Control

"I can change almost anything. I can't change human nature."

Funny how quotes are interrupting my thoughts and influencing my writing of late. I heard the one above on a new sci-fi-ish movie preview last night. It was a most unlikely place for inspiration and I have no idea what context the quote is taken from but how true it rings.

There's a lot of things in our lives we can change from our hair and eye color to the size of our lips, chests, stomachs... We can change our look, we can change where we live, who we associate with. We can change our names, our jobs, the stations we watch and/or listen to. We can change how and what we eat, drink, wear. We have been given the power by technology and our creator to change almost anything save one integral part of life, human nature.

In general I know what human nature is defined by. Our thoughts, emotions, our heart. But I wanted to find a technical definition as reference to my own interpretation. Wikipedia defined it as: The set of logical characteristics, including ways of thinking, feeling and acting that all normal human beings have in common. However, it is possible to change thoughts, feelings and even actions; they are temporal and fleeting. So what is it about human nature that we can't change?

We can't change how others will turn and direct their thoughts, feelings and actions towards us. And as much as I've wanted to do that at times, it's never worked out for me. So I guess I took the long way around to simply say, the only real control I have in this universe is over myself. And truly accepting that is profound.

Making Love

I ran across a quote yesterday that I loved and it provided much food for thought. The quote said this,

"Most people don't know how to make love."

Initially my thoughts turned toward sex as most of yours just did;), so I'll start there. What is making love vs. having sex? On a basic level sex only requires the physical meeting of two partners. Making love suggests emotions and intimacy and is usually indicative of a relationship. In a culture saturated with skin and sex and lust I'd have to agree many don't know how to slow down, connect and MAKE love...

But making love outside of the bedroom is also a legitimate issue most people don't take the time to do. It takes caring and effort to create love in the space of your world. To give love to the people who love you and others who don't, isn't easy and is certainly risky! What if you loose that relationship? What if the person rejects your attempts to love? What if in giving love you loose and get hurt?

We're all so used to the generics in life. Getting the physical fix without the emotional fulfillment. And why? I think for most it's easier that way. It's self-protection. If we don't get attached, make love and/or get our emotions involved we don't get hurt. By keeping love at bay we can walk away and brush it off if it doesn't work out. No harm no foul.

Not me, I wanna know how to create and make love and do it well! I don't care how much it hurts. The pay off of real love is so much more than the generic version. To live and to love without restraints and regrets, to me, is truly living. Seriously what else were our emotions and senses given to us for?

Experience life, feel it! Do it people. And know I love you!:)

M.I.A.

I can't believe it's been almost three weeks since I updated here. What kind of a blogger am I?? Definitely not active enough on this site of late. That is in part because I've been posting 2-3 times per week on examiner.com. I've spent a lot of time I would have otherwise allotted to blogging trying to familiarize myself with their publishing tools and system. I am enjoying writing for examiner because it combines two things that I love - music and writing! So if you miss me (I hope so) and need a quick blog fix you can always jump over there to hear my random music raves, reviews and opinions several times a week. And if there is anything you want me to research and write about send me your ideas. I'm always open to that!

Becuase I'm in the music creative vein I ran into a song while digging through the Grammy nominations last week that I absolutely love!! I relate to it on so many different levels. One of the lines in this song says: "A life perfect, ain't perfect if you don't know what the struggle's for.". That line exposed new elements of an old fundamental truth. In reality we never reach the "perfect" life but we all dream and anticipate getting to a happy place in our journey's. A place where we've accomplished goals we've set and dreams we've worked to achieve. But we can't get there without the struggle and neglect, even poverty. The struggle is what makes the end result taste all the sweeter. If you never fight for anything, you never win...The struggle is part of the perfection in the end.

I'll leave you with those thoughts...and as always my love!

