all the time is fine too:). To find me you can click here: Pop Music Examiner or simply go to examiner.com and search National Pop Music Examiner. I will also be adding the link to the "I'd Hit That" List to your immediate right. I only have one blog posted but hope to get busy with a couple more soon. I'm still trying to figure out their system and process.

In other news, I turned 30! Yep I've officially joined the young and accomplished club, ha:)! And I want to say thank you to all of you that made my day AMAZING. I was truly overwhelmed by your love and wishes. There were so many different ways you all made my b-day special from the gifts and cards to the 30+ of you that showed up to celebrate with me. I truly look forward to paying the love forward to all of you all year long!

And believe it or not, that is only the tip of the iceburg for me this year! I will post more updates and blogs as they materialize. I hope to keep the momentum rolling!

Love to all of you!

Digging for Gold

2009-01-04T15:02:00.003-07:00

You will miss out on so much of life if you fail to look deeper than the surface of any human being!

I LOVE people. It's just the way I was made. I've tried to live by this rule for much of my life and I feel that I'm richer for doing so. I try to look at people from the inside out and then form my first impressions, not the other way around. At times it's easier than others but I have found good in every person I've met in life. You'll never be sorry if you approach the people in your world this way. And like me, you'll probably fall in love with people if you succeed! :)

Everyone out there has something to offer and so much will be missed if you don't take the time to dig for gold!

Wrappin' 2008 Up...

2008-12-31T13:53:00.007-07:00

Wow, so 2008 is gone in 10 hours +/-! I wish I had an eloquent flow of words to sum up my year and wrap it up with a bow. I don't though and it's probably appropriate given the scope of it all :). Probably the best way to summarize is to just re-list my Life Lessons from the year in consecutive order. I think you'll see as I did, that I've grown up a lot, especially in the last quarter of '08. I hope to continue my list in '09. Life is indeed learning.

Happy New Year to all of you. And my love too!;)

My Life Lessons of 2008

1. The consumption of alcohol cannot be sustained over a 7 hour period without consequences, (you'd think I would have learned that before now - maybe its just a lesson we have to re-learn from time to time).

2. Don't let my neighbor Ed mix you a drink - pretty much EVER! I was warned and I didn't listen to the warning. My bad.

3. Grace and forgiveness given where it is undeserved can be more cleansing and painful than the judgement and punishment we think we deserve.

4. When you suck at life (like I do now) don't abort the process of healing. Things never go away, and you'll deal with it eventually.

5. There is no substitute for time. It heals much and is a true revealer. If ever you are unsure, unsettled, a mess, a tragedy or even needing a change, give it time.

6. Life is learning! This perhaps should be #1 in my list:)...

7. Your life, my life, our lives are impacting other people in ways we will never know...Which means you don't have to be successful to be influential. Make the most of the people and the moments in life.

8. Don't be too cowardly to accept responsibility for actions and liabilities. It makes us better people in the end.

9. I am gullible! All the writing jobs I got so excited about and even blogged about turned out to be SCAMS! Three in a row. I figured I had nothing to loose by applying and following the application processes through. Nothing to loose perhaps but a scosh of pride. However despite the scammers I do believe I am a bit better for the experience. And I do have an authentic opportunity on the fire I will be keeping quieter until it transpires (if it does).

10. It's okay to make mistakes - even major ones - if you allow the mistakes to make you. In other, way overused terminology freakin' learn from them. You'd think I'd have learned this one by now, but this year it was amplified. :)

11. Until you find yourself and know who you are and where you are going, you'll never be able to lead any other. Simple in concept, profound in life experience.

12. It's okay to be self-centered in moderation. If you don't take care of yourself how can you authentically give to others for any sustainable amount of time?

13. Friends are proven and/or fail in times of struggle and faltering. The results of a true test of friendship will unceasingly surprise you.

14. Don't give up on a difficult time or process. Never give up. It's always worth the fight, victory and even defeat.

Take it or Leave it, Earn it AND Spend it!

2008-12-22T16:23:00.004-07:00

In my life, I've long held close the belief that money can be earned and spent but time - you can never get it back. You can only spend it once. And though I've believed this for more of my life than not, I haven't lived it fully yet. Life and time are precious commodities! I want to spend them living and breathing in the moments and making the memories. That is all I can take with me and that is all I can leave behind me!

I've stood on the threshold of change this year. And I stood there for way to long. Looking out over what I could do, what I might do, should I do it? And just before 2009 hits I'm ready to change, to take that first step forward. It took understanding myself, what I believe of purpose, people, destiny vs. fate, life... I absolutely don't understand it all BUT I'm ready to spend now in the dance of it all. I'm ready to learn and grow. I know who I am and where I want to go. I'm excited for once to be me! To live on purpose. To go take what I know and believe to be my dreams and intents. Even more exciting still will be the experiences and the people and the love and trial I will find in the interim of it all.

"Cherish your yesterday's; dream your tomorrows, but live your today's!"

In the Midst of Beautiful Chaos

2008-12-16T13:34:00.007-07:00

This weekend I was part of a holiday fashion show. It was my first time modeling on the runway and I was pretty sure I didn't measure up. From the minute I walked into the open casting call two weeks previous to the show I felt less than typical as a model. It was insane how quickly my mind focused on and emphasized my physical features and inadequacies. In a healthy sense I have no problem with this to a point because I believe it is important to take care of our bodies. But there is a line and I definitely crossed it. When I found out I was in the show I really started going mentally crazy wondering how I could drop 5 pounds in a week by starvation or any method possible. My competitive nature came out and I focused on getting my body ready to compete with the other skinnier models hitting the catwalk with me. I even considered giving up my addiction to Starbucks!! But only for a second.

When I arrived at the venue on Saturday I was nervous. My rapid weight loss strategy had simply failed because I like food and Starbucks too much!:) My nerves worsened as the other models started showing up. I felt like they easily showed me up!! For the first part of the evening that preceded the show, I considered leaving, not lining up, etc. But finally decided to follow through with my commitment and face my fear. I faded into the background while the photographers snapped all the beauties in action. Everyone seemed more interested in where the photographers were and being in the shot with the "VIP's" than in anything else. As I observed the other ladies it was easy to see they had put much emphasis on developing and maintaining their exterior beauty. However the level of alcohol consumption steadily increased as the minutes ticked down to show time which made me wonder if perhaps some of these girls also had hidden insecurities with themselves.

When we finally lined up to strut our stuff on stage (two hours late!) I still wasn't feeling super confident. I was ready to get it over with but worried about being the fool of the show. And then it happened. One of the experienced models stumbled off stage almost falling. And she wasn't the last one that did so. That's when it hit me. A piece of knowledge conveniently misplaced in the midst of beautiful chaos. I knew who I was...and whether beauty showed up on the outside or not I have spent much time developing it on the inside. I could confidently do this with the inner poise I have developed over the years. With that in mind I stepped on the stage and struck my first of three poses. By the grace of God, someone caught a good shot!! And while a look of trepidation still lingers in my eyes I think in the modeling world that can be mistaken for a sultry look or attitude? Ha!:) And that's what I'm going with!
DISCLAIMER: My writing is based on generalizations and assumptions of the ladies I observed. The statements included are solely my opinion. And I should say the friend of mine who got me involved in this event is a model who is a classy individual in every aspect. Thanks for the friendship and experience Sahsha!;)

To Put it Lightly

2008-12-11T16:14:00.005-07:00

I feel like I'm always logging in here and writing about serious or heavy topics. And during the holiday rush I would rather be happy and write about something to take my mind as well as yours off of the stress the season can sometimes bring. So I just sat here, fingers poised over the keys of my keyboard, for at least 10 minutes trying to think of a lighter subject, maybe even with a humorous flare. Nothing came to me. In case you couldn't tell from my writing in this blog, I actually do like to be silly and have a decent sense of humor. BUT when it comes to writing somehow it evades me! RaWr!!:) Since I have no "lighter" subject inspiration I decided to write about my lack of ability to write humorously. And the irony of it all is that, tongue in cheek, this might be ridiculous and funny in itself?? :)

Wanted:
Topics that are lively and entertaining, humorous, strange, etc. Challenge me, send them my way and see if I do them artistic justice.

Having Myself

2008-12-03T16:36:00.002-07:00

"I feel like I got myself back. I may never have even had myself - but I do now."

I stole this quote from an article I read last month in a magazine. It perfectly articulates a lot of things I have wrestled with. About a year ago I looked at my life in a surreal way and as blessed as I was and am I knew there was more to me than what I had achieved. I felt I had cheated myself out of some of the dreams I had. And I started to look for reasons why and who was standing in my way. I found out the hard way that the only person standing in my way was me!

I feel like we're raised to look for the "happily ever after". It's in every book you read as you grow up, in all the romantic comedies we watch, it's a subliminal message that permeates our culture. And in pursuit of that "happily ever after" I think we sometimes forget what makes us truly happy. It's the journey that brings us to the ending, the "happy place" we are all seeking. As a writer my story endings are short and sweet. They wrap things up and that's it. The meat of the story is the important part, the details, the conflict, the struggle, the characterization, the pursuit that brings you to the sweet conclusion...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that a year later I've learned a lot of tough things about how we get to "happily ever after", or just to be happy. If you get there at all it has a lot to do with you, with me. Your own happiness starts in your heart. It's not a set of circumstances or the right Mr. or Ms. It's not something out there waiting to be found. I'm still working on that and think I will be for awhile but at least I've unlocked a piece of the mystery.

Happy Holiday Season to you! MUCH love!! XO

Simple In Concept, Profound In Life Experience

2008-11-12T15:17:00.004-07:00

At the beginning of this year I decided to keep a running list of the "life lessons" I learned in 2008. I have posted them throughout the year in this blog as I have realized them. To catch up and review my list to date click on the following posts:

8 Days In
To Be a Waitress and Other Updates
Still Making My List

Here's a few more...

9. I am gullible! All the writing jobs I got so excited about and even blogged about turned out to be SCAMS! Three in a row. I figured I had nothing to loose by applying and following the application processes through. Nothing to loose perhaps but a scosh of pride. However despite the scammers I do believe I am a bit better for the experience. And I do have an authentic opportunity on the fire I will be keeping quieter until it transpires (if it does).

10. It's okay to make mistakes - even major ones - if you allow the mistakes to make you. In other, way overused terminology freakin' learn from them. You'd think I'd have learned this one by now, but this year it was amplified. :)

11. Until you find yourself and know who you are and where you are going, you'll never be able to lead any other. Simple in concept, profound in life experience.

12. It's okay to be self-centered in moderation. If you don't take care of yourself how can you authentically give to others for any sustainable amount of time?

13. Friends are proven and/or fail in times of struggle and faultering. The results of a true test of friendship will unceasingly surprise you.

14. Don't give up on a difficult time or process. Never give up. It's always worth the fight, victory and even defeat.

Sending my cyber love to you all. Until next time...

Shadows

2008-11-03T14:20:00.003-07:00

Being misunderstood is not a great feeling. Worse still is not being able to articulate a defense for the misunderstanding. There seems to always be a balance between the perception and the reality of things in life...the shades of grey perhaps. The things that can't be defined by words but only felt in the heart and soul. What I've learned is that sometimes you have to leave those shadows as undefined and walk on. Not everyone will understand even if you could find the words.

The Latest...

2008-10-27T14:32:00.005-06:00

Updates! Unfortunately I don't have much to update on the writing front. I turned in both applications for the jobs I was after and I have heard...NOTHING! Boo :(! One of the jobs I was applying for had at least 70 other qualified applicants so I wasn't holding my breath. That is tough competition. However for the music blog I was only up against about 20 or so others. I returned my portion of the application/assignment last Tuesday and I expect to hear something this week if it is a yes...Otherwise, back to the drawing board. I still have a few more writing projects firing so all opportunity is not lost:).

