Simply...SIMPLE:)

Hey, it's me! Remember I used to blog every once in awhile:)... Haha!:) And it has been a long while since I've actually sat down and typed out my thoughts for a blog. Honestly, it's hard for me to blog right now. I have so much going on and so little of it I want to publish on the internet...

I am sooo soo tired lately. Can you tell? Sleep and I have been missing each other and it effects me more than I'd like to admit. I put up a tough exterior, smile, act like I'm totally fine. But all you have to do is listen to me talk or blog and you can tell. Lil' goofy. Not all the cylinders are firing:). Okay, sorry. Here goes. I am going to attempt a blog.

Since life is a little challenging these days I'm really going back to the simple things to get me through. The friendships that are there to sustain me without judgement regardless of what I say and/or do. The sunshine that warms my heart and my house. The house that protects me when the sun isn't shining. The smile that I can still give authentically in the midst of stress and chaos. The love that I have in my life that remains even when I don't deserve it. The love that I have for other people that keeps me going and giving and believing. The sight that I've been blessed with physically and figuratively to see the beauty and the not so beautiful things in life. And the hope I carry inside; today I am one day closer to a breakthrough than I was yesterday. And each day I am getting closer, progressing.

It's really the simple things we take for granted when times are good that sustain us when times are hard. For me, right now...It's just that simple.

I Was Tagged!

I was caught in a game of cyber tag and didn't dodge the bullet...So I'm it - here goes...

Someone Said I Had To - - -
Participate in a game of tag.

Four Jobs I've Held
1) Administrative/Marketing Assistant for High Country Engineering and now 2N Civil. Really one of my most interesting jobs, not only because I learned a lot about civil development but also because I got to work with lots of guys (engineers, and contractors) and I tried to learn about them too! :)

2) Hygeine Coordinator for Anderson and Heim DDS. Not one of my fav. positions but I learned a lot about dental health and maintenance. You only get one set of teeth as an adult and believe you me it is worth taking care of them! I mostly scheduled, and confirmed appointments but towards the end they let me assist in easy dental procedures. That part was cool! There was also A LOT of drama at this job!

3) Church Secretary for a church I will not name reasoning being it is better left unpublished on the net. This started out being a great job for me with incredible hours and great pay...But when it came down to it I had more integrity than the people that ran the church and it didn't end well! If you want the full story and have some time ask me.

4) Waitress at Hacienda Colorado. This is my most recent position and so far I'm likin' it. I NEVER saw myself doing something like this as I've had a fear of carrying drinks on a tray for as long as I can remember. No dropped trays or spilled drinks yet (knock on wood) and I'm good at working the peops. It's fun! Come see me!

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over
I'm not much of a movie watcher so I'm not sure I could watch any of these over and over again but here are my favs. that I do watch every so often:)!
1) Strange Brew - great 80's comedy:)
2) The Notebook - cheesey? yes, amazing love story? yes:)
3) Sweet Home Alabama - see above - what can I say I'm a chick
4) Hotel Rwanda - just a must see and a must remember so history doesn't repeat itself but I believe it already has in Africa:(

Four Places I've Lived
They are all in Colorado - very unexciting but here goes:)...
1) Basalt, CO - lived there til I was 8 or 9
2) Carbondale, CO - was there til I was 14
3) Glenwood Springs, CO - born there and finally lived there, it's the place I truly consider my hometown
4) Denver, CO - or the burbs specifically known as Highlands Ranch (where I reside now).

Four TV Shows I Like
Oh do I have to admit this;)
1) Survivor
2) Biggest Loser
3) Men In Trees
4) The Deadliest Catch

Four Favorite Foods
1) Potatoes - baked, fried, mashed, cakes YUM!!
2) Italian
3) Chocolate Cake - moist, warm and rich
4) Chicken fried steak or chicken

Four Places I'd Like to Be
1) The Beach in Hawaii
2) The Oregon Coast
3) San Diego - LOVE that city!
4) Alaska - but only in their summer season and only for a vacation type thing

Four People I Tag
Oh look out I'm gonna getcha...! :)
1) Alana!! Cause I love ya!
2) Terry - Have you ever blogged? I challenge you:)!
3) Sarah - You're always down for a fun game of tag:)!
4) Billy - cause I'm sure you could make a blog like this exceptionally entertaining!

