Patterns of Grey

Life often doesn't turn according to our expectations and/or anticipation. Lately that has been one of the clearest messages coming across the screen of my life. You think things are going to go one way and they go another. You bank on people doing something and they do another thing entirely... You're sure you heard someone say something and find out you misunderstood their intentions entirely. And it's hard not to feel disappointed, betrayed, self-pitiful:)! I have to say at this moment I'm feeling a little blue about some things relating to this. BUT I want to be strong and I want to move through this pattern of grey. Knowing everything will be alright and turn out somehow has to be enough. No answers are presenting themselves...So I'll just keep trying and hanging on ever so precariously to the "when" everything will work out and be alright.

"If you're listening this is how much it hurts..."

Colorado...

I LOVE this and I qualify for just about every one of these:)!

You're from Colorado if...

You'll eat ice cream in the winter.

When the weather report says it's going to be 65 degrees, you shave your legs and wear a skirt.

It snows 5 inches and you don't expect school to be cancelled.

You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.

You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And then you make
fun of them.

'Humid' is over 25%.

Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and Away from the
mountains.

You say 'the interstate' and everybody knows which one.

You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard.

You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat.

You know what the Continental Divide is.

You don't think Coors beer is that big a deal.

You went to Casa Bonita as a kid.

You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such
activities.

You always know the elevation of where you are.

You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and you wonder if it's going to
snow tomorrow.

You don't care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile
High.

Every movie theater has military and student discounts.

Everybody wears jeans to church.

You actually know that South Park is a real place not just a show on TV.

You know what a 'trust fund hippy' is, and you know its natural habitat is
Boulder.

You know you're talking to a fellow Coloradoan when they call it Elitches,not Six Flags.

A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you.

Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is beating the crap out
of the Raiders.

You've been to the original Chipotle near the DU campus on Evans.

When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you
just laugh.

You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels 'sticky' and you
notice the sky is no longer blue.

...Yep pretty much:)!

I Am Becoming, Part 1

This post has been a long time in coming. Trying to find words for what is going on inside of me sometimes can be difficult at best... I feel like a lot is changing. It probably always is but the changes happening now are related to my character, morals, values - my core so I notice them more.

A little raw honesty here tells you that I have never felt like a natural mommy. It's a position I was operating in but maybe not coping with well - like I was doing a job but always looking ahead for another opportunity. I wanted so much to feel what other mommy's felt - a love and gratitude for what I do day in and day out. And I wanted to really appreciate the privilege of being able to be home with my kids and not just say I did! I felt like I was looking through a window at what I should be but somehow not able to get into that place...Until recently.

I think when I took Megan in for her first day of Pre-K this August it suddenly dawned on me that this was her last year at home full time with me before she started a new chapter in her life... This realization was almost devastating to me. I still felt like I hadn't connected to the whole mommy thing the way I should and I felt guilty for all the lost time.

Shortly after that I found an AMAZING nanny/babysitter for Ben. She was supposed to give me one day of freedom. I would leave Ben with her on the one full day that Megan was in school and go to work. This was what I wanted and whined and pleaded for for years...But...

It only took one day for me to realize that working away from my kids was not what I wanted to do anymore. The shoe didn't fit like I thought it would. I thought about them both and missed them throughout that day. Now on the day I'm supposed to leave Ben with his nanny I find myself coming up with all kinds of excuses and reasons why I have to cancel. The heart of the matter is just that I want to be with him. I want to be here.

Maybe I'm a slow learner. Maybe I looked through the glass long enough to see it... Or maybe I'm just in the process of becoming. Either way, I am embracing the fact that I am a mommy and even on the really bad days, I wouldn't miss another minute of it for the world!

To be continued...

Eight Years Ago...

On this day eight years ago I made the best decision of my lifetime! When you say "I do" you can't imagine that down the road you could love that person any more than you already do at that moment. I can say today my love for Eric is incomprehensible to me. The words, "I love you" seem extremely inadequate at best...! And I definitely love him more than I did 8 years ago!

I created a movie attempting to depict what Eric means to me...Hopefully it gives you a glimpse into our love story.

Happy Anniversary Eric! I don't think I would do very well without you any more:). Hopefully this shows you into my heart:).