As far as The Denver Marathon goes, it is gone and it went well! Our relay team competed in the ING portion of the Marathon a week ago Sunday. I'm pleased to report I did accomplish my goal of running 9 miles at a pretty decent speed. I completed my leg in exactly 9 minute miles on average. The first 3 miles were faster than that but obviously I didn't maintain my opening pace. I felt good during the race and I am contemplating a half marathon in the not too distant future...I am not sure why:)! As a whole our relay team did SUPA in the marathon and we all managed to run as well or faster than we'd hoped! Our team results were above average but most importantly we had a lot of FUN!! Thanks Alana, Eric, Andrew and Whitney!!

That's it for now. I will check back in with another blog later this week. Happy Monday!

Controversy!

2008-10-17T16:25:00.004-06:00

And I love it...The controversy that is. I changed one simple letter in my name and it has sparked a reaction. Marion/Marian is a gender neutral name like Taylor or Shawn/Sean, etc. My parents chose to spell my name the way my Grandmother spelled hers (whom I am named after). Technically speaking Marion spelled with the "on" is the male spelling and the "an" is the female version. I am girly and like pretty much all things girl, like pink, high heels, dressing up...So why not use the "pink" version of my name? I'm not changing it afterall:).

I've debated changing the spelling off an on throughout my life but have never done anything about it. I looked into changing it legally this year and decided against it purely for monetary and laziness reasons (i.e. filling out the paperwork, filing it, or paying someone twice or three times as much to do it for me). But since the phase hasn't passed I decided to adopt the alias a week or so ago. Just for fun...Just to see how it went and if anyone would notice. I changed the spelling of my name on my Myspace and Facebook pages as well as on my email signatures.

To my surprise the people that have noticed and been brave enough to speak up haven't liked the new spelling urging me to stick with tradition. I am amused and enjoy the feedback. It's only a simple letter, a vowel change to be specific, and it has sparked such a strong response.

So tell me...if you dare, what do you think? Marion or Marian?

P.S. (Thanks to all of you who responded to my previous blog by email or comment. I recieved some great ideas and input. I hope to incorporate most, if not all of it should I get the position. I have narrowed my topic and will turn in the writing assignment which is the next step of the application process by Monday. Updates to follow soon.)

Enjoy your weekend and wish me luck in mine. Nine miles to conquer with my running on Sunday!

Taking Suggestions...Now :)

2008-10-13T13:32:00.003-06:00

If you recall back in August I wrote a blog entitled "Busting Through"...? I have been somewhat relentless in that area when it comes to my writing career. In the last few months I've been chasing down leads and responding to every job ad I feel qualified for. If nothing else has come of this crazy year it is that I have definitely found my niche creatively...I am a writer and I will not stop until I get paid to do what I love;). And at that, I'm not even sure I care if I get paid monetarily as long my writing manages to reach people and/or impacts my immediate world.

SO, to the updates. In the last week I've gotten two opportunities to interview for paid writing positions. One is for a new local magazine in the works and the other is for a new, upcoming music site that is hiring bloggers. Which is where I thought you might come in handy. I am in need of a "musical" topic to blog about. The emphasis is that I write about anything under the category of "music" but I do have to have a specific topic I can blog about weekly for 4-5 months at least. The topic has to be specific enough to write intelligently about but broad enough to write about for a wide range of time. In addition I need to somehow tie that topic back into the Colorado music scene. I have to submit an outline of my first six blogs by next Tuesday, at which point they will choose the top 3 writers out of 20 some. I want to be one of them.

So here's my request...Send me topic ideas! I do have in mind a general direction I want to head in but I also want to find out what you would enjoy reading. Since I already have a small audience here it would be great to hear your feedback and generate some interest in this new site should I get hired. Of course keep in mind I need your ideas ASAP since I have to get my outline together this week. You can either respond here by commenting or email me at: marion@2ncivil.com.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon! I will most definitely keep you posted on the results of both of these writing opportunities.

Ever So Close

2008-10-06T14:38:00.004-06:00

Just thought I would post a few quick updates. Back in August I posted a blog about the relay team I was putting together to run in the Denver Marathon on October 19th. The race is now less than 2 weeks away and our team is still solid and training. I might add our team is comprised of some of my FAVORITE people of all time, including two of my lifer BFF's and my original tequila buddy (shots after the race Andrew?)!!

Since I put the team together I ended up being the runner that opted to take on...err by default got stuck with the 9.1 mile leg. Ha;)! I'm winding down one of my best running seasons to date, so this was a good challenge for me to tackle. However, over the course of my short running career, this is a distance I've been unable to attain in a race setting due to various over use and over training injuries. Training for the Denver Marathon has affirmed in my mind that I like shorter distances much (let me emphasize) MUCH better than longer ones. I've run over 15 miles total each week for the last several weeks with my longest run per week topping out at 7 miles. This week I'm up to 17 miles for the week and my long run will be 8 miles. I've managed to keep my body and muscles semi-healthy this time so it looks like the 9 miles is just within my grasp - quick find me some wood to knock on:). I'm slower at this distance than my competitive nature would like to be but at least I anticipate accomplishing this 9.1 mile long goal. Wish me luck!

Other updates...Ugh...Boo. I wish I had more good news for you. Send some sunshine, cheer and easier days my way. Aside from a healthy running season there aren't many good things going on here. But I continue to smile and believe with all the hope and joy that remains in me, each day brings me one day closer to a breakthrough. Just as each step during my runs brings me one stride closer to my 9 mile goal...And that seems to be enough to keep me going strong.

Hope you are all well. Thanks for popping in...

XO

Life's Crossroads

2008-09-26T15:33:00.003-06:00

Sometimes even the most carefully laid out plans in life bring you to crossroads you never anticipated. You can make all the right choices and be all the right things for your whole life...You can even accomplish goals in timely accurate steps. And then the curve ball of life knocks you down. And it hits you so hard when you get up you're entirely disoriented and don't know which direction to go...Or even if the one you were headed in was the right one. Were the decisions you made earlier the right ones? Are the decisions you're facing now the wrong ones? And the paradox of it all is that you bring yourself to these crossroads by the choices you made one at a time.

The Evolution of Dance

2008-09-22T09:01:00.001-06:00

I though this video was worthy of passing along. Hope you enjoy it:).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

A Happy Little Riddle ha:)

2008-09-08T14:33:00.007-06:00

I'm not really a riddle solver but I think I have one we all want to get our arms around...Happiness!! Isn't it something we're all chasing and something that seems to elude so many of us? I'm not so sure "happiness" is a set of circumstances or emotions that magically lines up and makes us complete. Admittedly there are temporary pleasures and things that make us feel happy for a moment, but those things (i.e. chocolate cake in my case, or the colors changing on the trees in the fall) are not sustainable. They're temporary and seasonal.

Maybe true happiness that lasts is more getting to your core and finding your way in this life. I believe we can control the temperature of our lives. Hot and happy or cold and whatever else you may think your life is right now, to every temperature in between.

Someone told me last week to make myself happy and the rest would fall into place. And though I appreciate that train of thought, I think that I need to choose to be happy no matter what does or doesn't fall into place. A deep inner contentment that comes from knowing the heart of life is good and enjoying and experiencing it fully comes pretty darn close to happiness for me.

A Nation Divided?

2008-08-28T21:49:00.002-06:00

What bugs me about politics and this country right now is that we are NOT "One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all". Right now in the midst of a Presidential election I would venture boldly to say we are one nation divisible and very much divided. The democrats vs. the republicans…The McCainers vs. the Obama’s. I realize that as a responsible American I have the right and the privilege to vote for many things including one man or woman that I choose to represent me as President of my country. I just wish that during a campaign season I didn’t have to be pitted against my friends, neighbors and countrymen for my decision….

In my ideal America I wouldn’t have to watch political parties pit themselves against each other and throw out nasty comments and slanderous insults to the opposing party; but instead raise intelligent and respectful debates and arguments on differing opinions. In my America the President that is currently serving my country is deserving of respect and honor regardless of whether that is who I voted for or not…Yes we’ve been given a brain and a voice and a country that gives us the right to express our thoughts, however; were we given the right to disrespect our fellow countrymen who see life with different perspectives and influences?

So do engage your brain. Please do...Do the research and know what and who you are voting for and definitely WHY. But then, if you must, respectfully defend your position with honor and dignity. I think we would be better served by our public officials if we weren’t encouraged to get into heated, slanderous arguments against each other to defend who we are supporting. If we were allowed to focus on the issues and policies instead of being forced to research what is truth and what is propaganda. We would be better served by intelligent and respectful individuals who set the standard of conduct not by who could deal the lowest blow, with the most convincing and charismatic speech; but by who could respectfully lead a people of various and differing views. Don't you see, all this division distracts us from the real leaders and the real issues??

Just my thoughts...And the good news is, you're not only entitled to express your own but entrusted with the right to do so...:)

Ponder This....

2008-08-25T13:51:00.003-06:00

So I've been thinking about something... Are the things we pass judgement on others about the very things we consciously or subconsciously fear we are susceptible to? Is our human nature attempting to deflect judgement from ourselves in a perceived area of weakness?

Let me give you an example. Integrity or the lack there of in anyone who holds a leadership position whether it be the President of our nation or a Pastor at a local church... Taboo? Socially unacceptable? Yes, yet it happens around us to some level or another all the time. Talk to just about anyone about their Boss, Senator, Governor...friend and they can probably eagerly identify a character flaw, weakness or failing.

Why do we do that, because we all do? Is our judgement truly based in a thought out standard or moral value? Is it because we've been taught it's wrong? OR is it because we sense a weakness in our own character that makes us prone to that type of behavior? Get past the pre-programed "that's just wrong" to the why?

So, what do you think...? Is our judgement of others a shield we use to deflect judgement on ourselves?

Happy pondering:)!

And Life Goes On...

2008-08-18T14:09:00.007-06:00

I attended a wedding this weekend which lead me to add another life lesson to my growing list this year. This particular bride and groom planned their wedding and reception outside, which in August, in Colorado is a relatively safe bet. Of course, this is Colorado and true to form their wedding day happened to fall on the ONLY weekend all summer that brought us a massive rain storm (which I might add lasted all weekend). On the morning of the wedding day they had to find a new venue and relocate the ceremony indoors, in addition to calling all of the RSVP'd guests with the update. They couldn't however, find a location for the reception so it remained outdoors. I felt really bad for the bride, having been one myself once. I just thought of how disappointed I would be having to make adjustments to a day that I literally dreamt about for years. But the bride actually showed great poise in the midst of it.

And in all my observation and pondering I unearthed a life lesson. Life is so unpredictable, even when we carefully lay solid plans in advance. Sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't. But in the end we take what life throws at us and we make it work. And that is what I like to call reality. Life Lesson #9 of 2008 for me.

And speaking of reality...It seems like just yesterday I was adjusting to the rigors of being a parent. I remember thinking one morning after many sleepless nights that I wasn't going to make it. I was going to be a flunky of the first order as a mom. At that particular moment 5 years and school were an eternity away from me until today... Five years later and I'm walking away from my daughters first full day at Kindergarten. I'm not sure how it's possible that I made it from that moment to this one but day by day we took life, made adjustments and along the way she grew up...I'd like to think I'm passing through parenthood now not flunking:).

And life goes on...

Busting Through

2008-08-11T15:04:00.009-06:00

When one door closes often a window is opened up, right? Last week I felt like every door I knocked on slammed in my face the moment it opened a crack. I really couldn't get my foot in any where and to make matters worse I couldn't find any windows either. Believe me, I tried. I'm not one to roll over and accept a "no". I definitely started to feel sorry for myself by about Thursday of last week and I didn't pull my head out til I went to bed on Saturday and was so frustrated that I couldn't sleep which inevitably left me to my own thoughts. Danga! But this time my self-pitiful, irritating thoughts led me to a window that I think might be opening for me and if it's not I'm busting it open and going through any way:).

I have spent this year to date "Unraveling" as I put it in a February post. I've been tearing my life apart to try to get to the core of who I am and what I'm supposed to do with that. By that I mean I've been trying to figure out how to use the talent I have and what I enjoy doing to make a contribution in my world. It is my deep desire to use what I've been given to better this world.