XO

Examine This

I have been busy burning a hole in my keyboard lately!! I'm chasing down lots of writing opportunities as usual and...I finally have a small writing breakthrough:). I was accepted to blog on Examiner.com. I am the National Pop Music Examiner and will be paid based on how many hits I generate to my page. Yeahya! I was hoping to entice you to "pop" in over there and check me out from time to time...Or all the time is fine too:). To find me you can click here: Pop Music Examiner or simply go to examiner.com and search National Pop Music Examiner. I will also be adding the link to the "I'd Hit That" List to your immediate right. I only have one blog posted but hope to get busy with a couple more soon. I'm still trying to figure out their system and process.

In other news, I turned 30! Yep I've officially joined the young and accomplished club, ha:)! And I want to say thank you to all of you that made my day AMAZING. I was truly overwhelmed by your love and wishes. There were so many different ways you all made my b-day special from the gifts and cards to the 30+ of you that showed up to celebrate with me. I truly look forward to paying the love forward to all of you all year long!

And believe it or not, that is only the tip of the iceburg for me this year! I will post more updates and blogs as they materialize. I hope to keep the momentum rolling!

Love to all of you!

Digging for Gold

You will miss out on so much of life if you fail to look deeper than the surface of any human being!

I LOVE people. It's just the way I was made. I've tried to live by this rule for much of my life and I feel that I'm richer for doing so. I try to look at people from the inside out and then form my first impressions, not the other way around. At times it's easier than others but I have found good in every person I've met in life. You'll never be sorry if you approach the people in your world this way. And like me, you'll probably fall in love with people if you succeed! :)

Everyone out there has something to offer and so much will be missed if you don't take the time to dig for gold!

Wrappin' 2008 Up...

Wow, so 2008 is gone in 10 hours +/-! I wish I had an eloquent flow of words to sum up my year and wrap it up with a bow. I don't though and it's probably appropriate given the scope of it all :). Probably the best way to summarize is to just re-list my Life Lessons from the year in consecutive order. I think you'll see as I did, that I've grown up a lot, especially in the last quarter of '08. I hope to continue my list in '09. Life is indeed learning.

Happy New Year to all of you. And my love too!;)

My Life Lessons of 2008

1. The consumption of alcohol cannot be sustained over a 7 hour period without consequences, (you'd think I would have learned that before now - maybe its just a lesson we have to re-learn from time to time).

2. Don't let my neighbor Ed mix you a drink - pretty much EVER! I was warned and I didn't listen to the warning. My bad.

3. Grace and forgiveness given where it is undeserved can be more cleansing and painful than the judgement and punishment we think we deserve.

4. When you suck at life (like I do now) don't abort the process of healing. Things never go away, and you'll deal with it eventually.

5. There is no substitute for time. It heals much and is a true revealer. If ever you are unsure, unsettled, a mess, a tragedy or even needing a change, give it time.

6. Life is learning! This perhaps should be #1 in my list:)...

7. Your life, my life, our lives are impacting other people in ways we will never know...Which means you don't have to be successful to be influential. Make the most of the people and the moments in life.

8. Don't be too cowardly to accept responsibility for actions and liabilities. It makes us better people in the end.

9. I am gullible! All the writing jobs I got so excited about and even blogged about turned out to be SCAMS! Three in a row. I figured I had nothing to loose by applying and following the application processes through. Nothing to loose perhaps but a scosh of pride. However despite the scammers I do believe I am a bit better for the experience. And I do have an authentic opportunity on the fire I will be keeping quieter until it transpires (if it does).

10. It's okay to make mistakes - even major ones - if you allow the mistakes to make you. In other, way overused terminology freakin' learn from them. You'd think I'd have learned this one by now, but this year it was amplified. :)

11. Until you find yourself and know who you are and where you are going, you'll never be able to lead any other. Simple in concept, profound in life experience.

12. It's okay to be self-centered in moderation. If you don't take care of yourself how can you authentically give to others for any sustainable amount of time?

13. Friends are proven and/or fail in times of struggle and faltering. The results of a true test of friendship will unceasingly surprise you.

14. Don't give up on a difficult time or process. Never give up. It's always worth the fight, victory and even defeat.

Take it or Leave it, Earn it AND Spend it!

In my life, I've long held close the belief that money can be earned and spent but time - you can never get it back. You can only spend it once. And though I've believed this for more of my life than not, I haven't lived it fully yet. Life and time are precious commodities! I want to spend them living and breathing in the moments and making the memories. That is all I can take with me and that is all I can leave behind me!