XO

Ready Or Not

The big week of the race I've been training for (and blogging about) has arrived. I have one last shorter run to accomplish this afternoon and then I'm putting my training on the shelf and resting...Before exposing my body to uncertain pain :). Our team start time is 5:40 a.m. on Friday. So think of us when you wake up all cozy in your bed. We will be somewhere out in the mountains running (willingly) in the crisp fall air.

I'm not sure that I feel 100% prepared but I've put my best foot forward in my training (ha) and I hope it will be enough. Ready or not, it's time to knock it out!

XO

A picture of last year's race day. Just to give you an idea :).

Steppin' In It

Have you ever stepped unintentionally on a piece of nasty sticky chewing gum spit out on hot pavement...Or worse yet, an unclaimed pile of doggy lawn chocolate?!! You weren't watching where you were stepping and now you and your shoes are paying a steep price for it...

Yes, well I did that this weekend, only not technically with my feet and shoes. I did it in a relationship and now I am paying the price. I've learned a lot about myself through this and about consequences. But I can't shake the way it makes me feel... Just like the sticky tack of your shoes or the smell of them after you step in something, what I did lingers in the back of my mind constantly and it makes me more than sad...More like grieved. Like I've lost something I can't replace and that something WAS/IS valuable to me. I sort of feel like I deserve this and I'm trying to work through it and feel it completely because I never want to do this again.

:(...

Confusion Compounded

I'm confused about something and the more I think about it the more I am confused as to why I am even confused - if that makes any sense... Wish someone could help me sort out my chaotic thoughts and feelings... Just thought I'd let you know. There isn't much more I can articulate eloquently:). Are you confused too now???!!

Have a good weekend!

Burnt or Burning...A Follow Up

Begin cheesey theme song! Oh yesssss!

So I left you on a sour running note...And after Eric, who doubles as my coach,:) read my blog he pointed to his head and smiled that charming smile. I have to admit I was a little Grrrr at that at first because that code means: "It's all in your head.".

Fast forward. I woke up Wednesday and couldn't drag myself out of bed in time to take an early a.m. run by myself and since I need the training that left me with the option of running later in the morning with my 60 lb. love trophy in tow. Still feeling a little bitter about Monday's run I chose that option knowing full well that this run would either make me mad or I would fight through it!

I decided to fight and it turned out to be one of my best runs of the season! When I finished I felt strong - not hot, sweaty and pissy:)! And then I connected the dots. It was all in my head - it is all in my head. So, to be a strong runner - maybe even person; I have to not only show up physically but I have to get my head and my attitude in the game.

I ran again today with that stroller full of love and I'm thinking these runs are the best thing I did for myself this week. If asked that on Monday - not so much.

Lesson of the week: Running is as much a mental sport as it is a physical one. Perhaps the sport of life is comparatively the same. Show up physically and mentally and fight!

How to Know When You are Burnt

Someone asked me not too far back if I enjoyed the sport of running. Honestly my answer is no, but do I run? Yes. Why? Because I enjoy the challenge. I'm not usually one to shrink from a challenge - one that is "Marion-sized" that is... And so every time I run it presents a challenge and I enjoy that. I enjoy finishing a run and knowing I did it.

Well recently running has become even more "challenging":). I don't want to conquer the challenge of it any more so I've lost my motivation:). Not even my cute little running skirt (sooo CUTE btw) can inspire me. The problem is that I signed myself up for this relay again. The one that I have to run almost 16 miles in three different legs over the course of 24 hours. Yeah, that one. I was so ready to do it again a year ago just after tackling and completing it successfully... A year ago.

So going for a run usually starts this way for me. I get up (try to go early to beat the heat). I lay back down. I get up cause I gave my word to this team and I am not going to let them down by half a**ing it... I manage to get the appropriate running attire on. Now I'm committed. I make a couple potty stops cause lord knows a tortuous run can only be made worse by the immediacy of needing to relieve yourself in the middle of one's run. I stretch and I'm out the door. UGH. Walking now, trying to inhale and exhale - you know the basics. Trying to psyche myself up for the run. O.k. at the corner now I'm jogging. Oh man, who thought this was a good idea. It doesn't feel like a good idea!

Yep, so that is how it goes usually. Except today I thought it would be a good idea to push a stroller full of 2 kids (about 60 extra lbs.) for conditioning sake in about 80 degree heat. YES that was smart. And so while I was running and thinking of this relay that I committed to, and all the while listening to the incessant firing of questions from my four year old, like "where does the sky end mommy?"... Try answering that while you are baking in the sun, in cardio overload.... It hits me, I need a break - from running. I think I will try something more tranquil - like ballet. In three weeks that is. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it (the relay and training for it) goes.