I feel like so few of us take the time to evaluate ourselves and the skill sets we've been given. That usually goes hand in hand with something we enjoy doing. Along with that not many of us enjoy the profession we work in, but we keep going back to it for the paycheck. And before we know it life and time get away from us and we never conquer let alone tackle the dreams we have inside. I decided in December of '07 not to live like that anymore and this process hasn't been easy but I think I'm finally getting somewhere.

I'm not going to make this an eternal blog and tell you all that I've uncovered but I am going to try and start blogging more often and I'm sure it will leak out in later posts:). For now I want to challenge you to do what I did. Start to think about your position in life. Ask yourself questions like, are you happy? Are you where you wanted to be or are you headed in that general direction? What do you enjoy? What are you good at? How can you use that? I know those are a lot of heavy, soul-searching questions but I want to challenge you to get to your core...Know who you are, why you're here, WHAT you believe and WHY...And what you can do with all that! Take your brain off of cruise through this life control...And think:).

I believe with passion that we can all leave a mark in our immediate world and I'm determined to do just that. Starting right here with my writing to you in blog format...

P.S. (I'm going to try to syndicate my blog through Bust A Blog: http://themissinglink.bustablog.com/ so hit me, hit them and send your friends if you find my entries of interest and relevance. Thanks:)!)

Taking One For the Team??

2008-08-01T08:39:00.004-06:00

I'm putting together a relay team to run in the Denver Marathon in October. I'm excited about training with a small group of people and DEFINITELY needed the fitness goal to keep me motivated this summer, especially in our 100° + heat lately...BUT here's the problem. There are four legs in this relay they range in distance from 4 to 9 miles. When I looked into signing a team up I assumed I'd find a runner who wanted to do the 9 mile leg and the rest of us would just fight over the shorter distances. After all there are tons of people out there training for and running in marathons, so what's 9 miles to them? Yeah, um, not so much. Looks like Team Captain, Marion gets to run the 9 mile leg:)! At first I was resistant to the challenge because I know my distances and my personal performance goals. I do run my best races at the 5k (3.1 mile) and 5 mile distances. But this 9 mile challenge is kinda growing on me. I'm not going to set any PR's running this distance but I will be completing something I never have done before which will be rewarding. I'm sure the training won't be easy and I'm sure I'm going to get whiny about it from time to time, but overall I am excited to tackle this challenge. And having a fitness goal that will keep me motivated right up to the beginning of the Holiday season is a plus... Then I can rest...At least for a few months:).

XO

JG8D69D

Contradictions

2008-07-23T14:33:00.005-06:00

I've been posed with a moral and societal dilemma this week. If you think about human nature we are taught two contradicting values. One is to believe in the human spirit and the other is to not trust just anyone easily (especially as a female). Isn't believing in the human spirit trusting that our overall intentions are for the best?

With that in mind, the other night I was out with some of my friends and we met this couple. They seemed nice enough so we gave them some time and attention. A couple of days later they got a hold of us and invited us out for a day at the lake on their boat. I want to trust that their intentions are right but at the same time I have red flags not to trust them. I just met them - I literally know nothing about them. So of course we declined the invitation but that led me to this question. Were they really just being genuine and generous, or was their intent selfish and malicious? I'll never know but it is interesting that these two values are widely accepted and completely in conflict with each other...

Perhaps I'm over analyzing this situation...BUT when it comes down to it I don't think I'm over analyzing the values we are taught to accept...

AND I'll leave you with that for now!! ;)

XO

Catching Up

2008-07-14T15:15:00.003-06:00

I've noticed lately that life and time seem to be slipping away from me faster than I can comprehend. It happens almost every summer but each year it seems to slip by faster than the previous one. So much has happened in the last month I thought I would sit down and jot out some of the highlights.

Megan turned 5 and I officially decided that though she may be getting older I am not!!

I took a 4 day trip to Las Vegas with Eric that was relaxing and expensive, but overall necessary and fun.

Over the 4th of July weekend I decided less than 24 hours before the start of a 5k race to run in it...Not to overstate the obvious but I wasn't mentally prepared for this race nor was I adequately trained to run and somehow, surprisingly finished first place in my age group (Female 20-29) and ran close to a personal record time wise.

I turned in my 2 weeks notice at Hacienda Colorado for many reasons and I'm now gamefully unemployed...AND actively looking again. Send me your hook-ups if you have any:).

Those are just the highlights, but with that said and done the summer is already half way over, I'm less than 6 months away from turning 30 and trying desperately to figure out how to stop the hands of time!:) Any suggestions...?

XO

Simply...SIMPLE:)

2008-06-13T16:18:00.006-06:00

Hey, it's me! Remember I used to blog every once in awhile:)... Haha!:) And it has been a long while since I've actually sat down and typed out my thoughts for a blog. Honestly, it's hard for me to blog right now. I have so much going on and so little of it I want to publish on the internet...

I am sooo soo tired lately. Can you tell? Sleep and I have been missing each other and it effects me more than I'd like to admit. I put up a tough exterior, smile, act like I'm totally fine. But all you have to do is listen to me talk or blog and you can tell. Lil' goofy. Not all the cylinders are firing:). Okay, sorry. Here goes. I am going to attempt a blog.

Since life is a little challenging these days I'm really going back to the simple things to get me through. The friendships that are there to sustain me without judgement regardless of what I say and/or do. The sunshine that warms my heart and my house. The house that protects me when the sun isn't shining. The smile that I can still give authentically in the midst of stress and chaos. The love that I have in my life that remains even when I don't deserve it. The love that I have for other people that keeps me going and giving and believing. The sight that I've been blessed with physically and figuratively to see the beauty and the not so beautiful things in life. And the hope I carry inside; today I am one day closer to a breakthrough than I was yesterday. And each day I am getting closer, progressing.

It's really the simple things we take for granted when times are good that sustain us when times are hard. For me, right now...It's just that simple.

I Was Tagged!

2008-05-05T14:37:00.004-06:00

I was caught in a game of cyber tag and didn't dodge the bullet...So I'm it - here goes...

Someone Said I Had To - - -
Participate in a game of tag.

Four Jobs I've Held
1) Administrative/Marketing Assistant for High Country Engineering and now 2N Civil. Really one of my most interesting jobs, not only because I learned a lot about civil development but also because I got to work with lots of guys (engineers, and contractors) and I tried to learn about them too! :)

2) Hygeine Coordinator for Anderson and Heim DDS. Not one of my fav. positions but I learned a lot about dental health and maintenance. You only get one set of teeth as an adult and believe you me it is worth taking care of them! I mostly scheduled, and confirmed appointments but towards the end they let me assist in easy dental procedures. That part was cool! There was also A LOT of drama at this job!

3) Church Secretary for a church I will not name reasoning being it is better left unpublished on the net. This started out being a great job for me with incredible hours and great pay...But when it came down to it I had more integrity than the people that ran the church and it didn't end well! If you want the full story and have some time ask me.

4) Waitress at Hacienda Colorado. This is my most recent position and so far I'm likin' it. I NEVER saw myself doing something like this as I've had a fear of carrying drinks on a tray for as long as I can remember. No dropped trays or spilled drinks yet (knock on wood) and I'm good at working the peops. It's fun! Come see me!

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over
I'm not much of a movie watcher so I'm not sure I could watch any of these over and over again but here are my favs. that I do watch every so often:)!
1) Strange Brew - great 80's comedy:)
2) The Notebook - cheesey? yes, amazing love story? yes:)
3) Sweet Home Alabama - see above - what can I say I'm a chick
4) Hotel Rwanda - just a must see and a must remember so history doesn't repeat itself but I believe it already has in Africa:(

Four Places I've Lived
They are all in Colorado - very unexciting but here goes:)...
1) Basalt, CO - lived there til I was 8 or 9
2) Carbondale, CO - was there til I was 14
3) Glenwood Springs, CO - born there and finally lived there, it's the place I truly consider my hometown
4) Denver, CO - or the burbs specifically known as Highlands Ranch (where I reside now).

Four TV Shows I Like
Oh do I have to admit this;)
1) Survivor
2) Biggest Loser
3) Men In Trees
4) The Deadliest Catch

Four Favorite Foods
1) Potatoes - baked, fried, mashed, cakes YUM!!
2) Italian
3) Chocolate Cake - moist, warm and rich
4) Chicken fried steak or chicken

Four Places I'd Like to Be
1) The Beach in Hawaii
2) The Oregon Coast
3) San Diego - LOVE that city!
4) Alaska - but only in their summer season and only for a vacation type thing

Four People I Tag
Oh look out I'm gonna getcha...! :)
1) Alana!! Cause I love ya!
2) Terry - Have you ever blogged? I challenge you:)!
3) Sarah - You're always down for a fun game of tag:)!
4) Billy - cause I'm sure you could make a blog like this exceptionally entertaining!

Still Making My List

2008-05-01T13:28:00.004-06:00

For those of you who just started reading my blog, this particular blog is a running list I am keeping this year of the things I have learned. To see the list in its entirety click on the links below:

8 Days In
To Be a Waitress and Other Updates

This is simply the continuation of that list. Love to all of you!

XO

Life Lessons of 2008 Continued...

#6 Life is learning! This perhaps should be #1 in my list:)...

#7 Your life, my life, our lives are impacting other people in ways we will never know...Which means you don't have to be successful to be influential. Make the most of the people and the moments in life.

#8 Don't be too cowardly to accept responsibility for actions and liabilities. It makes us better people in the end.

Eye On The Prize Dude!

2008-04-10T15:51:00.003-06:00

Isn't it usually true that anything of value to us is worth fighting for? I've been thinking some about that question the last couple of days. What is important to me? What is worth fighting for, fighting against and what isn't worth it? I'm trying to reorganize my values and prioritize my life again so I don't really have the answer(s) to this question yet...Generally I know where I want to go but not specifically. How much time and energy have I spent and wasted on things that are really unimportant or trivial? What have I fought for that was really not worth the fight? How long have I been spinning my wheels - looking in the direction of my destination but in actuality not going any where?

To Be A Waitress and Other Updates...

2008-04-04T09:44:00.005-06:00

So, I got a job! And it's not exactly the job I wanted or was looking for but I'm digging it so far. I started working for a local restaurant this week. They will be opening a new store in a new location in May and I am getting trained now to be one of the opening staff members for that store. Technically I was hired to be a "Cocktailer" but right now they are running me through the waitress, or what they call, "Sales Staff" training. I feel like I'm back in school again. I'm studying menus, abbreviations and codes, sauces, ingredients, etc. Since I have no experience in restaurant work its all very new and entertaining to me. I'm thoroughly enjoying the people I am meeting at work and that come in to dine. Most of them kind of crack me up!

But any way, I'm taking the long way around to saying that I'm sorry I've dropped off the social planet this week. I've been loosing my mind to a restaurant. I'll be back and hopefully will have more fun things to write about as a result of this change.

Love to you all...

Life Lesson update for 2008
(You can find the initial list under a post in January entitled "8 Days In"

#5 There is no substitute for time. It heals much and is a true revealer. If ever you are unsure, unsettled, a mess, a tragedy or even needing a change, give it time.

A Piece of Peace?

2008-03-20T08:45:00.006-06:00

The more I understand about the human brain and our actions and reactions to our psyschi, the more I think Psychology 101 should be a required course in all High Schools and Colleges. Maybe if we took a little more time to understand our subconscious and the whys behind what we do, we would better contain our decisions and emotions that sometimes run recklessly and thoughtlessly through life. I know I have learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks simply by taking time to evaluate this side of me. And that makes me think that everyone could stand to gain a little insight to thier psychi...It just might make your immediate world a better place to live in...?

What You Know...

2008-03-16T15:34:00.005-06:00

A basic element of writing is to write what you know. And as simple as that sounds it can be paradoxal to a someone trying to get the story out of their head into words on a page. I don't consider myself an established writer yet but writing is something I do often for mental release and relief. Because of this I write here what I know to be true for me. Some are momentary truths and some are timeless... Just like a song writer writes music and lyrics that usually in some way tie to their life experiences; writers write words, essays, stories, etc. that relate to their lives or the "characters" they know from the relationships they are in.

