Wrappin' 2008 Up...

Wow, so 2008 is gone in 10 hours +/-! I wish I had an eloquent flow of words to sum up my year and wrap it up with a bow. I don't though and it's probably appropriate given the scope of it all :). Probably the best way to summarize is to just re-list my Life Lessons from the year in consecutive order. I think you'll see as I did, that I've grown up a lot, especially in the last quarter of '08. I hope to continue my list in '09. Life is indeed learning.

Happy New Year to all of you. And my love too!;)

My Life Lessons of 2008

1. The consumption of alcohol cannot be sustained over a 7 hour period without consequences, (you'd think I would have learned that before now - maybe its just a lesson we have to re-learn from time to time).

2. Don't let my neighbor Ed mix you a drink - pretty much EVER! I was warned and I didn't listen to the warning. My bad.

3. Grace and forgiveness given where it is undeserved can be more cleansing and painful than the judgement and punishment we think we deserve.

4. When you suck at life (like I do now) don't abort the process of healing. Things never go away, and you'll deal with it eventually.

5. There is no substitute for time. It heals much and is a true revealer. If ever you are unsure, unsettled, a mess, a tragedy or even needing a change, give it time.

6. Life is learning! This perhaps should be #1 in my list:)...

7. Your life, my life, our lives are impacting other people in ways we will never know...Which means you don't have to be successful to be influential. Make the most of the people and the moments in life.

8. Don't be too cowardly to accept responsibility for actions and liabilities. It makes us better people in the end.

9. I am gullible! All the writing jobs I got so excited about and even blogged about turned out to be SCAMS! Three in a row. I figured I had nothing to loose by applying and following the application processes through. Nothing to loose perhaps but a scosh of pride. However despite the scammers I do believe I am a bit better for the experience. And I do have an authentic opportunity on the fire I will be keeping quieter until it transpires (if it does).

10. It's okay to make mistakes - even major ones - if you allow the mistakes to make you. In other, way overused terminology freakin' learn from them. You'd think I'd have learned this one by now, but this year it was amplified. :)

11. Until you find yourself and know who you are and where you are going, you'll never be able to lead any other. Simple in concept, profound in life experience.

12. It's okay to be self-centered in moderation. If you don't take care of yourself how can you authentically give to others for any sustainable amount of time?

13. Friends are proven and/or fail in times of struggle and faltering. The results of a true test of friendship will unceasingly surprise you.

14. Don't give up on a difficult time or process. Never give up. It's always worth the fight, victory and even defeat.

Take it or Leave it, Earn it AND Spend it!

In my life, I've long held close the belief that money can be earned and spent but time - you can never get it back. You can only spend it once. And though I've believed this for more of my life than not, I haven't lived it fully yet. Life and time are precious commodities! I want to spend them living and breathing in the moments and making the memories. That is all I can take with me and that is all I can leave behind me!

I've stood on the threshold of change this year. And I stood there for way to long. Looking out over what I could do, what I might do, should I do it? And just before 2009 hits I'm ready to change, to take that first step forward. It took understanding myself, what I believe of purpose, people, destiny vs. fate, life... I absolutely don't understand it all BUT I'm ready to spend now in the dance of it all. I'm ready to learn and grow. I know who I am and where I want to go. I'm excited for once to be me! To live on purpose. To go take what I know and believe to be my dreams and intents. Even more exciting still will be the experiences and the people and the love and trial I will find in the interim of it all.

"Cherish your yesterday's; dream your tomorrows, but live your today's!"

In the Midst of Beautiful Chaos

This weekend I was part of a holiday fashion show. It was my first time modeling on the runway and I was pretty sure I didn't measure up. From the minute I walked into the open casting call two weeks previous to the show I felt less than typical as a model. It was insane how quickly my mind focused on and emphasized my physical features and inadequacies. In a healthy sense I have no problem with this to a point because I believe it is important to take care of our bodies. But there is a line and I definitely crossed it. When I found out I was in the show I really started going mentally crazy wondering how I could drop 5 pounds in a week by starvation or any method possible. My competitive nature came out and I focused on getting my body ready to compete with the other skinnier models hitting the catwalk with me. I even considered giving up my addiction to Starbucks!! But only for a second.