Still Making My List

For those of you who just started reading my blog, this particular blog is a running list I am keeping this year of the things I have learned. To see the list in its entirety click on the links below:

8 Days In
To Be a Waitress and Other Updates

This is simply the continuation of that list. Love to all of you!

XO

Life Lessons of 2008 Continued...

#6 Life is learning! This perhaps should be #1 in my list:)...

#7 Your life, my life, our lives are impacting other people in ways we will never know...Which means you don't have to be successful to be influential. Make the most of the people and the moments in life.

#8 Don't be too cowardly to accept responsibility for actions and liabilities. It makes us better people in the end.

Eye On The Prize Dude!

Isn't it usually true that anything of value to us is worth fighting for? I've been thinking some about that question the last couple of days. What is important to me? What is worth fighting for, fighting against and what isn't worth it? I'm trying to reorganize my values and prioritize my life again so I don't really have the answer(s) to this question yet...Generally I know where I want to go but not specifically. How much time and energy have I spent and wasted on things that are really unimportant or trivial? What have I fought for that was really not worth the fight? How long have I been spinning my wheels - looking in the direction of my destination but in actuality not going any where?

To Be A Waitress and Other Updates...

So, I got a job! And it's not exactly the job I wanted or was looking for but I'm digging it so far. I started working for a local restaurant this week. They will be opening a new store in a new location in May and I am getting trained now to be one of the opening staff members for that store. Technically I was hired to be a "Cocktailer" but right now they are running me through the waitress, or what they call, "Sales Staff" training. I feel like I'm back in school again. I'm studying menus, abbreviations and codes, sauces, ingredients, etc. Since I have no experience in restaurant work its all very new and entertaining to me. I'm thoroughly enjoying the people I am meeting at work and that come in to dine. Most of them kind of crack me up!

But any way, I'm taking the long way around to saying that I'm sorry I've dropped off the social planet this week. I've been loosing my mind to a restaurant. I'll be back and hopefully will have more fun things to write about as a result of this change.

Love to you all...

Life Lesson update for 2008
(You can find the initial list under a post in January entitled "8 Days In"

#5 There is no substitute for time. It heals much and is a true revealer. If ever you are unsure, unsettled, a mess, a tragedy or even needing a change, give it time.

A Piece of Peace?

The more I understand about the human brain and our actions and reactions to our psyschi, the more I think Psychology 101 should be a required course in all High Schools and Colleges. Maybe if we took a little more time to understand our subconscious and the whys behind what we do, we would better contain our decisions and emotions that sometimes run recklessly and thoughtlessly through life. I know I have learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks simply by taking time to evaluate this side of me. And that makes me think that everyone could stand to gain a little insight to thier psychi...It just might make your immediate world a better place to live in...?

What You Know...

A basic element of writing is to write what you know. And as simple as that sounds it can be paradoxal to a someone trying to get the story out of their head into words on a page. I don't consider myself an established writer yet but writing is something I do often for mental release and relief. Because of this I write here what I know to be true for me. Some are momentary truths and some are timeless... Just like a song writer writes music and lyrics that usually in some way tie to their life experiences; writers write words, essays, stories, etc. that relate to their lives or the "characters" they know from the relationships they are in.

This realization kind of ties together with my previous post on honesty. It might be somewhat shocking to open my blog sometimes and be surprised by the honesty therein. I am sharing my experiences here...And yes, I probably should take caution with what I publish online but I think I've come to terms with the fact that you might find out more about me with this approach...And I assure you it will be authentic. Like an artist I am painting my colorful often raw thoughts on this canvas:). The picture may not always be a work of art but it will be my own creation:).