XO

I'm Not Who I Was... Are You?

I have a song posted right now on my myspace profile entitled, I'm not who I was. Someone asked me the other day, who I am now and who I am not anymore... I wanted to answer that question right away, but I thought better of it and allowed myself time to ponder it. The conclusion I've come to is that life is constantly changing me. I'm growing, learning, maturing, experiencing, etc. Life is a never ending process. My understanding of life has changed by my experiences.

The constants I have found are my moral values or code. This is the line I go back to - its my compass and stabilizer as I walk through life. The only other constant for me is God. And He alone is responsible for guiding my moral values and codes. Everything else that I can think of changes... Relationships grow and change, bloom and die. People come and go, are young and grow old and pass on. My environment and surroundings can change almost daily due to weather, seasons, choices people. I could go on but I think you get the overall point.

I'm not who I was because I can't be. The process of life is changing me consistently. I hope that the changes that occur are mostly for the better...

What I Should be Doing and What I am Doing... Well:)...

So right now I'm supposed to be cleaning my house but somehow blogging beat out scrubbing toilets? Hmmm...:)

This weekend we went back to my home town for a few days. It was a catch up weekend. I pretty much tried to see as many friends as possible so our days were busy and our time pretty full...And then there was my 10 year class reunion, (for me it was actually more like 14 years since I left that class before we entered high school) but they still invited me to come any way - thanks guys:)! So what I found in all this chasing and catching up was that my really good friends, we haven't missed a beat. It was so refreshing and I LOVED it! We haven't seen each other maybe for a year or two or fourteen but it still felt like yesterday when we talked. And really that in itself speaks for the relationships. Time tested and distance worn but still there is something that remains.

I also found that even in the midst of catching up you can make new friends which was perhaps the nicest surprise of my reunion. I met a girl there who married a guy in my class and well, the rest of the evening was history - right Megann:)?!! Who knew I would find such truth this weekend in the old adage, "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold..."

The weekend was an experience I am truly having a hard time putting into words for you to understand. It was good (as lame as the word seems in comparison to the experience), and it was fun...AND I hope you all have some golden and silver relationships in your life:)! Sorry if that is cheesey but right now it's the only way I know how to say it:).

XO

Without Risk it is Impossible to Succeed and Without Vision it is Impossible to Risk

Hey all. For those of you who read my blog and may not know this, Eric is in the process of trying to purchase the engineering office that he works at. So far the negotiations have gone well but there remains one LARGE problem... The lack of work at the office and the promise of on going projects after the purchase.

It seems there is a level of shuffling and second guessing going on at the moment with regards to the low level of work. I don't want to play down the reality that exists. The company is in a bad way. But I do want to play up the fact that all is not lost yet. In fact, far from it. Eric and I have not stopped fighting for this company and we will not until we win or there is nothing left to fight for. We've both been doing everything we can to look for work and I know others at the office have been just as diligent.

So now it's time to get down to the meat and potatoes of this blog, (and hopefully this doesn't sound too cheesey)... I believe in the future of Vision Engineering, LLC. In fact the name is very befitting of our situation right now. It takes vision to see into the future and see what can happen and what we can become. It takes choosing to risk a little to hopefully find success. I'm not guaranteeing we will because frankly I can't. But what I am saying is that if we focus on what we can control, like our attitudes, our commitment and our vision we have a better chance of succeeding than if we all bailed and jumped ship now. How great would it be to prove the critics wrong and raise our heads proudly again?

O.k. that's it for my Monday afternoon soap box. Dig deep and see where you stand and how far your Vision goes.:-).


Lotsa Luv!

Communicated? Understood? Neither or both?

Do you ever just wish that someone could look inside your head and understand your heart? Then you wouldn't have to find all the right words to communicate it...And possibly be misunderstood, misinterpreted, etc.

I wished that today but part of the journey is the communication and the growth that occurs from it. So I guess that just leaves me to keep on trying:).

XO

A Second Chance to Make a New Impression

You only get one chance to make a first impression or so they say...But I've been thinking a lot about this lately and I've found it to hold a degree of falsehood. I think almost always we are given a second chance to make a new impression. Let me explain my theory.