This realization kind of ties together with my previous post on honesty. It might be somewhat shocking to open my blog sometimes and be surprised by the honesty therein. I am sharing my experiences here...And yes, I probably should take caution with what I publish online but I think I've come to terms with the fact that you might find out more about me with this approach...And I assure you it will be authentic. Like an artist I am painting my colorful often raw thoughts on this canvas:). The picture may not always be a work of art but it will be my own creation:).

I'm not sure all of this will really make sense to you, but it was good for me to put the pieces together:). I thought I would share it in light of the honestly blog I posted the other day.

I hope you are all enjoying your weekend!! Happy St. Patty's Day from a red headed irish girl:)!

XO

Can You Handle It

2008-03-14T08:48:00.003-06:00

I've always been a person who believed strongly in honesty. Of late I have been questioning and re-evaluating my stand on this moral topic...Because I have believed in being honest and living in transparency per se I have been more honest at times than I think people can handle. Just some of the reactions I've received to my blogs lately have surprised me...It seems if you aren't honest people speculate, if you are, people speculate:). And so that leads me to the question so popularly phrased by an old movie, "Can you handle the truth?" or would you rather believe your perceptions of me? Am I better off letting you believe what you want of me or being open and honest leaving myself raw and open for you to read?

They say you can never get behind the view of another and see things exactly as that person sees them. I believe this is because we have all been created uniquely as individuals and therefore we all process life differently. I know it is human nature and we all, no matter how hard we try, look in from the outside of so many things and draw our own conclusions. I do it as much as the next person so...I guess I'm really just musing and wondering at us as humans.

XO

Unraveling

2008-02-19T14:14:00.003-07:00

If our life is a tapestry of fabric that we weave in and out of and weave our lives together on...How do you find individuality on that tapestry? It's not impossible to get things right the first time but it is rare. So is it necessary to unravel some of the fabric to find a unique and individual path? I think it can be...

The best comparison I have for this analogy was when I learned to knit. I started with a basic stitch and a simple scarf. I pulled that dumb thing apart I don't know how many times before I got it right and the stitching consistant. I still made mistakes along the way but for the most part I got it right...AND I finished what I started.

This unraveling that you may see in me isn't necessarily unhealthy though if it effects you it may be painful and scary to watch. It's painful for me too...But I can't re-do until I un-do. And I can't get it right if I don't pull things apart. I may make mistakes on the way to putting my life back together but I will finish this. Be patient:).

I hope that makes sense.

Checking Back Into Reality

2008-02-13T09:29:00.003-07:00

I made it home and I've checked back into reality:). A snowy reality by tonight!! I'm still trying to digest everything that I experienced over the last seven days. But when I have something worth writing about I will update you:). I'd like to think of my time away as only a beginning to some much needed change in my life. Be patient with me and I'll get things figured out:)...

Bittersweet...

2008-02-11T22:09:00.000-07:00

Last day...Didn't really know if I would post a blog today but here I am. I have to say the reality of going back to reality is bittersweet... I won't lie to you - the lazy lifestyle I've enjoyed the past 7 days has spoiled me in some ways:). But I do miss all of you and your daily love...I've been lonely the last two days which I kind of wanted to be:)...It was good for me because it does make me appreciate what I have to come home to...I missed so much having people around who know me and trust me and love me. I missed getting hugs, hearing your voices everyday. I watched people and their relationships the last few days and it made me understand what I have at home. So often we take for granted being known and knowing one another...It is something I, personally, need to survive. This trip has done me a world of good and there are definitely things here I will miss but my heart is in Colorado...And that is enough for me...

I LOVE you and will see you soon.

XO

Breathing

2008-02-10T17:27:00.000-07:00

"...Remember what it's like to come into a beautiful place, a garden or a meadow or a quiet beach. There is room for your soul. It expands. You can breathe again. You can rest. It is good. All is well." Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge

So day five and my soul has finally been allowed to breath and I feel it expanding again. I hope I can take that home with me and not close up again...One of the things I have missed while I've been away is being hugged. I usually get a pretty good daily dose of hugs and I woke up this morning and had an ache for a big squeeze! It's something I must take for granted because I didn't anticipate missing it:).

The last two days I've allowed myself the time to lay around, read, write, think, listen and watch people...And its been good for me. I think its opened me up a lot...Hopefully not too little too late since this is my second to last day but I'll take what I can get.

I saw my "big fish" again today while I was on a run. I think they are porpoises after a little thought and the help of Google:)...Because I was closer today I saw them swimming in a group...AND another highlight of the day was that someone besides me took a picture of me:)! YES! I think it was a sympathy shot because as they were walking by and saw me trying to take a pic. of myself they offered. I laughed and let them take it. I'm so excited to have a picture without my arm in it holding up the camera that I'm posting it witht his blog:)! Haha!!

To borrow a quote from one of the comments left yesterday I would say this sums up a lot for me right now...

"Sometimes you have to tear your whole world apart and put it back together to get it right."

It's time to breath and rebuild...

Dreamer's Disease

2008-02-09T14:09:00.001-07:00

Sorry I didn't get a blog up yesterday:)...I meant to because when I was running on the beach I heard this song and wanted these lyrics to be the words for the blog. This song expresses some of the things I've been unable to adequately convey about what is going on inside of me... Read and/or listen and you will hear my heart. Sorry if it errs on the cheesey side. You all still love me right?!;)

You Get What You Give
The New Radicals

Wake up kids
We've got the dreamers disease
Age 14 we got you down on your knees
So polite, you're busy still saying please
Frienemies, who when you're down ain't your friend
Every night we smash their mercedes-benz
First we run; and then we laugh till we cry
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find the light
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight
Chorus:
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
You only get what you give
Four a.m. we ran a miracle mile
We're flat broke but hey we do it in style
The bad rich
God's flying in for your trial
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find a friend
You feel your tree is breaking
Just then
(chorus)
This whole damn world can fall apart
You'll be ok, follow your heart
You're in harms way i'm right behind
Now say you're mine
(chorus)
Don't let go
We feel the music in you
Fly high
What's real can't die
You only get what you give
Just don't be afraid to leave
Health insurance rip off lying fda big bankers buying
Fake computer crashes dining
Cloning while they're multiplying
Fashion mag shoots
With the aid of 8 dust brothers, beck hanson
Courtney love, and marilyn manson
You're all fakes
Run to your mansions
Come around
We'll kick your ass in!
Don't let go
One dance left

"Big Fish"

2008-02-07T15:11:00.000-07:00
I'm settled in now and much more comfortable with my surroundings and being here:)...I LOVE the change of scenery! It's so different than what I see daily... I saw big fish this a.m. swimming out in the ocean. I say big fish because at first I thought they were the dorsal fins of dolphins but then realized maybe its too cold for dolphins this time of year...I honestly don't know?? So then I thought maybe whales but I really wasn't able to get a good look or know for sure because they were swimming so far out. It did make me happy though to see them in their natural habitat and I'm content to settle my ignorance by calling them "big fish":).

O.k. seriously, to the nitty gritty now...:) One of the reasons I wanted to take this trip was to be alone and take care of myself. I've never had to and/or gotten to do that before and I wanted to know that I could do it...Today I came to peace with the fact that even though I can and may be able to adequately manage life and all that goes with it on my own, it's nice to be taken care of and loved too. Having people in my life that I can trust and who I know do have my back and care about what happens to me or even just care about how I am doing is invaluable...And what made me realize that today was all the love I got from you in phone calls, emails, etc. Thanks:)...

XO

So Far...

2008-02-06T15:39:00.000-07:00
I don't really have anything amazing or profound to write today... I LOVE it here in sunny So. California. I love my location. I'm right on the beach. Between the beach and my hotel is the Boardwalk - I guess that is what it is called...But it is all concrete so maybe that isn't technically accurate??

I didn't do much today a little reading, exploring and people watching. I'm feeling ambitious and may go out tonight for a happy hour drink...?? For those of you worrying about my safety, please don't. I have my head screwed on straight and have been very careful and aware of my surroundings :). It may give you peace of mind to know that this strikes me as a very touristy and SAFE location. There are always lots of people around.

I have to say its a little odd to be completely on my own. I haven't quite known what to do with myself since there are no schedules to keep, no demands...It's interesting:). I'm not sure what I think about it yet. Its's been a looonnnggg time since I've only been responsible for myself.

Any way, now I'm rambling so I'll just get to the pix and let you go until tomorrow:).

A view of the sunset from my patio last night

Oh look that's me...I've learned today that I SUCK at self-portraits. We'll see if I can improve over the next few days:)

Found a Fat Burger while exploring and it smelled so good I went in for some fries...Sad to say this is a pic of what I couldn't finish. I guess I need a buddy to share with:(

A common site around here - surfers!

BUSTED with my BFF for this trip...Blogging to you;).

A Beginning

2008-02-05T12:26:00.000-07:00
There are some places in life that only you can go - alone. Some people will understand and support that but more than likely most people won't. They will question your motivations and intentions, especially if it is out of your character. It is only human nature to do so. I have personally been on both sides of the coin. Today my soul searching journey begins...Alone...I have removed myself from my familiar surroundings, my friends and my family - my comfort zone. I am hoping to find some uninterrupted clarity of mind here.

I will keep you posted and I will post pictures:)! Attached is the view from my room.

XO

On a Lighter Note

2008-01-31T15:12:00.000-07:00
Lately I feel like I've blogged about some heavy topics. It's probably hard to be excited to read my blog when you see titles like "Breakable" and "Love and Pain"...Sorry:)! So on a lighter note I thought I would post a link to a site that made me laugh this week and hopefully will make you at least crack a smile.

Enjoy! XO

You Suck At PhotoShop Tutorials:
My fav. is the second one so if you only have a few minutes to watch - watch that one.

Acceptance

2008-01-25T16:07:00.000-07:00
Learning to accept things that we don't like, things we want to change or control can be one of the most ridiculous, self induced fights with oneself that we'll never win. Especially if you are me, a stubborn red head:)...It's not profound, but I realized recently that accepting things I cannot change can be beautiful if I allow it to be...It has brought out in me a raw honesty with myself and others that I feel has had or will have positive results.

To be candid with you I'll admit I've been a mess lately...Wondering how I got to where I am...It's like opening your eyes in the middle of the night to the unsettling dissillusionment of not knowing your surroundings. I've contemplated what my life would be like had I made different decisions earlier in life...I've wondered why doing the right thing always seemed to be enough for me, no matter what the sacrifice was, and why now it isn't enough. I can't justify my actions and life on rules and expectations. But there are things that I cannot change right now and results of decisions I've made that I cannot walk away from. So that leaves me with acceptance...And I think I finally got my arms around it for the moment.

Acceptance doesn't change feelings or emotions it just changes attitudes and willingness...So for now, I accept the things I cannot change and I'm willing to let go and let fate, faith, and hope take the wheel.

Love and Pain

2008-01-16T11:24:00.000-07:00
Music is my muse and coping mechanism for life...And I've been listening to A LOT of music lately. The other day a lyric in a song caught my attention...

"I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."

Which made me wonder, can you have love without pain? Can you feel one without the other?

To me feeling pain is evidence that I love. If I didn't care about a person or a thing, would it hurt to loose them or it? Love and pain are the perfect ying and yang. I'm pretty sure you can't have one without the other. So bring on the pain when it comes because that only means I have loved. And love is worth it.

8 Days In...

2008-01-08T08:42:00.000-07:00
I decided on New Year's Day that I wanted to write down in a notebook all the life lessons I learn this year. Each lesson comes with a memory and/or experience and my hope is that by recording these things as I go by the end of '08 I will be able to reflect on how far life has taken me. Then I thought why not do it here? I'm pretty candid and open with all my loyal blogging fans and just maybe my life lessons will benefit you too? If not I'm sure you'll at least find some entertainment value in a few of them.

It's only 8 days into the new year and I've already been busy creating some life changing moments so here is the start of my list...

2008 Life Lessons (so far):

1. The consumption of alcohol cannot be sustained over a 7 hour period without consequences, (you'd think I would have learned that before now - maybe its just a lesson we have to re-learn from time to time).