I've stood on the threshold of change this year. And I stood there for way to long. Looking out over what I could do, what I might do, should I do it? And just before 2009 hits I'm ready to change, to take that first step forward. It took understanding myself, what I believe of purpose, people, destiny vs. fate, life... I absolutely don't understand it all BUT I'm ready to spend now in the dance of it all. I'm ready to learn and grow. I know who I am and where I want to go. I'm excited for once to be me! To live on purpose. To go take what I know and believe to be my dreams and intents. Even more exciting still will be the experiences and the people and the love and trial I will find in the interim of it all.

"Cherish your yesterday's; dream your tomorrows, but live your today's!"

In the Midst of Beautiful Chaos

This weekend I was part of a holiday fashion show. It was my first time modeling on the runway and I was pretty sure I didn't measure up. From the minute I walked into the open casting call two weeks previous to the show I felt less than typical as a model. It was insane how quickly my mind focused on and emphasized my physical features and inadequacies. In a healthy sense I have no problem with this to a point because I believe it is important to take care of our bodies. But there is a line and I definitely crossed it. When I found out I was in the show I really started going mentally crazy wondering how I could drop 5 pounds in a week by starvation or any method possible. My competitive nature came out and I focused on getting my body ready to compete with the other skinnier models hitting the catwalk with me. I even considered giving up my addiction to Starbucks!! But only for a second.

When I arrived at the venue on Saturday I was nervous. My rapid weight loss strategy had simply failed because I like food and Starbucks too much!:) My nerves worsened as the other models started showing up. I felt like they easily showed me up!! For the first part of the evening that preceded the show, I considered leaving, not lining up, etc. But finally decided to follow through with my commitment and face my fear. I faded into the background while the photographers snapped all the beauties in action. Everyone seemed more interested in where the photographers were and being in the shot with the "VIP's" than in anything else. As I observed the other ladies it was easy to see they had put much emphasis on developing and maintaining their exterior beauty. However the level of alcohol consumption steadily increased as the minutes ticked down to show time which made me wonder if perhaps some of these girls also had hidden insecurities with themselves.

When we finally lined up to strut our stuff on stage (two hours late!) I still wasn't feeling super confident. I was ready to get it over with but worried about being the fool of the show. And then it happened. One of the experienced models stumbled off stage almost falling. And she wasn't the last one that did so. That's when it hit me. A piece of knowledge conveniently misplaced in the midst of beautiful chaos. I knew who I was...and whether beauty showed up on the outside or not I have spent much time developing it on the inside. I could confidently do this with the inner poise I have developed over the years. With that in mind I stepped on the stage and struck my first of three poses. By the grace of God, someone caught a good shot!! And while a look of trepidation still lingers in my eyes I think in the modeling world that can be mistaken for a sultry look or attitude? Ha!:) And that's what I'm going with!
DISCLAIMER: My writing is based on generalizations and assumptions of the ladies I observed. The statements included are solely my opinion. And I should say the friend of mine who got me involved in this event is a model who is a classy individual in every aspect. Thanks for the friendship and experience Sahsha!;)

To Put it Lightly

I feel like I'm always logging in here and writing about serious or heavy topics. And during the holiday rush I would rather be happy and write about something to take my mind as well as yours off of the stress the season can sometimes bring. So I just sat here, fingers poised over the keys of my keyboard, for at least 10 minutes trying to think of a lighter subject, maybe even with a humorous flare. Nothing came to me. In case you couldn't tell from my writing in this blog, I actually do like to be silly and have a decent sense of humor. BUT when it comes to writing somehow it evades me! RaWr!!:) Since I have no "lighter" subject inspiration I decided to write about my lack of ability to write humorously. And the irony of it all is that, tongue in cheek, this might be ridiculous and funny in itself?? :)

Wanted:
Topics that are lively and entertaining, humorous, strange, etc. Challenge me, send them my way and see if I do them artistic justice.