We just got back from a much needed vacation in Mexico without our kids. When booking we picked a Five Golden Apple Square deal with Apple Vacations. What that meant is that we were guaranteed a level of amenities, service and satisfaction but the Apple travel agents booked our hotel at the last minute at one of the resorts that had vacancy. We looked through the book and decided that most of the Five Golden Apple resorts looked perfect - there were just two we weren't super interested in due to beach accessibility and location. Surprise of all surprises we were booked at one of those two.

Upon arriving we discovered the room we were booked in had two double beds and a view of the jungle. We were hoping for at least a queen bed and a distant view of the ocean. So first impressions - not so good but we were already there and decided to make the most of it. We gave them a second chance to change our first impression and it I'm glad we did. We ended up having a GREAT vacation. We discovered the service and food at that resort were top quality and that we really didn't spend any time in our room except when we were so exhausted that sleep was inevitable whether we were on a King bed or a double.

Life is what you make of it so many times. And I think if we only allow people, places, etc. one chance to make a first impression then we will miss out on all the other things that don't come to the surface on introductions. I wouldn't trade our vacation for a 5 star resort for the world because I learned something and that is more than just relaxing and getting away. That is enjoying life!

MUAH!!

Mother's Day...In the Park

I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband and family! We woke up early on Mother's Day so the kids and Eric could take me out to a nice breakfast and my favorite Starbucks coffee. I wasn't super excited for the early rising but what I would have missed if I had snoozed for another 45 minutes...

Breakfast was WONDERFUL and so was the Starbucks coffee that followed. But we still had time to kill in between breakfast and church (about 45 minutes), so we decided to take the kids to a park. We found a beautiful park just up the street from our church. It was one of those moments that you can't plan for but when you arrive, there is magic. We walked around the park and the kids chased ducks and geese. Megan picked dandelions and climbed hills. Ben found sticks and rocks and leaves and shook trees. And we were just together in the sun - and it was beautiful to my soul.

I realized at that park that if I never woke up to see another day I could not ask for more out of this life. Sure there are still things I want to do and achieve, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty I have all that I want and need and much more. That was truly the BEST Mother's Day gift...A self-realization that life is as beautiful and as fragile as a flower. It buds, it grows, it blooms and then it shines just perfectly before fading away... Think about that...

XO

Deep Thoughts about Myspace

I know all of you must sit around and wonder about me so here's a peek in my brain for those of you who are curious about my thoughts with regards to Myspace.

1. I'm wasting a lot of time on myspace - how do you break the addiction?

2. What is the definition of a myspace "friend"? Cause, John Mayer is one of mine:)!

3. I'm finding people (and people are finding me) who I'm not sure I would have seen or talked to without myspace and,

4. I've discovered that friendships really CAN stand the test of time...and complete absense:).

5. Isn't it hard not to take it personally if you are in a "friends" top list and they demote your position or promote it...:)? Or does anyone besides me pay attention to that?

6. What determines people's order for top "friends"?

7. Sometimes my only social activity for the day outside of my children and hubby is on myspace.

8. Who else looks at layouts ALL the time like me? I need some new sites that are good:).

9. Do you ever wonder if anyone is really stopping in and listening to your favorite song posted to your profile?

10. And don't you hate it when you go to post a song and realize that someone in your top friends list already posted it:(!

11. I've heard the myspace nation is at 2 million +/- now... Isn't that more populated than most geographic nations today?!

(Are you still reading this? Good for you:)...)

12. I need some new pictures for my slideshow. Does anyone have pictures of me they could email?

13. Those people who set their profile settings to "Private", it makes you wonder about them huh?

14. I might be more addicted to myspace than to Starbucks:)!

Truthfully, I'm just bored but I also needed to update my blog and thought I would/should do that instead of logging into myspace. It's been awhile since my last post here. Aren't you glad you stopped by? Don't you wish that you were a part of the myspace nation now? Go sign up if you haven't already and don't forget to add me as your "friend":)!

Good Day

Fingers poised, hovering over the keyboard...Waiting... The thoughts aren't coming together in my head like I want them to...I'm not even sure what I want to write about but I know I need to write. I need the therapy. Yes, I'm self-medicating:)!