2. Don't let my neighbor Ed mix you a drink - pretty much EVER! I was warned and I didn't listen to the warning. My bad.

3. Grace and forgiveness given where it is undeserved can be more cleansing and painful than the judgement and punishment we think we deserve.

4. When you suck at life (like I do now) don't abort the process of healing. Things never go away, and you'll deal with it eventually.

To be continued...

Breakable

2008-01-04T15:31:00.000-07:00
I wish I had put the thoughts in this song together first...Because it so perfectly describes me right now. Here is a glimpse into my soul - find what you will...

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

Breakable by: Ingrid Michaelson

Highlights of 2007

2007-12-29T15:21:00.000-07:00
After trying without success for almost 24 hours to upload this to my video slider on myspace, I decided to post it here.

For those of you who don't know, I put this slideshow together by request for our office Christmas party. I'm posting it by request also for those of you who missed it the first time around and for those who just requested a repeat performance. I've edited some of it to make it a tish more PC, but other than that it is in the original format:).

Hope you enjoy!

Just a Quick Wish

2007-12-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

I was out for drinks last night with a friend and we were discussing how much our lives have changed in the past year. The more we talked the more it seemed that almost everyone we knew had experienced major life changes in '07 as well. It's interesting...I'm not sure if maybe I just don't notice this shift towards change from year to year or if 2007 was a major year of change for a lot of people...But whatever the case it was significant for us to look back and reflect on how things were a year ago as opposed to what the reality is today.

It lead me to wonder what this next year will bring and what I'll be sitting and reflecting on next year at this time...Whatever it may be, I'm thankful to be experiencing life and the daily pleasures and pains it brings. And my only Christmas wish for this year at this time is that in 2008 when I look back I will find the changes that I choose to be for good and that the things I can't control I will have learned to accept and move forward in with strength.

I wish the same for all of you as well. Merry Christmas!!!

XO

A Blog About Nothing

2007-12-11T15:46:00.000-07:00

Writing has always been a release to me so it is super frustrating when the thoughts inside my head collide and I can't figure out a logical or rational way to express them with words. I've been wanting to update my blog for awhile but with nothing to talk about it seems I'll be leaving you hanging for another week or so. Hopefully I can sort the chaos in my head out soon:).

XO

One Step Behind Reality

2007-11-28T14:35:00.000-07:00
Things here are getting a little wild. After over 7 months of Eric manuevering and trying to buy his engineering division it is VERY suddenly happening. If all goes well, and all the required documents and signatures are aquired, Eric will be the proud owner of Vision Engineering by Monday! Were we anticipating this date as the closing date? No...But ready or not, the bank and the owners are pitching to him. I guess I always thought the closing date would come at the earliest by mid-December the latest being the first of '08. It's funny when you get your mind set on something how a sudden change can interrupt your orbit and throw it off balance. All of this "suddeness" is a little overwhelming to both of us. I readily admit that this is happening at a rate I am not digesting. Which makes me think I am insane to just let this coast right into our lives before we anticipated it. Regardless of my inability to comprehend this I have complete confidence that Eric will smack this pitch right out of the park. This is his time and I know, as well as many others that he of all people can do this and do well with it (the company)!!

For now I'm trying to level believing that we are ready and can handle this on top of the holiday hub-bub, two children and their activities for the holidays, and everything else life gives day in and day out. Perhaps if I had time to think it all through I would melt down. At least this way it is done and we move forward!

If you would have told me a year ago this is where our lives would be today I probably would have laughed at you and I'm sure I wouldn't have believed you for a second...

Thankful!

2007-11-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

Since Thanksgiving is upon us I thought I would jot down a small list of (in no particular order of importance) the things I am most thankful for. I feel like I am often so rushed, especially with 2 kids that I wanted to take a quiet moment of reflection before this holiday slips past me for another year.

Wishing you and your loved ones a warm and happy turkey day!

XO

I'm thankful for life, for breath, for a heart that beats so that I can experience the every day and the mundane.

I'm thankful for love - to give and receive it, to feel it and touch it. To be burned by it and to burn with it...There is no greater wealth.

I'm thankful for my friends and family who understand me (or maybe they don't all the time:)!) but regardless show me what it is to love and be loved.

I'm thankful for a warm house filled with loud and at times screaming children, an often dirty kitchen, and an often dusty shelf filled with memories. These are the sounds and signs of a healthy home.

I'm thankful for my husband. I haven't met a woman or wife yet that is luckier than me. I can't believe sometimes that he is mine and I NEVER want to take him for granted, though I'm sure I do:).

I'm thankful for this quiet moment to reflect on these things. It's quiet because my kids are napping and for that I am thankful too!:)

Without these basic elements in my life, I would be lost. What a great time of year to reflect and remind ourselves that life is a rare and incomprehensible treasure:).

Take Every Breath God Gives You for What It's Worth."

2007-11-08T08:40:00.000-07:00
Yes...Another blog set to music. I can't help it. I've been wanting to blog for a few weeks now about living life with no regrets, getting older, etc. And I couldn't find the words to bring my thoughts to life...Until I watched the CMA's last night and saw Kenny Chesney perform "Don't Blink". And I knew that was it, there was something to build my blog around. I've heard the song before a few times and loved the lyrics but this time I heard the song filtered through what I've been wanting to write about.

Here we are in this game of life and the older we get it seems the faster the game goes. I am now approaching my 30's (turning 29 this year) and I know those who are already there are probably already rolling their eyes at what they think I'm going to say but I'm going to say it anyway - you can keep rolling your eyes...:) It seems that at 30 something changes - either it is that you realize you aren't as young as you want to be anymore or that you realize youth is getting away from you in the blink of an eye. Suddenly 1 year doesn't seem so long and you want to make your time worthwhile, live with no regrets.

I decided after thinking a lot about that statement, "Live with no regrets" that for me that is impossible to do. I live and that in itself is a gift. I don't know how one can truly live without regrets when we can't know, don't know the consequences of all our decisions before we make them or while we are making them. I think I want to get to the end of my life and look back and be thankful for a life lived to the best of my knowledge and ability. I want to look back and like this song writer so aptly put it, see that in a blink of an eye I've lived a life full of love.

And for those of you who may think (or have accused me of) taking life too seriously - believe me I'm not:)! I'm just living! And taking every breath God gives me for what it is worth! I think each breath is priceless!

Patterns of Grey

2007-10-25T14:34:00.000-06:00
Life often doesn't turn according to our expectations and/or anticipation. Lately that has been one of the clearest messages coming across the screen of my life. You think things are going to go one way and they go another. You bank on people doing something and they do another thing entirely... You're sure you heard someone say something and find out you misunderstood their intentions entirely. And it's hard not to feel disappointed, betrayed, self-pitiful:)! I have to say at this moment I'm feeling a little blue about some things relating to this. BUT I want to be strong and I want to move through this pattern of grey. Knowing everything will be alright and turn out somehow has to be enough. No answers are presenting themselves...So I'll just keep trying and hanging on ever so precariously to the "when" everything will work out and be alright.

"If you're listening this is how much it hurts..."

Colorado...

2007-10-10T16:05:00.000-06:00
I LOVE this and I qualify for just about every one of these:)!

You're from Colorado if...

You'll eat ice cream in the winter.

When the weather report says it's going to be 65 degrees, you shave your legs and wear a skirt.

It snows 5 inches and you don't expect school to be cancelled.

You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.

You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And then you make
fun of them.

'Humid' is over 25%.

Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and Away from the
mountains.

You say 'the interstate' and everybody knows which one.

You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard.

You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat.

You know what the Continental Divide is.

You don't think Coors beer is that big a deal.

You went to Casa Bonita as a kid.

You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such
activities.

You always know the elevation of where you are.

You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and you wonder if it's going to
snow tomorrow.

You don't care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile
High.

Every movie theater has military and student discounts.

Everybody wears jeans to church.

You actually know that South Park is a real place not just a show on TV.

You know what a 'trust fund hippy' is, and you know its natural habitat is
Boulder.

You know you're talking to a fellow Coloradoan when they call it Elitches,not Six Flags.

A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you.

Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is beating the crap out
of the Raiders.

You've been to the original Chipotle near the DU campus on Evans.

When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you
just laugh.

You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels 'sticky' and you
notice the sky is no longer blue.

...Yep pretty much:)!

I Am Becoming, Part 1

2007-10-08T14:30:00.000-06:00

This post has been a long time in coming. Trying to find words for what is going on inside of me sometimes can be difficult at best... I feel like a lot is changing. It probably always is but the changes happening now are related to my character, morals, values - my core so I notice them more.

A little raw honesty here tells you that I have never felt like a natural mommy. It's a position I was operating in but maybe not coping with well - like I was doing a job but always looking ahead for another opportunity. I wanted so much to feel what other mommy's felt - a love and gratitude for what I do day in and day out. And I wanted to really appreciate the privilege of being able to be home with my kids and not just say I did! I felt like I was looking through a window at what I should be but somehow not able to get into that place...Until recently.

I think when I took Megan in for her first day of Pre-K this August it suddenly dawned on me that this was her last year at home full time with me before she started a new chapter in her life... This realization was almost devastating to me. I still felt like I hadn't connected to the whole mommy thing the way I should and I felt guilty for all the lost time.

Shortly after that I found an AMAZING nanny/babysitter for Ben. She was supposed to give me one day of freedom. I would leave Ben with her on the one full day that Megan was in school and go to work. This was what I wanted and whined and pleaded for for years...But...

It only took one day for me to realize that working away from my kids was not what I wanted to do anymore. The shoe didn't fit like I thought it would. I thought about them both and missed them throughout that day. Now on the day I'm supposed to leave Ben with his nanny I find myself coming up with all kinds of excuses and reasons why I have to cancel. The heart of the matter is just that I want to be with him. I want to be here.

Maybe I'm a slow learner. Maybe I looked through the glass long enough to see it... Or maybe I'm just in the process of becoming. Either way, I am embracing the fact that I am a mommy and even on the really bad days, I wouldn't miss another minute of it for the world!

To be continued...

Eight Years Ago...

2007-09-25T09:46:00.001-06:00
On this day eight years ago I made the best decision of my lifetime! When you say "I do" you can't imagine that down the road you could love that person any more than you already do at that moment. I can say today my love for Eric is incomprehensible to me. The words, "I love you" seem extremely inadequate at best...! And I definitely love him more than I did 8 years ago!

I created a movie attempting to depict what Eric means to me...Hopefully it gives you a glimpse into our love story.

Happy Anniversary Eric! I don't think I would do very well without you any more:). Hopefully this shows you into my heart:).

XO

Ready Or Not

2007-09-17T13:35:00.000-06:00
The big week of the race I've been training for (and blogging about) has arrived. I have one last shorter run to accomplish this afternoon and then I'm putting my training on the shelf and resting...Before exposing my body to uncertain pain :). Our team start time is 5:40 a.m. on Friday. So think of us when you wake up all cozy in your bed. We will be somewhere out in the mountains running (willingly) in the crisp fall air.

I'm not sure that I feel 100% prepared but I've put my best foot forward in my training (ha) and I hope it will be enough. Ready or not, it's time to knock it out!

XO

A picture of last year's race day. Just to give you an idea :).

Steppin' In It

2007-09-11T14:55:00.000-06:00
Have you ever stepped unintentionally on a piece of nasty sticky chewing gum spit out on hot pavement...Or worse yet, an unclaimed pile of doggy lawn chocolate?!! You weren't watching where you were stepping and now you and your shoes are paying a steep price for it...

Yes, well I did that this weekend, only not technically with my feet and shoes. I did it in a relationship and now I am paying the price. I've learned a lot about myself through this and about consequences. But I can't shake the way it makes me feel... Just like the sticky tack of your shoes or the smell of them after you step in something, what I did lingers in the back of my mind constantly and it makes me more than sad...More like grieved. Like I've lost something I can't replace and that something WAS/IS valuable to me. I sort of feel like I deserve this and I'm trying to work through it and feel it completely because I never want to do this again.

:(...