Having Myself

"I feel like I got myself back. I may never have even had myself - but I do now."

I stole this quote from an article I read last month in a magazine. It perfectly articulates a lot of things I have wrestled with. About a year ago I looked at my life in a surreal way and as blessed as I was and am I knew there was more to me than what I had achieved. I felt I had cheated myself out of some of the dreams I had. And I started to look for reasons why and who was standing in my way. I found out the hard way that the only person standing in my way was me!

I feel like we're raised to look for the "happily ever after". It's in every book you read as you grow up, in all the romantic comedies we watch, it's a subliminal message that permeates our culture. And in pursuit of that "happily ever after" I think we sometimes forget what makes us truly happy. It's the journey that brings us to the ending, the "happy place" we are all seeking. As a writer my story endings are short and sweet. They wrap things up and that's it. The meat of the story is the important part, the details, the conflict, the struggle, the characterization, the pursuit that brings you to the sweet conclusion...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that a year later I've learned a lot of tough things about how we get to "happily ever after", or just to be happy. If you get there at all it has a lot to do with you, with me. Your own happiness starts in your heart. It's not a set of circumstances or the right Mr. or Ms. It's not something out there waiting to be found. I'm still working on that and think I will be for awhile but at least I've unlocked a piece of the mystery.

Happy Holiday Season to you! MUCH love!! XO

Simple In Concept, Profound In Life Experience

At the beginning of this year I decided to keep a running list of the "life lessons" I learned in 2008. I have posted them throughout the year in this blog as I have realized them. To catch up and review my list to date click on the following posts:

8 Days In
To Be a Waitress and Other Updates
Still Making My List

Here's a few more...

9. I am gullible! All the writing jobs I got so excited about and even blogged about turned out to be SCAMS! Three in a row. I figured I had nothing to loose by applying and following the application processes through. Nothing to loose perhaps but a scosh of pride. However despite the scammers I do believe I am a bit better for the experience. And I do have an authentic opportunity on the fire I will be keeping quieter until it transpires (if it does).

10. It's okay to make mistakes - even major ones - if you allow the mistakes to make you. In other, way overused terminology freakin' learn from them. You'd think I'd have learned this one by now, but this year it was amplified. :)

11. Until you find yourself and know who you are and where you are going, you'll never be able to lead any other. Simple in concept, profound in life experience.

12. It's okay to be self-centered in moderation. If you don't take care of yourself how can you authentically give to others for any sustainable amount of time?

13. Friends are proven and/or fail in times of struggle and faultering. The results of a true test of friendship will unceasingly surprise you.

14. Don't give up on a difficult time or process. Never give up. It's always worth the fight, victory and even defeat.

Sending my cyber love to you all. Until next time...

Shadows

Being misunderstood is not a great feeling. Worse still is not being able to articulate a defense for the misunderstanding. There seems to always be a balance between the perception and the reality of things in life...the shades of grey perhaps. The things that can't be defined by words but only felt in the heart and soul. What I've learned is that sometimes you have to leave those shadows as undefined and walk on. Not everyone will understand even if you could find the words.

The Latest...

Updates! Unfortunately I don't have much to update on the writing front. I turned in both applications for the jobs I was after and I have heard...NOTHING! Boo :(! One of the jobs I was applying for had at least 70 other qualified applicants so I wasn't holding my breath. That is tough competition. However for the music blog I was only up against about 20 or so others. I returned my portion of the application/assignment last Tuesday and I expect to hear something this week if it is a yes...Otherwise, back to the drawing board. I still have a few more writing projects firing so all opportunity is not lost:).

As far as The Denver Marathon goes, it is gone and it went well! Our relay team competed in the ING portion of the Marathon a week ago Sunday. I'm pleased to report I did accomplish my goal of running 9 miles at a pretty decent speed. I completed my leg in exactly 9 minute miles on average. The first 3 miles were faster than that but obviously I didn't maintain my opening pace. I felt good during the race and I am contemplating a half marathon in the not too distant future...I am not sure why:)! As a whole our relay team did SUPA in the marathon and we all managed to run as well or faster than we'd hoped! Our team results were above average but most importantly we had a lot of FUN!! Thanks Alana, Eric, Andrew and Whitney!!