I'm not sure all of this will really make sense to you, but it was good for me to put the pieces together:). I thought I would share it in light of the honestly blog I posted the other day.

I hope you are all enjoying your weekend!! Happy St. Patty's Day from a red headed irish girl:)!

XO

Can You Handle It

I've always been a person who believed strongly in honesty. Of late I have been questioning and re-evaluating my stand on this moral topic...Because I have believed in being honest and living in transparency per se I have been more honest at times than I think people can handle. Just some of the reactions I've received to my blogs lately have surprised me...It seems if you aren't honest people speculate, if you are, people speculate:). And so that leads me to the question so popularly phrased by an old movie, "Can you handle the truth?" or would you rather believe your perceptions of me? Am I better off letting you believe what you want of me or being open and honest leaving myself raw and open for you to read?

They say you can never get behind the view of another and see things exactly as that person sees them. I believe this is because we have all been created uniquely as individuals and therefore we all process life differently. I know it is human nature and we all, no matter how hard we try, look in from the outside of so many things and draw our own conclusions. I do it as much as the next person so...I guess I'm really just musing and wondering at us as humans.

XO

Unraveling

If our life is a tapestry of fabric that we weave in and out of and weave our lives together on...How do you find individuality on that tapestry? It's not impossible to get things right the first time but it is rare. So is it necessary to unravel some of the fabric to find a unique and individual path? I think it can be...

The best comparison I have for this analogy was when I learned to knit. I started with a basic stitch and a simple scarf. I pulled that dumb thing apart I don't know how many times before I got it right and the stitching consistant. I still made mistakes along the way but for the most part I got it right...AND I finished what I started.

This unraveling that you may see in me isn't necessarily unhealthy though if it effects you it may be painful and scary to watch. It's painful for me too...But I can't re-do until I un-do. And I can't get it right if I don't pull things apart. I may make mistakes on the way to putting my life back together but I will finish this. Be patient:).

I hope that makes sense.

Checking Back Into Reality

I made it home and I've checked back into reality:). A snowy reality by tonight!! I'm still trying to digest everything that I experienced over the last seven days. But when I have something worth writing about I will update you:). I'd like to think of my time away as only a beginning to some much needed change in my life. Be patient with me and I'll get things figured out:)...

Bittersweet...

Last day...Didn't really know if I would post a blog today but here I am. I have to say the reality of going back to reality is bittersweet... I won't lie to you - the lazy lifestyle I've enjoyed the past 7 days has spoiled me in some ways:). But I do miss all of you and your daily love...I've been lonely the last two days which I kind of wanted to be:)...It was good for me because it does make me appreciate what I have to come home to...I missed so much having people around who know me and trust me and love me. I missed getting hugs, hearing your voices everyday. I watched people and their relationships the last few days and it made me understand what I have at home. So often we take for granted being known and knowing one another...It is something I, personally, need to survive. This trip has done me a world of good and there are definitely things here I will miss but my heart is in Colorado...And that is enough for me...

I LOVE you and will see you soon.

XO

Breathing

"...Remember what it's like to come into a beautiful place, a garden or a meadow or a quiet beach. There is room for your soul. It expands. You can breathe again. You can rest. It is good. All is well." Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge

So day five and my soul has finally been allowed to breath and I feel it expanding again. I hope I can take that home with me and not close up again...One of the things I have missed while I've been away is being hugged. I usually get a pretty good daily dose of hugs and I woke up this morning and had an ache for a big squeeze! It's something I must take for granted because I didn't anticipate missing it:).

The last two days I've allowed myself the time to lay around, read, write, think, listen and watch people...And its been good for me. I think its opened me up a lot...Hopefully not too little too late since this is my second to last day but I'll take what I can get.