Confusion Compounded

2007-09-07T14:13:00.001-06:00
I'm confused about something and the more I think about it the more I am confused as to why I am even confused - if that makes any sense... Wish someone could help me sort out my chaotic thoughts and feelings... Just thought I'd let you know. There isn't much more I can articulate eloquently:). Are you confused too now???!!

Have a good weekend!

Burnt or Burning...A Follow Up

2007-08-31T12:57:00.000-06:00
Begin cheesey theme song! Oh yesssss!

So I left you on a sour running note...And after Eric, who doubles as my coach,:) read my blog he pointed to his head and smiled that charming smile. I have to admit I was a little Grrrr at that at first because that code means: "It's all in your head.".

Fast forward. I woke up Wednesday and couldn't drag myself out of bed in time to take an early a.m. run by myself and since I need the training that left me with the option of running later in the morning with my 60 lb. love trophy in tow. Still feeling a little bitter about Monday's run I chose that option knowing full well that this run would either make me mad or I would fight through it!

I decided to fight and it turned out to be one of my best runs of the season! When I finished I felt strong - not hot, sweaty and pissy:)! And then I connected the dots. It was all in my head - it is all in my head. So, to be a strong runner - maybe even person; I have to not only show up physically but I have to get my head and my attitude in the game.

I ran again today with that stroller full of love and I'm thinking these runs are the best thing I did for myself this week. If asked that on Monday - not so much.

Lesson of the week: Running is as much a mental sport as it is a physical one. Perhaps the sport of life is comparatively the same. Show up physically and mentally and fight!

How to Know When You are Burnt

2007-08-27T19:41:00.000-06:00
Someone asked me not too far back if I enjoyed the sport of running. Honestly my answer is no, but do I run? Yes. Why? Because I enjoy the challenge. I'm not usually one to shrink from a challenge - one that is "Marion-sized" that is... And so every time I run it presents a challenge and I enjoy that. I enjoy finishing a run and knowing I did it.

Well recently running has become even more "challenging":). I don't want to conquer the challenge of it any more so I've lost my motivation:). Not even my cute little running skirt (sooo CUTE btw) can inspire me. The problem is that I signed myself up for this relay again. The one that I have to run almost 16 miles in three different legs over the course of 24 hours. Yeah, that one. I was so ready to do it again a year ago just after tackling and completing it successfully... A year ago.

So going for a run usually starts this way for me. I get up (try to go early to beat the heat). I lay back down. I get up cause I gave my word to this team and I am not going to let them down by half a**ing it... I manage to get the appropriate running attire on. Now I'm committed. I make a couple potty stops cause lord knows a tortuous run can only be made worse by the immediacy of needing to relieve yourself in the middle of one's run. I stretch and I'm out the door. UGH. Walking now, trying to inhale and exhale - you know the basics. Trying to psyche myself up for the run. O.k. at the corner now I'm jogging. Oh man, who thought this was a good idea. It doesn't feel like a good idea!

Yep, so that is how it goes usually. Except today I thought it would be a good idea to push a stroller full of 2 kids (about 60 extra lbs.) for conditioning sake in about 80 degree heat. YES that was smart. And so while I was running and thinking of this relay that I committed to, and all the while listening to the incessant firing of questions from my four year old, like "where does the sky end mommy?"... Try answering that while you are baking in the sun, in cardio overload.... It hits me, I need a break - from running. I think I will try something more tranquil - like ballet. In three weeks that is. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it (the relay and training for it) goes.

XO

I'm Not Who I Was... Are You?

2007-08-10T15:36:00.000-06:00

I have a song posted right now on my myspace profile entitled, I'm not who I was. Someone asked me the other day, who I am now and who I am not anymore... I wanted to answer that question right away, but I thought better of it and allowed myself time to ponder it. The conclusion I've come to is that life is constantly changing me. I'm growing, learning, maturing, experiencing, etc. Life is a never ending process. My understanding of life has changed by my experiences.

The constants I have found are my moral values or code. This is the line I go back to - its my compass and stabilizer as I walk through life. The only other constant for me is God. And He alone is responsible for guiding my moral values and codes. Everything else that I can think of changes... Relationships grow and change, bloom and die. People come and go, are young and grow old and pass on. My environment and surroundings can change almost daily due to weather, seasons, choices people. I could go on but I think you get the overall point.

I'm not who I was because I can't be. The process of life is changing me consistently. I hope that the changes that occur are mostly for the better...

What I Should be Doing and What I am Doing... Well:)...

2007-07-31T15:39:00.000-06:00
So right now I'm supposed to be cleaning my house but somehow blogging beat out scrubbing toilets? Hmmm...:)

This weekend we went back to my home town for a few days. It was a catch up weekend. I pretty much tried to see as many friends as possible so our days were busy and our time pretty full...And then there was my 10 year class reunion, (for me it was actually more like 14 years since I left that class before we entered high school) but they still invited me to come any way - thanks guys:)! So what I found in all this chasing and catching up was that my really good friends, we haven't missed a beat. It was so refreshing and I LOVED it! We haven't seen each other maybe for a year or two or fourteen but it still felt like yesterday when we talked. And really that in itself speaks for the relationships. Time tested and distance worn but still there is something that remains.

I also found that even in the midst of catching up you can make new friends which was perhaps the nicest surprise of my reunion. I met a girl there who married a guy in my class and well, the rest of the evening was history - right Megann:)?!! Who knew I would find such truth this weekend in the old adage, "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold..."

The weekend was an experience I am truly having a hard time putting into words for you to understand. It was good (as lame as the word seems in comparison to the experience), and it was fun...AND I hope you all have some golden and silver relationships in your life:)! Sorry if that is cheesey but right now it's the only way I know how to say it:).

XO

Without Risk it is Impossible to Succeed and Without Vision it is Impossible to Risk

2007-07-16T14:46:00.000-06:00
Hey all. For those of you who read my blog and may not know this, Eric is in the process of trying to purchase the engineering office that he works at. So far the negotiations have gone well but there remains one LARGE problem... The lack of work at the office and the promise of on going projects after the purchase.

It seems there is a level of shuffling and second guessing going on at the moment with regards to the low level of work. I don't want to play down the reality that exists. The company is in a bad way. But I do want to play up the fact that all is not lost yet. In fact, far from it. Eric and I have not stopped fighting for this company and we will not until we win or there is nothing left to fight for. We've both been doing everything we can to look for work and I know others at the office have been just as diligent.

So now it's time to get down to the meat and potatoes of this blog, (and hopefully this doesn't sound too cheesey)... I believe in the future of Vision Engineering, LLC. In fact the name is very befitting of our situation right now. It takes vision to see into the future and see what can happen and what we can become. It takes choosing to risk a little to hopefully find success. I'm not guaranteeing we will because frankly I can't. But what I am saying is that if we focus on what we can control, like our attitudes, our commitment and our vision we have a better chance of succeeding than if we all bailed and jumped ship now. How great would it be to prove the critics wrong and raise our heads proudly again?

O.k. that's it for my Monday afternoon soap box. Dig deep and see where you stand and how far your Vision goes.:-).

Lotsa Luv!

Communicated? Understood? Neither or both?

2007-06-29T14:41:00.001-06:00
Do you ever just wish that someone could look inside your head and understand your heart? Then you wouldn't have to find all the right words to communicate it...And possibly be misunderstood, misinterpreted, etc.

I wished that today but part of the journey is the communication and the growth that occurs from it. So I guess that just leaves me to keep on trying:).

XO

A Second Chance to Make a New Impression

2007-06-19T14:37:00.000-06:00

You only get one chance to make a first impression or so they say...But I've been thinking a lot about this lately and I've found it to hold a degree of falsehood. I think almost always we are given a second chance to make a new impression. Let me explain my theory.

We just got back from a much needed vacation in Mexico without our kids. When booking we picked a Five Golden Apple Square deal with Apple Vacations. What that meant is that we were guaranteed a level of amenities, service and satisfaction but the Apple travel agents booked our hotel at the last minute at one of the resorts that had vacancy. We looked through the book and decided that most of the Five Golden Apple resorts looked perfect - there were just two we weren't super interested in due to beach accessibility and location. Surprise of all surprises we were booked at one of those two.

Upon arriving we discovered the room we were booked in had two double beds and a view of the jungle. We were hoping for at least a queen bed and a distant view of the ocean. So first impressions - not so good but we were already there and decided to make the most of it. We gave them a second chance to change our first impression and it I'm glad we did. We ended up having a GREAT vacation. We discovered the service and food at that resort were top quality and that we really didn't spend any time in our room except when we were so exhausted that sleep was inevitable whether we were on a King bed or a double.

Life is what you make of it so many times. And I think if we only allow people, places, etc. one chance to make a first impression then we will miss out on all the other things that don't come to the surface on introductions. I wouldn't trade our vacation for a 5 star resort for the world because I learned something and that is more than just relaxing and getting away. That is enjoying life!

MUAH!!

Mother's Day...In the Park

2007-05-16T14:16:00.000-06:00
I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband and family! We woke up early on Mother's Day so the kids and Eric could take me out to a nice breakfast and my favorite Starbucks coffee. I wasn't super excited for the early rising but what I would have missed if I had snoozed for another 45 minutes...

Breakfast was WONDERFUL and so was the Starbucks coffee that followed. But we still had time to kill in between breakfast and church (about 45 minutes), so we decided to take the kids to a park. We found a beautiful park just up the street from our church. It was one of those moments that you can't plan for but when you arrive, there is magic. We walked around the park and the kids chased ducks and geese. Megan picked dandelions and climbed hills. Ben found sticks and rocks and leaves and shook trees. And we were just together in the sun - and it was beautiful to my soul.

I realized at that park that if I never woke up to see another day I could not ask for more out of this life. Sure there are still things I want to do and achieve, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty I have all that I want and need and much more. That was truly the BEST Mother's Day gift...A self-realization that life is as beautiful and as fragile as a flower. It buds, it grows, it blooms and then it shines just perfectly before fading away... Think about that...

XO

Deep Thoughts about Myspace

2007-05-01T15:42:00.000-06:00
I know all of you must sit around and wonder about me so here's a peek in my brain for those of you who are curious about my thoughts with regards to Myspace.

1. I'm wasting a lot of time on myspace - how do you break the addiction?

2. What is the definition of a myspace "friend"? Cause, John Mayer is one of mine:)!

3. I'm finding people (and people are finding me) who I'm not sure I would have seen or talked to without myspace and,

4. I've discovered that friendships really CAN stand the test of time...and complete absense:).

5. Isn't it hard not to take it personally if you are in a "friends" top list and they demote your position or promote it...:)? Or does anyone besides me pay attention to that?

6. What determines people's order for top "friends"?

7. Sometimes my only social activity for the day outside of my children and hubby is on myspace.

8. Who else looks at layouts ALL the time like me? I need some new sites that are good:).

9. Do you ever wonder if anyone is really stopping in and listening to your favorite song posted to your profile?

10. And don't you hate it when you go to post a song and realize that someone in your top friends list already posted it:(!

11. I've heard the myspace nation is at 2 million +/- now... Isn't that more populated than most geographic nations today?!

(Are you still reading this? Good for you:)...)

12. I need some new pictures for my slideshow. Does anyone have pictures of me they could email?

13. Those people who set their profile settings to "Private", it makes you wonder about them huh?

14. I might be more addicted to myspace than to Starbucks:)!

Truthfully, I'm just bored but I also needed to update my blog and thought I would/should do that instead of logging into myspace. It's been awhile since my last post here. Aren't you glad you stopped by? Don't you wish that you were a part of the myspace nation now? Go sign up if you haven't already and don't forget to add me as your "friend":)!

Good Day

2007-04-20T13:44:00.000-06:00
Fingers poised, hovering over the keyboard...Waiting... The thoughts aren't coming together in my head like I want them to...I'm not even sure what I want to write about but I know I need to write. I need the therapy. Yes, I'm self-medicating:)!

There's the sound of a Little Touch Leapad in the background and Megan's labored breathing. She has just been diagnosed with childhood asthma. I'm not sure I believe the diagnosis...Or is it that I don't want to believe it? I'm not sure I want to consciously feed her steroids every day for the next two months and possibly the next year. I was assured the side effects to her are minimal, if any but I'm not sure...

