Patterns of Grey

Life often doesn't turn according to our expectations and/or anticipation. Lately that has been one of the clearest messages coming across the screen of my life. You think things are going to go one way and they go another. You bank on people doing something and they do another thing entirely... You're sure you heard someone say something and find out you misunderstood their intentions entirely. And it's hard not to feel disappointed, betrayed, self-pitiful:)! I have to say at this moment I'm feeling a little blue about some things relating to this. BUT I want to be strong and I want to move through this pattern of grey. Knowing everything will be alright and turn out somehow has to be enough. No answers are presenting themselves...So I'll just keep trying and hanging on ever so precariously to the "when" everything will work out and be alright.

"If you're listening this is how much it hurts..."

Colorado...

I LOVE this and I qualify for just about every one of these:)!

You're from Colorado if...

You'll eat ice cream in the winter.

When the weather report says it's going to be 65 degrees, you shave your legs and wear a skirt.

It snows 5 inches and you don't expect school to be cancelled.

You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.

You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And then you make
fun of them.

'Humid' is over 25%.

Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and Away from the
mountains.

You say 'the interstate' and everybody knows which one.

You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard.

You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat.

You know what the Continental Divide is.

You don't think Coors beer is that big a deal.

You went to Casa Bonita as a kid.

You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such
activities.

You always know the elevation of where you are.

You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and you wonder if it's going to
snow tomorrow.

You don't care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile
High.

Every movie theater has military and student discounts.

Everybody wears jeans to church.

You actually know that South Park is a real place not just a show on TV.

You know what a 'trust fund hippy' is, and you know its natural habitat is
Boulder.

You know you're talking to a fellow Coloradoan when they call it Elitches,not Six Flags.

A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you.

Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is beating the crap out
of the Raiders.

You've been to the original Chipotle near the DU campus on Evans.

When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you
just laugh.

You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels 'sticky' and you
notice the sky is no longer blue.

...Yep pretty much:)!

I Am Becoming, Part 1

This post has been a long time in coming. Trying to find words for what is going on inside of me sometimes can be difficult at best... I feel like a lot is changing. It probably always is but the changes happening now are related to my character, morals, values - my core so I notice them more.

A little raw honesty here tells you that I have never felt like a natural mommy. It's a position I was operating in but maybe not coping with well - like I was doing a job but always looking ahead for another opportunity. I wanted so much to feel what other mommy's felt - a love and gratitude for what I do day in and day out. And I wanted to really appreciate the privilege of being able to be home with my kids and not just say I did! I felt like I was looking through a window at what I should be but somehow not able to get into that place...Until recently.

I think when I took Megan in for her first day of Pre-K this August it suddenly dawned on me that this was her last year at home full time with me before she started a new chapter in her life... This realization was almost devastating to me. I still felt like I hadn't connected to the whole mommy thing the way I should and I felt guilty for all the lost time.

Shortly after that I found an AMAZING nanny/babysitter for Ben. She was supposed to give me one day of freedom. I would leave Ben with her on the one full day that Megan was in school and go to work. This was what I wanted and whined and pleaded for for years...But...

It only took one day for me to realize that working away from my kids was not what I wanted to do anymore. The shoe didn't fit like I thought it would. I thought about them both and missed them throughout that day. Now on the day I'm supposed to leave Ben with his nanny I find myself coming up with all kinds of excuses and reasons why I have to cancel. The heart of the matter is just that I want to be with him. I want to be here.

Maybe I'm a slow learner. Maybe I looked through the glass long enough to see it... Or maybe I'm just in the process of becoming. Either way, I am embracing the fact that I am a mommy and even on the really bad days, I wouldn't miss another minute of it for the world!

To be continued...