I saw my "big fish" again today while I was on a run. I think they are porpoises after a little thought and the help of Google:)...Because I was closer today I saw them swimming in a group...AND another highlight of the day was that someone besides me took a picture of me:)! YES! I think it was a sympathy shot because as they were walking by and saw me trying to take a pic. of myself they offered. I laughed and let them take it. I'm so excited to have a picture without my arm in it holding up the camera that I'm posting it witht his blog:)! Haha!!

To borrow a quote from one of the comments left yesterday I would say this sums up a lot for me right now...

"Sometimes you have to tear your whole world apart and put it back together to get it right."

It's time to breath and rebuild...

Dreamer's Disease

Sorry I didn't get a blog up yesterday:)...I meant to because when I was running on the beach I heard this song and wanted these lyrics to be the words for the blog. This song expresses some of the things I've been unable to adequately convey about what is going on inside of me... Read and/or listen and you will hear my heart. Sorry if it errs on the cheesey side. You all still love me right?!;)

You Get What You Give
The New Radicals

Wake up kids
We've got the dreamers disease
Age 14 we got you down on your knees
So polite, you're busy still saying please
Frienemies, who when you're down ain't your friend
Every night we smash their mercedes-benz
First we run; and then we laugh till we cry
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find the light
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight
Chorus:
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
You only get what you give
Four a.m. we ran a miracle mile
We're flat broke but hey we do it in style
The bad rich
God's flying in for your trial
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find a friend
You feel your tree is breaking
Just then
(chorus)
This whole damn world can fall apart
You'll be ok, follow your heart
You're in harms way i'm right behind
Now say you're mine
(chorus)
Don't let go
We feel the music in you
Fly high
What's real can't die
You only get what you give
Just don't be afraid to leave
Health insurance rip off lying fda big bankers buying
Fake computer crashes dining
Cloning while they're multiplying
Fashion mag shoots
With the aid of 8 dust brothers, beck hanson
Courtney love, and marilyn manson
You're all fakes
Run to your mansions
Come around
We'll kick your ass in!
Don't let go
One dance left

"Big Fish"

I'm settled in now and much more comfortable with my surroundings and being here:)...I LOVE the change of scenery! It's so different than what I see daily... I saw big fish this a.m. swimming out in the ocean. I say big fish because at first I thought they were the dorsal fins of dolphins but then realized maybe its too cold for dolphins this time of year...I honestly don't know?? So then I thought maybe whales but I really wasn't able to get a good look or know for sure because they were swimming so far out. It did make me happy though to see them in their natural habitat and I'm content to settle my ignorance by calling them "big fish":).

O.k. seriously, to the nitty gritty now...:) One of the reasons I wanted to take this trip was to be alone and take care of myself. I've never had to and/or gotten to do that before and I wanted to know that I could do it...Today I came to peace with the fact that even though I can and may be able to adequately manage life and all that goes with it on my own, it's nice to be taken care of and loved too. Having people in my life that I can trust and who I know do have my back and care about what happens to me or even just care about how I am doing is invaluable...And what made me realize that today was all the love I got from you in phone calls, emails, etc. Thanks:)...

XO

So Far...

I don't really have anything amazing or profound to write today... I LOVE it here in sunny So. California. I love my location. I'm right on the beach. Between the beach and my hotel is the Boardwalk - I guess that is what it is called...But it is all concrete so maybe that isn't technically accurate??

I didn't do much today a little reading, exploring and people watching. I'm feeling ambitious and may go out tonight for a happy hour drink...?? For those of you worrying about my safety, please don't. I have my head screwed on straight and have been very careful and aware of my surroundings :). It may give you peace of mind to know that this strikes me as a very touristy and SAFE location. There are always lots of people around.

I have to say its a little odd to be completely on my own. I haven't quite known what to do with myself since there are no schedules to keep, no demands...It's interesting:). I'm not sure what I think about it yet. Its's been a looonnnggg time since I've only been responsible for myself.

Any way, now I'm rambling so I'll just get to the pix and let you go until tomorrow:).