There's also the sound of Benjamin singing in "Benjanese". We're starting to understand more of his efforts at communication now but he still gets frustrated with us. His nose is running incessantly as he mumbles something, sips from his cup and sings in between.

It's not the best day for me circumstantially but it is a good day. I get to be here with these two precious lives. I get to hear their singing, wipe their noses, tell them no, no NO:). I get to hug them. It's beautiful! I'm happy.

For now, no one else can touch them, hurt them, disillusion them, barge into their classroom with a gun... They are safe with me. I wish it could stay this way forever. I wish I could keep them safe from the outside evils. I know I can't...

It's a good day today. I'm going to soak up every minute of it:)!

Life as it Relates to a Margarita

2007-04-05T15:33:00.000-06:00
I've been trying to think of an analogy for a margarita lately...Mainly because I love them. The weather is warming up and it is making them my favorite drink right now - aside from water that is:). In everything there must be balance *grin*.

Any way, the way I see it, a Margarita can relate to life in general. Nowadays there are many different flavors and varieties of Marg. You have your strawberry, mango, recently I discovered blackberry, etc. They can be frozen and blended or on the rocks with salt rims. It seems most restaurants have their own spin on Marg too. You don't have to look to far to find Marg in an original variety:)!

The quality and taste of Marg is largely determined by the quality of tequila that is used. Trust me, a connoisseur of sorts, there is a difference:). If you use a low end tequila you better have a good mix of Marg's juices and flavors. If you have a high end tequila the mix doesn't matter as much because you definitely don't want to mask the flavor of the tequila:)...

So how did I make this all relate to life? Quite simply really:). We all get to choose what flavor our life is by our attitudes. Sometimes it can be more sour than sweet, sometimes it can be more red than green:). Our attitude is like the Margarita mix. It will mix with whatever tequila you have on hand. Sometimes you need more attitude adjustment to compensate accordingly.

The tequila,in my analogy,is comparative to our current situation in life. We can have poor circumstances or we can be GREAT. Even if our life circumstances are prosperous and amazing we still have to choose our mix (attitude) carefully.

Wherever it is that you find yourself in life right now - just remember that you can control the flavor of it! I think I feel like I'm a strawberry margarita today - on the rocks with a salt rim:)... I'll let you figure out what mood that puts me in:)!

Thanks for checking in:).

XO

Focus

2007-03-19T16:15:00.000-06:00
I think lately I've been very guilty of only looking at my world through my own perception. The trouble with this is that my perceptions aren't always the reality. After much soul searching I can see that I've convinced myself of things that I have no solid or concrete facts to back up - no evidence, only feelings, perceptions. It's easy to believe my feelings or my gut but it isn't always right...

Side Bar here: Thank God for a voice of reason, Eric!! He is also one of the most forgiving and non-judgemental people I know. He sees and believes only the facts most of the time. I truly admire and respect that about him - and need that in him.

So any way:), I'm trying to turn off my head and my jaded perceptions and view the world with a look of innocence again - like a child. I'm learning to believe that no one is really out to hurt me, or is talking behind my back, or is misperceiving me as I have done to them:). I want to turn off the protection mechanisms I've so carefully put in place over the years and love and accept others without judgement or fear of rejection. It's like getting back on your bike after a major wipe out and learning to ride all over again, knowing that you could get hurt but believing that the the ride will be worth the risk.

I believe this journey will make my life richer if I can complete it. I may have a few more "wrecks" along the way but I will also get to experience all the good that comes with the ride!

I'm taking off the glasses that have protected me and blurred my view. I hope I can be more authentic and see the world more authentically through eyes that are coming back into focus.

A Birthday Dedication to Alana

2007-03-07T09:31:00.000-07:00
Sometimes a song makes you think of someone, but sometimes it does more than that...Sometimes it seems a song writer can capture exactly what is in your heart and thoughts for someone else. This song is one of them for me.

This is truly my wish for you Alana - for this year and all of your life! Happy 25th!

My Wish
By Rascal Flatts
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and always give more than you take.

But More than anything, Yeah, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

You Give Me Something

2007-02-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

The title to this blog is also the title of one of my most current favorite tunes by James Morrison, but it also inspired this blog entry. Lately I've been given opportunities by others to advise them and offer my opinion, talents, etc. Often I take these opportunities lightly and don't really think much of them...Somehow today it struck me differently. It is an absolute privilege to have someone let you in and value your relationship enough to want to hear what you have to say. That they believe I might have something to offer is not something to take lightly. More deeply than that, in time, I will need someones help, advise, shoulder to lean on, etc. and they in return will give me something - have given me something in the past!

We really live interdependently on each other - it's impossible not too...Our lives would miss much!! God made us all differently for a reason...We can draw on each others strengths, talents, experiences when needed. Our lives are enriched by others. An example for me is music and the people who make it and move me with their sound, lyrics, talent. I could not sing to save my life but my life is fuller because others sing. I thank God for my friends. I need their gifts, conversations, perspective, support, love, etc to survive!

Where would we be without each other?! Seriously:)!

Humility

2007-02-15T14:17:00.000-07:00

Dictionary.com defines humility as follows:

hu·mil·i·ty –noun
the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

My definition? Being loved, even when I don't deserve it.

Thanks Eric for loving me with more than words! You are a hero to me...

he·ro / –noun
1. a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
2. a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal

Jealousy

2007-02-09T13:23:00.000-07:00
Dictionary.com defines jealousy as:
1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

Can I whine? I looked up this word because I think that is the condition of my ailment today. I'm jealous. At 11:00ish this morning Eric calls me to see what we (the kids and I) are doing for lunch. Usually Eric comes home and I appreciate his sacrifice to do that everyday. I'm thinking when he asks the question "I'm doing the same thing I do everyday. I'll feed the kids and then I'll feed myself." But instead I answer, "The usual." Do you like this trip inside my head so far:)?

Well the reason he is asking is because he wants to go out with his friends and I know it. He tells me of plans to go to Old Chicago's and I just say "Go ahead and go." My thoughts not so calm and considerate:)...We get off the phone and I am jealous:)!

Warning: here comes the whining - stop now if you aren't in the mood:).
Everyday he leaves the house to go to work where he enjoys the freedom of breaks when he needs them. Going to the bathroom when nature calls uninterrupted. He can go to lunch without loading up two car seats and feeding two little mouths before he eats. He can have a beer at the office with the guys when the day is winding down. He can play their favorite computer game uninterrupted before he comes home. And then once he gets here his dinner is usually ready and the kids are winding down to go to bed.

My typical day: I wake up, I feed the kids. I clean up the kitchen. I get them dressed. If I'm lucky I get to work out. I get myself cleaned up - again if I'm lucky no major fights or injuries will erupt during this period. I run the mandatory errands or clean up the toys and clutter. Around noon I feed the kids. I clean up the kitchen and then its naptime. Yay my only non-guarenteed break:). Most days I am fortunate to have an hour or two to myself but some days Megan gives me trouble. I get the kids up, feed them snack and start with dinner prep. Feed the kids again, bath them and put them to bed.

Some days I think Eric's life looks like a vacation. I enjoy my kids and love the blessing they are, but today I admit it, I am jealous and longing for a lunch break and computer games and maybe even a beer! Must be nice:).

My Favorite Things...Or at Least the Beginning of Them...

2007-02-01T15:12:00.000-07:00
I've been inspired by a fellow blogger and friend to create a list of my favorite things! It's a real feel gooder, especially after the week I've just had. I've been sick three times back to back to back! My kids have been sick off and on too, so needless to say it has been trying on my body, soul and spirit. This was refreshing!

My Favorite Things:
(Warning: this list can and probably will be added to and modified.)
Eric
My kids
Cuddling with Eric
Cuddling with Eric right before I fall asleep
The beach
Shopping and making my money go a long way (I like to average my purchases, number of items purchased divied by total price equals average amount per item. The lower the latter amount is the better I feel!)
Raindrops on my rooftop at bedtime
Naps
Snuggling with my kids
Going out to eat
Getting dressed up and going out
The way I feel when I finish a race or workout
Latte's - Starbuck or otherwise
Spending time with people I love
Reading good books
Writing when it really flows and what I want to say comes out the right way
Surprises - good ones that is:)
Christmas
The first snow
The smell of spring
The color of fall
Music
Sweaters, swimsuits and strappy sandals!
Massages
A clean house
Someone else cooking for me:)
Being healthy
Music that makes me want to dance
Dancing even if I look silly
Margaritas!!
Getting away with Eric alone for a date or a few days
Eric planning the date or the get-away:)
Puppies/Dogs - the bigger variety (such trouble but sooo cute and loyal!) - no we don't have one yet
DENVER BRONCOS
Family vacations
Honesty
Our kids giggling
Spending days on or at the lake
Hiking
Sleeping in past 7:00 a.m.
Time alone to do whatever I want
New clothes
New shoes
Chocolate cake
O.k. dessert in general (that's why I have to work out!)

I think that is a good start and I'm sure I'll think of more. It's nice to think of the things that make me happy and I enjoy. Very theraputic! Maybe you too should make your own list...:)?

When Things Come Full Circle

2007-01-25T14:12:00.000-07:00

Life has been difficult this week. Lots of sickness in our household but we are managing. I didn't want to whine about the things we can't change but thought I would share with you a moment of silver lining in the midst of it all.

If you recall, Megan had a tremendously difficult time adjusting to preschool when it began last fall. It was a very frustrating season for both me and her. I was worried we would be labeled "those parents" and she would continue to consistantly paint us into that picture. However things have gotten better and this week when she had to stay home from preschool because of a stomach flu she cried. Not because she had to go but because she couldn't go!

It's a beautiful thing when life comes full circle!

Another Year or More Experienced...?

2007-01-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

I celebrated my 28th birthday on Tuesday. It was a nice, quiet celebration with family...and a Rio Margarita - YUM! I got to thinking though, that I don't feel a day older than 18, and somehow 10 years have slipped by since then. I'm married, I have 2 kids, and my life has taken turns I never expected it too.

When I was young, my birthday represented another year! I was so excited to be one year older. That excitement kinda wained at 21. Now I'm thinking that as each year passes I'm not getting any older, I'm just more experienced - right?!:) I think when I turn 40 I'll tell people I'm celebrating many years of experience and that I'm still only 20 at heart. I might grow up a couple years by then:)!

P.S. (If you want another view of my life, I've been sucked into myspace. You can view "myspace" at www.myspace.com/mariontuin

Priceless

2007-01-05T15:29:00.000-07:00

1 Beginner's Ballet Class for Megan $108
1 Registration for Ballet Recital $40
1 Pair of Dance Shoes $10
1 Leotard $11
1 Ballet Skirt $8
A Pair of tights $5

45 minutes once a week for 3 months of dance rehersal.

Watching the new ballerina take the stage for the first time...

PRICELESS!

Bittersweet New Years Day

2007-01-01T10:50:00.000-07:00
Let me begin by wishing you all a Happy New Year.

Eric and I rang in the new year uneventfully last night:). We went to a party until the kids were absolutely exhausted and then came home and spent the last two hours of 2006 together quietly on the couch. I had to wake Eric up for my New Year's kiss at midnight but it was still very sweet.

This morning I was thinking about how nice a new year is. That it is fresh with no mistakes, regrets, etc. It is full of opportunity and promise. A new year can be whatever we make of it. I sat down at the computer to work on some birthday wish list requests as I was thinking of this and was stunned to discover the news that Darrent Williams, a Denver Bronco Cornerback was killed this morning in a drive by shooting (above title has link to team press release). I'm a HUGE fan of the Broncos and was actually googling team jersey's to ask for for my birthday when I stumbled upon the news.

Though I didn't know the guy I feel like I did. I'm sure many fans in Denver feel the same. It is wierd to know that not even 12 hours ago I was watching him play. Realizing the impact one life can have on millions - an athlete who showed up and played well for two seasons - has impacted my life. I'm saddened that his life, his goals, his career were abruptly cancelled. I'm saddened that there is a presence of evil in this world that causes others pain and suffering and I'm motivated to make my life count in this new year. I want to show up in the lives of the people closest to me and live well. If I can benefit and work hard for the people around me just as Darrent Williams did for the Denver Bronco's and for our city and state (cause most of us LOVE Bronco football!!) I will have kept my new year's resolution - maybe a lifetime resolution.