When I arrived at the venue on Saturday I was nervous. My rapid weight loss strategy had simply failed because I like food and Starbucks too much!:) My nerves worsened as the other models started showing up. I felt like they easily showed me up!! For the first part of the evening that preceded the show, I considered leaving, not lining up, etc. But finally decided to follow through with my commitment and face my fear. I faded into the background while the photographers snapped all the beauties in action. Everyone seemed more interested in where the photographers were and being in the shot with the "VIP's" than in anything else. As I observed the other ladies it was easy to see they had put much emphasis on developing and maintaining their exterior beauty. However the level of alcohol consumption steadily increased as the minutes ticked down to show time which made me wonder if perhaps some of these girls also had hidden insecurities with themselves.

When we finally lined up to strut our stuff on stage (two hours late!) I still wasn't feeling super confident. I was ready to get it over with but worried about being the fool of the show. And then it happened. One of the experienced models stumbled off stage almost falling. And she wasn't the last one that did so. That's when it hit me. A piece of knowledge conveniently misplaced in the midst of beautiful chaos. I knew who I was...and whether beauty showed up on the outside or not I have spent much time developing it on the inside. I could confidently do this with the inner poise I have developed over the years. With that in mind I stepped on the stage and struck my first of three poses. By the grace of God, someone caught a good shot!! And while a look of trepidation still lingers in my eyes I think in the modeling world that can be mistaken for a sultry look or attitude? Ha!:) And that's what I'm going with!
DISCLAIMER: My writing is based on generalizations and assumptions of the ladies I observed. The statements included are solely my opinion. And I should say the friend of mine who got me involved in this event is a model who is a classy individual in every aspect. Thanks for the friendship and experience Sahsha!;)

To Put it Lightly

I feel like I'm always logging in here and writing about serious or heavy topics. And during the holiday rush I would rather be happy and write about something to take my mind as well as yours off of the stress the season can sometimes bring. So I just sat here, fingers poised over the keys of my keyboard, for at least 10 minutes trying to think of a lighter subject, maybe even with a humorous flare. Nothing came to me. In case you couldn't tell from my writing in this blog, I actually do like to be silly and have a decent sense of humor. BUT when it comes to writing somehow it evades me! RaWr!!:) Since I have no "lighter" subject inspiration I decided to write about my lack of ability to write humorously. And the irony of it all is that, tongue in cheek, this might be ridiculous and funny in itself?? :)

Wanted:
Topics that are lively and entertaining, humorous, strange, etc. Challenge me, send them my way and see if I do them artistic justice.

Having Myself

"I feel like I got myself back. I may never have even had myself - but I do now."

I stole this quote from an article I read last month in a magazine. It perfectly articulates a lot of things I have wrestled with. About a year ago I looked at my life in a surreal way and as blessed as I was and am I knew there was more to me than what I had achieved. I felt I had cheated myself out of some of the dreams I had. And I started to look for reasons why and who was standing in my way. I found out the hard way that the only person standing in my way was me!

I feel like we're raised to look for the "happily ever after". It's in every book you read as you grow up, in all the romantic comedies we watch, it's a subliminal message that permeates our culture. And in pursuit of that "happily ever after" I think we sometimes forget what makes us truly happy. It's the journey that brings us to the ending, the "happy place" we are all seeking. As a writer my story endings are short and sweet. They wrap things up and that's it. The meat of the story is the important part, the details, the conflict, the struggle, the characterization, the pursuit that brings you to the sweet conclusion...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that a year later I've learned a lot of tough things about how we get to "happily ever after", or just to be happy. If you get there at all it has a lot to do with you, with me. Your own happiness starts in your heart. It's not a set of circumstances or the right Mr. or Ms. It's not something out there waiting to be found. I'm still working on that and think I will be for awhile but at least I've unlocked a piece of the mystery.

Happy Holiday Season to you! MUCH love!! XO