There's the sound of a Little Touch Leapad in the background and Megan's labored breathing. She has just been diagnosed with childhood asthma. I'm not sure I believe the diagnosis...Or is it that I don't want to believe it? I'm not sure I want to consciously feed her steroids every day for the next two months and possibly the next year. I was assured the side effects to her are minimal, if any but I'm not sure...

There's also the sound of Benjamin singing in "Benjanese". We're starting to understand more of his efforts at communication now but he still gets frustrated with us. His nose is running incessantly as he mumbles something, sips from his cup and sings in between.

It's not the best day for me circumstantially but it is a good day. I get to be here with these two precious lives. I get to hear their singing, wipe their noses, tell them no, no NO:). I get to hug them. It's beautiful! I'm happy.

For now, no one else can touch them, hurt them, disillusion them, barge into their classroom with a gun... They are safe with me. I wish it could stay this way forever. I wish I could keep them safe from the outside evils. I know I can't...

It's a good day today. I'm going to soak up every minute of it:)!

Life as it Relates to a Margarita

I've been trying to think of an analogy for a margarita lately...Mainly because I love them. The weather is warming up and it is making them my favorite drink right now - aside from water that is:). In everything there must be balance *grin*.

Any way, the way I see it, a Margarita can relate to life in general. Nowadays there are many different flavors and varieties of Marg. You have your strawberry, mango, recently I discovered blackberry, etc. They can be frozen and blended or on the rocks with salt rims. It seems most restaurants have their own spin on Marg too. You don't have to look to far to find Marg in an original variety:)!

The quality and taste of Marg is largely determined by the quality of tequila that is used. Trust me, a connoisseur of sorts, there is a difference:). If you use a low end tequila you better have a good mix of Marg's juices and flavors. If you have a high end tequila the mix doesn't matter as much because you definitely don't want to mask the flavor of the tequila:)...

So how did I make this all relate to life? Quite simply really:). We all get to choose what flavor our life is by our attitudes. Sometimes it can be more sour than sweet, sometimes it can be more red than green:). Our attitude is like the Margarita mix. It will mix with whatever tequila you have on hand. Sometimes you need more attitude adjustment to compensate accordingly.

The tequila,in my analogy,is comparative to our current situation in life. We can have poor circumstances or we can be GREAT. Even if our life circumstances are prosperous and amazing we still have to choose our mix (attitude) carefully.

Wherever it is that you find yourself in life right now - just remember that you can control the flavor of it! I think I feel like I'm a strawberry margarita today - on the rocks with a salt rim:)... I'll let you figure out what mood that puts me in:)!

Thanks for checking in:).

XO

Focus

I think lately I've been very guilty of only looking at my world through my own perception. The trouble with this is that my perceptions aren't always the reality. After much soul searching I can see that I've convinced myself of things that I have no solid or concrete facts to back up - no evidence, only feelings, perceptions. It's easy to believe my feelings or my gut but it isn't always right...

Side Bar here: Thank God for a voice of reason, Eric!! He is also one of the most forgiving and non-judgemental people I know. He sees and believes only the facts most of the time. I truly admire and respect that about him - and need that in him.

So any way:), I'm trying to turn off my head and my jaded perceptions and view the world with a look of innocence again - like a child. I'm learning to believe that no one is really out to hurt me, or is talking behind my back, or is misperceiving me as I have done to them:). I want to turn off the protection mechanisms I've so carefully put in place over the years and love and accept others without judgement or fear of rejection. It's like getting back on your bike after a major wipe out and learning to ride all over again, knowing that you could get hurt but believing that the the ride will be worth the risk.

I believe this journey will make my life richer if I can complete it. I may have a few more "wrecks" along the way but I will also get to experience all the good that comes with the ride!

I'm taking off the glasses that have protected me and blurred my view. I hope I can be more authentic and see the world more authentically through eyes that are coming back into focus.

A Birthday Dedication to Alana

Sometimes a song makes you think of someone, but sometimes it does more than that...Sometimes it seems a song writer can capture exactly what is in your heart and thoughts for someone else. This song is one of them for me.

This is truly my wish for you Alana - for this year and all of your life! Happy 25th!

My Wish

By Rascal Flatts
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,

and each road leads you where you want to go,

and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,

if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,

all the ones who love you, in the place you left,

I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,

and you help somebody every chance you get,

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,

and always give more than you take.

But More than anything, Yeah, more than anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.