My condolances to the entire Denver Bronco organization at this time and to Darrent Williams family. I know words cannot heal, but my prayers for God's healing and comfort are sent with these words.

Snow Day

2006-12-20T10:41:00.000-07:00
It's as if God decided all of us here in Colorado needed to slow down because we are getting socked in with a major winter storm! I love it! Stores are closing early due to snow, events are being rescheduled and people stayed home from work. The ones that did venture out in the storm are mostly concerned with getting home where they will be safe and warm to weather the storm (accept my husband of course - he is still working and plans to stay for awhile)...:)

If there is one gift on my list every year that only God could give me, this is it! A white Christmas and a cozy holiday! Thank you God for the early gift and the reminder that it really is better to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life.

My plans for the day? Hot cocoa, maybe building a snowman with the kids, oh and a little shoveling to help Eric out so when he does come home he can slow down with us:)! I have of course attached a few pictures of the weather which really don't do this storm justice. A view of the front of our house (top), a view from the back porch and my self-portrait and though it isn't awesome it makes me giggle:)! Maybe it will do the same for you!

Until next time....

Wasting Time

2006-12-19T15:44:00.000-07:00
Sooo... I just spent the last two hours wasting time that I should have spent doing other higher priority tasks. It felt really good! It is the first time in a long while that I have allowed myself to do that. I thought since I was on a roll, hey what the heck, time to catch up on blogging:)!

I'm overstating the obvious when I say I've been busy - who hasn't right?! Christmas shopping, company Christmas party planning, Christmas cards, etc., etc., etc. I wish I had some exciting revelation or important news to catch you all up on but I don't. And maybe that is the lesson of it all - life gets by us unnoticed if we are too busy to pay attention. I think I slowed down just enough today to take notice...

Merry Christmas to all of you - just in case I don't post again before Christmas! I will be talking to you again in the new year if not before:). Hopefully before - but don't hold your breath:)! That could be really dangerous:)!!

Where Have I Been?

2006-12-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

I know it has been awhile since I last posted. I'm not sure why my post on Benjamin's first birthday disappeared for awhile, but it is back up now, as am I:)!

I have been soo busy of late and I can't believe that half of the holiday season is already passed. I keep reminding myself to just relax and take in the moments but all too often I get wound up or caught up in the busyness of life and details.

I don't really have much to say except to remind you and me that life is precious and time once spent can never be earned back. Spend your time wisely. I think I would rather be rich with memories of time well spent and love given then materially wealthy. What about you? Give yourself the gift of time this Christmas!

Happy Holidays and I promise to post again soon!!

A Year

2006-11-16T16:19:00.000-07:00
Our little son, Benjamin, turns one on Sunday! I'm not sure if I'm more shocked that a year has passed without me realizing it or that my baby boy is not a baby anymore!! I always thought time flew before, but have kids and you completely loose track of it!

I wanted more than anything with this blog to do a picture tribute to him to show how much the first year is a physical miracle of growth. The pictures below show Benjamin at birth, three months, six months and now.

Happy Birthday Benny! We're glad you are here! Life would not be as full without you!:)

The Hardest Lesson of Humanity

2006-11-01T09:47:00.000-07:00
I know it has been awhile since I last posted and thought I would catch you up on my most current events with pictures instead of words. After all doesn't a picture speak a thousand words...? I will probably narrorate 30-40 of those thousand words for you though:)!

On Friday night we went to see The Lion King at the Buell Theatre downtown. It is an amazing sensory show that is worth experiencing at least once.

On Saturday night I had WAY too much fun at a Halloween party and like Cinderella danced until the clock struck twelve:)! Good times!

Sunday, energy level waning thin, I had the opportunity to see one of the seasons most exciting Bronco games live! By this time I was missing our kids and ready to return to my quiet life with them. Seeing others' children at the game made me want to run home and hold my own...

By Tuesday I decided that I am proof positive of the statement, "You always want what you can't have," because I was already thinking that maybe I wanted to go back to work a few days a week.

Maybe my lesson isn't learned but in the midst of my ramblings I was reminded yet again that contentment is perhaps the hardest lesson of humanity...

Sweet Dreams Sweet Dreamer

2006-10-17T15:50:00.000-06:00
Here's a little story I wrote a year or so ago. I'm trying to launch a career in writing AND now I am letting my big secret out to all of you, my loyal blog readers. I want some feedback on this one. This is intended to be a bedtime story for youngest readers or better described as youngest listeners:). It has been reviewed by editors, but no one is biting the line. Let me know your thoughts and/or edits. Maybe you can help me get this to print.

PS (If you are not a member of Blogger and wish to post a comment you simply click on the comment button at the bottom of this blog. Type your comment and click Annonymous under "Identity". Then hit "Login and Publish". If you want me to know who you are - sign your name:) - otherwise you will remain truly annonymous...)

SWEET DREAMS SWEET DREAMER

Thanks for the feedback on this story. I removed it because I am so encouraged by your encouragement that I am going to continue to submit it for publication and don't want it online before it has my name attached to it in print:). If you want to read it though and missed it while it was posted just email me and I would be happy to send you a copy.

Things You Can Learn at a Stoplight...

2006-10-13T14:14:00.000-06:00
I was sitting at a stoplight this afternoon and while I was waiting for the light to change I noticed a twitching, wet snout sticking out the window in the vehicle in front of me. It appeared to belong to some kind of retriever type dog. Life was good for him at that moment; the smell of the air, the fall breeze dancing over the top of his fur - he was on top of the world. This made me wonder how nice life would be as a dog, the simple thrill of a car ride making my day!

Curious now, I wanted to see who this dog belonged to and so my eyes drifted to the men in the front seat. From behind they looked kind of scruffy and hefty, the kind of men that would probably intimidate me if we passed on the street. They didn't look particularly well kept and yet this dog was their loyal fan, which led me to this conclusion... Dogs don't care what we look like, smell like, or how we even behave; they simply love us because that is their nature. I can personally say I have never met a judgmental dog - other than one protecting his property or people.

Lesson learned at the stoplight: simplify my approach to life and think and treat others more like a dog would. How long has it been since I've stopped long enough to enjoy the smell of fall in the air or to "wag my tail" when the people I love are near?!

My Head, Inside and Out...

2006-10-05T13:33:00.000-06:00
Yikes! A peek inside my head right now might be frightful. There is a lot going on and nothing coming out:). I'm sitting here trying to think of something remarkable to write about and nothing is coming. There are so many thoughts and emotions running on the super highway of my brain its causing a traffic jam. All the good stuff is in gridlock. I'm sure something good will come to me soon, so hang in there and I will post something new and interesting as soon as I figure out what that might be.

For your own personal entertainment I am posting a collage of my celebrity look alikes. I did this on at a site called myheritage.com which allows you to upload a picture of yourself and it then matches your features to those of celebrities. Have fun and let me know which celebrities you match up to.

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

2006-10-02T16:52:00.000-06:00
I don't really feel this way about married life, but I got this email today and it is still cracking me up. I'm feeling sassy so I thought I would post it in case it brings a smile to you too. Although most of you probably got this from me in a forwarded email... Will post again soon:)!

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The end.

Oh How the Years Go By...

2006-09-28T13:53:00.000-06:00

I can't believe it has already been more than a week since the last time I posted! It never ceases to amaze me how some seasons of life go by so quickly! An example is summer - I can't believe it's officially over:(. Where did it go? Seriously, in my mind, it is still July - maybe August and in reality the first day of October is only 3 days away!

This weekend Eric and I celebrated our seventh Anniversary together! Speaking of time flying...:)! Neither of us feel a day older than the day we married but some how two kids, five places of residence and seven years later, here we are!

Time seems to be my Blog theme of late... Maybe I am just realizing that it (time) is getting away from me and I can never get it back. It makes me nervous because I don't want to waste the time I have now...I know if I waste money or material possesions, in theory, I can earn more and replace what has been lost or wasted. Not so with Father time.

Today, I am resolved to make the most of the time I have and even if I don't spend it doing anything noteworthy or earth shattering according to the history books, at least I will be able to close my eyes at night with a sense of contentment and satisfaction. Errr - I hope!

Intelletual Riot

2006-09-20T14:13:00.000-06:00
I've been trying to write a blog since yesterday at about this time. I'm struggling because there is so much I want to say and somehow when I try to release it the words and thoughts get jumbled together. I'm sure I don't want people to misunderstand me, but I'm also sure I want to express myself authentically...Not on the surface as I do so often when I am face to face with someone... When asked how I'm doing the reply is usually, "Good!" or "I'm hanging in there." if things aren't so good, but it's all superficial. That is all they want to know and that is all I give them.

So how am I doing today? Not so good - struggling really. I feel somewhat like I am suffocating. Inside of me there is this young, fiesty girl with dreams... Really I have pushed her back into the shadows since becoming a mom. Lately it seems like she has been screaming louder and kicking harder for some time and space and freedom, but the demands of the roles I am placed in won't allow for much if any of that. I feel like so much is expected of me and I don't have time, let alone energy to pursue the things that I really want to.

Do I regret my role as a full-time mom, homemaker and wife? No. They were all my choices and I take responsibility for them. However I feel there has to be a balance between my roles/responsibility and my humanity. I just don't know how to find that... I don't know how to let who I am and what I am exhale without compromising the quality and standard of life I have been giving my family. And they deserve that quality time... I really believe they do...

I guess I am just afraid that by the time my children are older and some freedom returns, my youth will have escaped me. I want to be young while I am young and not look back with regrets. My choices have put me in the position I am in today and I don't regret them but I do wish I had a little more freedom and time for me. Is that selfish?

PS (The John Mayer concert was GREAT! He is perhaps better live than recorded and in my opinion that makes for an amazing artist! I borrowed the title of this blog from him. He claims that is the name of his next recording. Whether it is or not we won't know for a year or two but you heard it first from me:)!)

Continuum

2006-09-16T15:41:00.000-06:00
I just bought the new John Mayer cd this morning and I love it! Yes, admittedly I am a John Mayer fan but I think this is his best album yet. Music is powerful, evokes emotion, gets us dancing, humming, singing, thinking, etc. So I thought exerpts of my favorite lyrics off this new cd might be a good discussion starter. By the way - I get to see him live in concert on Monday (my next post will probably have some mention of it)!

If you don't already have this cd I highly reccomend it! Here are a few of my fav. lines!

"Now, if we had the power to bring our neighbors home from war they would have never missed a Christmas no more ribbons on their door. And when you trust your television what you get is what you got cause when they own the information they can bend it all they want."
Waiting on the World to Change

"Belief is a beautiful armor but makes for the heaviest sword, like punching under water you never can hit who you're trying for... We're never gonna win the world we're never gonna stop the war we're never gonna beat this if belief is what we're fighting for."
Belief

"So scared of getting older I'm only good at being young so I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun. Had a talk with my old man said "Help me understand". He said "turn sixty-eight, you'll renegotiate"..."
Stop this Train

Paradise

2006-09-13T14:54:00.000-06:00
Life is what we make of it. After an incredibly frustrating week I jumped head first into another challenge. I participated in the Colorado Outward Bound relay race which is a 170 mile 24+ hour running relay. There were 10 runners - including myself - and we alternated running the 170 miles. I experienced a lot of external discomfort during the race. We were awake for at least 27 of the 30 hours it took us to complete the race. We ran through freezing rain, snow, mud and once we got in the car (wet usually) we were cramped as you can visualize from the picture above. Normally conditions like these might have ruined my outlook, my mood, even my day. Despite the external adversity we finished the race and enjoyed it. During the toughest parts we were laughing at ourselves, at the weather, at what we had chosen to throw ourselves into! We even named the back of the car paradise!

In retrospect, I've learned that my attitude really does impact my perseption of life. I need to make "Paradise" happen a little more often.