A view of the sunset from my patio last night






Oh look that's me...I've learned today that I SUCK at self-portraits. We'll see if I can improve over the next few days:)





Found a Fat Burger while exploring and it smelled so good I went in for some fries...Sad to say this is a pic of what I couldn't finish. I guess I need a buddy to share with:(





A common site around here - surfers!







BUSTED with my BFF for this trip...Blogging to you;).

A Beginning

There are some places in life that only you can go - alone. Some people will understand and support that but more than likely most people won't. They will question your motivations and intentions, especially if it is out of your character. It is only human nature to do so. I have personally been on both sides of the coin. Today my soul searching journey begins...Alone...I have removed myself from my familiar surroundings, my friends and my family - my comfort zone. I am hoping to find some uninterrupted clarity of mind here.

I will keep you posted and I will post pictures:)! Attached is the view from my room.

XO

On a Lighter Note

Lately I feel like I've blogged about some heavy topics. It's probably hard to be excited to read my blog when you see titles like "Breakable" and "Love and Pain"...Sorry:)! So on a lighter note I thought I would post a link to a site that made me laugh this week and hopefully will make you at least crack a smile.

Enjoy! XO

You Suck At PhotoShop Tutorials:
My fav. is the second one so if you only have a few minutes to watch - watch that one.

Acceptance

Learning to accept things that we don't like, things we want to change or control can be one of the most ridiculous, self induced fights with oneself that we'll never win. Especially if you are me, a stubborn red head:)...It's not profound, but I realized recently that accepting things I cannot change can be beautiful if I allow it to be...It has brought out in me a raw honesty with myself and others that I feel has had or will have positive results.

To be candid with you I'll admit I've been a mess lately...Wondering how I got to where I am...It's like opening your eyes in the middle of the night to the unsettling dissillusionment of not knowing your surroundings. I've contemplated what my life would be like had I made different decisions earlier in life...I've wondered why doing the right thing always seemed to be enough for me, no matter what the sacrifice was, and why now it isn't enough. I can't justify my actions and life on rules and expectations. But there are things that I cannot change right now and results of decisions I've made that I cannot walk away from. So that leaves me with acceptance...And I think I finally got my arms around it for the moment.

Acceptance doesn't change feelings or emotions it just changes attitudes and willingness...So for now, I accept the things I cannot change and I'm willing to let go and let fate, faith, and hope take the wheel.

Love and Pain

Music is my muse and coping mechanism for life...And I've been listening to A LOT of music lately. The other day a lyric in a song caught my attention...

"I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."

Which made me wonder, can you have love without pain? Can you feel one without the other?

To me feeling pain is evidence that I love. If I didn't care about a person or a thing, would it hurt to loose them or it? Love and pain are the perfect ying and yang. I'm pretty sure you can't have one without the other. So bring on the pain when it comes because that only means I have loved. And love is worth it.

8 Days In...

I decided on New Year's Day that I wanted to write down in a notebook all the life lessons I learn this year. Each lesson comes with a memory and/or experience and my hope is that by recording these things as I go by the end of '08 I will be able to reflect on how far life has taken me. Then I thought why not do it here? I'm pretty candid and open with all my loyal blogging fans and just maybe my life lessons will benefit you too? If not I'm sure you'll at least find some entertainment value in a few of them.

It's only 8 days into the new year and I've already been busy creating some life changing moments so here is the start of my list...

2008 Life Lessons (so far):

1. The consumption of alcohol cannot be sustained over a 7 hour period without consequences, (you'd think I would have learned that before now - maybe its just a lesson we have to re-learn from time to time).

2. Don't let my neighbor Ed mix you a drink - pretty much EVER! I was warned and I didn't listen to the warning. My bad.

3. Grace and forgiveness given where it is undeserved can be more cleansing and painful than the judgement and punishment we think we deserve.

4. When you suck at life (like I do now) don't abort the process of healing. Things never go away, and you'll deal with it eventually.

To be continued...