That's it for now. I will check back in with another blog later this week. Happy Monday!

Controversy!

And I love it...The controversy that is. I changed one simple letter in my name and it has sparked a reaction. Marion/Marian is a gender neutral name like Taylor or Shawn/Sean, etc. My parents chose to spell my name the way my Grandmother spelled hers (whom I am named after). Technically speaking Marion spelled with the "on" is the male spelling and the "an" is the female version. I am girly and like pretty much all things girl, like pink, high heels, dressing up...So why not use the "pink" version of my name? I'm not changing it afterall:).

I've debated changing the spelling off an on throughout my life but have never done anything about it. I looked into changing it legally this year and decided against it purely for monetary and laziness reasons (i.e. filling out the paperwork, filing it, or paying someone twice or three times as much to do it for me). But since the phase hasn't passed I decided to adopt the alias a week or so ago. Just for fun...Just to see how it went and if anyone would notice. I changed the spelling of my name on my Myspace and Facebook pages as well as on my email signatures.

To my surprise the people that have noticed and been brave enough to speak up haven't liked the new spelling urging me to stick with tradition. I am amused and enjoy the feedback. It's only a simple letter, a vowel change to be specific, and it has sparked such a strong response.

So tell me...if you dare, what do you think? Marion or Marian?

P.S. (Thanks to all of you who responded to my previous blog by email or comment. I recieved some great ideas and input. I hope to incorporate most, if not all of it should I get the position. I have narrowed my topic and will turn in the writing assignment which is the next step of the application process by Monday. Updates to follow soon.)

Enjoy your weekend and wish me luck in mine. Nine miles to conquer with my running on Sunday!

XO

Taking Suggestions...Now :)

If you recall back in August I wrote a blog entitled "Busting Through"...? I have been somewhat relentless in that area when it comes to my writing career. In the last few months I've been chasing down leads and responding to every job ad I feel qualified for. If nothing else has come of this crazy year it is that I have definitely found my niche creatively...I am a writer and I will not stop until I get paid to do what I love;). And at that, I'm not even sure I care if I get paid monetarily as long my writing manages to reach people and/or impacts my immediate world.

SO, to the updates. In the last week I've gotten two opportunities to interview for paid writing positions. One is for a new local magazine in the works and the other is for a new, upcoming music site that is hiring bloggers. Which is where I thought you might come in handy. I am in need of a "musical" topic to blog about. The emphasis is that I write about anything under the category of "music" but I do have to have a specific topic I can blog about weekly for 4-5 months at least. The topic has to be specific enough to write intelligently about but broad enough to write about for a wide range of time. In addition I need to somehow tie that topic back into the Colorado music scene. I have to submit an outline of my first six blogs by next Tuesday, at which point they will choose the top 3 writers out of 20 some. I want to be one of them.

So here's my request...Send me topic ideas! I do have in mind a general direction I want to head in but I also want to find out what you would enjoy reading. Since I already have a small audience here it would be great to hear your feedback and generate some interest in this new site should I get hired. Of course keep in mind I need your ideas ASAP since I have to get my outline together this week. You can either respond here by commenting or email me at: marion@2ncivil.com.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon! I will most definitely keep you posted on the results of both of these writing opportunities.

Ever So Close

Just thought I would post a few quick updates. Back in August I posted a blog about the relay team I was putting together to run in the Denver Marathon on October 19th. The race is now less than 2 weeks away and our team is still solid and training. I might add our team is comprised of some of my FAVORITE people of all time, including two of my lifer BFF's and my original tequila buddy (shots after the race Andrew?)!!

Since I put the team together I ended up being the runner that opted to take on...err by default got stuck with the 9.1 mile leg. Ha;)! I'm winding down one of my best running seasons to date, so this was a good challenge for me to tackle. However, over the course of my short running career, this is a distance I've been unable to attain in a race setting due to various over use and over training injuries. Training for the Denver Marathon has affirmed in my mind that I like shorter distances much (let me emphasize) MUCH better than longer ones. I've run over 15 miles total each week for the last several weeks with my longest run per week topping out at 7 miles. This week I'm up to 17 miles for the week and my long run will be 8 miles. I've managed to keep my body and muscles semi-healthy this time so it looks like the 9 miles is just within my grasp - quick find me some wood to knock on:). I'm slower at this distance than my competitive nature would like to be but at least I anticipate accomplishing this 9.1 mile long goal. Wish me luck!

Other updates...Ugh...Boo. I wish I had more good news for you. Send some sunshine, cheer and easier days my way. Aside from a healthy running season there aren't many good things going on here. But I continue to smile and believe with all the hope and joy that remains in me, each day brings me one day closer to a breakthrough. Just as each step during my runs brings me one stride closer to my 9 mile goal...And that seems to be enough to keep me going strong.

Hope you are all well. Thanks for popping in...

XO

Life's Crossroads

Sometimes even the most carefully laid out plans in life bring you to crossroads you never anticipated. You can make all the right choices and be all the right things for your whole life...You can even accomplish goals in timely accurate steps. And then the curve ball of life knocks you down. And it hits you so hard when you get up you're entirely disoriented and don't know which direction to go...Or even if the one you were headed in was the right one. Were the decisions you made earlier the right ones? Are the decisions you're facing now the wrong ones? And the paradox of it all is that you bring yourself to these crossroads by the choices you made one at a time.

The Evolution of Dance

I though this video was worthy of passing along. Hope you enjoy it:).




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

A Happy Little Riddle ha:)

I'm not really a riddle solver but I think I have one we all want to get our arms around...Happiness!! Isn't it something we're all chasing and something that seems to elude so many of us? I'm not so sure "happiness" is a set of circumstances or emotions that magically lines up and makes us complete. Admittedly there are temporary pleasures and things that make us feel happy for a moment, but those things (i.e. chocolate cake in my case, or the colors changing on the trees in the fall) are not sustainable. They're temporary and seasonal.

Maybe true happiness that lasts is more getting to your core and finding your way in this life. I believe we can control the temperature of our lives. Hot and happy or cold and whatever else you may think your life is right now, to every temperature in between.

Someone told me last week to make myself happy and the rest would fall into place. And though I appreciate that train of thought, I think that I need to choose to be happy no matter what does or doesn't fall into place. A deep inner contentment that comes from knowing the heart of life is good and enjoying and experiencing it fully comes pretty darn close to happiness for me.

A Nation Divided?

What bugs me about politics and this country right now is that we are NOT "One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all". Right now in the midst of a Presidential election I would venture boldly to say we are one nation divisible and very much divided. The democrats vs. the republicans…The McCainers vs. the Obama’s. I realize that as a responsible American I have the right and the privilege to vote for many things including one man or woman that I choose to represent me as President of my country. I just wish that during a campaign season I didn’t have to be pitted against my friends, neighbors and countrymen for my decision….

In my ideal America I wouldn’t have to watch political parties pit themselves against each other and throw out nasty comments and slanderous insults to the opposing party; but instead raise intelligent and respectful debates and arguments on differing opinions. In my America the President that is currently serving my country is deserving of respect and honor regardless of whether that is who I voted for or not…Yes we’ve been given a brain and a voice and a country that gives us the right to express our thoughts, however; were we given the right to disrespect our fellow countrymen who see life with different perspectives and influences?

So do engage your brain. Please do...Do the research and know what and who you are voting for and definitely WHY. But then, if you must, respectfully defend your position with honor and dignity. I think we would be better served by our public officials if we weren’t encouraged to get into heated, slanderous arguments against each other to defend who we are supporting. If we were allowed to focus on the issues and policies instead of being forced to research what is truth and what is propaganda. We would be better served by intelligent and respectful individuals who set the standard of conduct not by who could deal the lowest blow, with the most convincing and charismatic speech; but by who could respectfully lead a people of various and differing views. Don't you see, all this division distracts us from the real leaders and the real issues??

Just my thoughts...And the good news is, you're not only entitled to express your own but entrusted with the right to do so...:)