Wrappin' 2008 Up...

Wow, so 2008 is gone in 10 hours +/-! I wish I had an eloquent flow of words to sum up my year and wrap it up with a bow. I don't though and it's probably appropriate given the scope of it all :). Probably the best way to summarize is to just re-list my Life Lessons from the year in consecutive order. I think you'll see as I did, that I've grown up a lot, especially in the last quarter of '08. I hope to continue my list in '09. Life is indeed learning.

Happy New Year to all of you. And my love too!;)

My Life Lessons of 2008

1. The consumption of alcohol cannot be sustained over a 7 hour period without consequences, (you'd think I would have learned that before now - maybe its just a lesson we have to re-learn from time to time).

2. Don't let my neighbor Ed mix you a drink - pretty much EVER! I was warned and I didn't listen to the warning. My bad.

3. Grace and forgiveness given where it is undeserved can be more cleansing and painful than the judgement and punishment we think we deserve.

4. When you suck at life (like I do now) don't abort the process of healing. Things never go away, and you'll deal with it eventually.

5. There is no substitute for time. It heals much and is a true revealer. If ever you are unsure, unsettled, a mess, a tragedy or even needing a change, give it time.

6. Life is learning! This perhaps should be #1 in my list:)...

7. Your life, my life, our lives are impacting other people in ways we will never know...Which means you don't have to be successful to be influential. Make the most of the people and the moments in life.

8. Don't be too cowardly to accept responsibility for actions and liabilities. It makes us better people in the end.

9. I am gullible! All the writing jobs I got so excited about and even blogged about turned out to be SCAMS! Three in a row. I figured I had nothing to loose by applying and following the application processes through. Nothing to loose perhaps but a scosh of pride. However despite the scammers I do believe I am a bit better for the experience. And I do have an authentic opportunity on the fire I will be keeping quieter until it transpires (if it does).

10. It's okay to make mistakes - even major ones - if you allow the mistakes to make you. In other, way overused terminology freakin' learn from them. You'd think I'd have learned this one by now, but this year it was amplified. :)

11. Until you find yourself and know who you are and where you are going, you'll never be able to lead any other. Simple in concept, profound in life experience.

12. It's okay to be self-centered in moderation. If you don't take care of yourself how can you authentically give to others for any sustainable amount of time?

13. Friends are proven and/or fail in times of struggle and faltering. The results of a true test of friendship will unceasingly surprise you.

14. Don't give up on a difficult time or process. Never give up. It's always worth the fight, victory and even defeat.

Take it or Leave it, Earn it AND Spend it!

In my life, I've long held close the belief that money can be earned and spent but time - you can never get it back. You can only spend it once. And though I've believed this for more of my life than not, I haven't lived it fully yet. Life and time are precious commodities! I want to spend them living and breathing in the moments and making the memories. That is all I can take with me and that is all I can leave behind me!

I've stood on the threshold of change this year. And I stood there for way to long. Looking out over what I could do, what I might do, should I do it? And just before 2009 hits I'm ready to change, to take that first step forward. It took understanding myself, what I believe of purpose, people, destiny vs. fate, life... I absolutely don't understand it all BUT I'm ready to spend now in the dance of it all. I'm ready to learn and grow. I know who I am and where I want to go. I'm excited for once to be me! To live on purpose. To go take what I know and believe to be my dreams and intents. Even more exciting still will be the experiences and the people and the love and trial I will find in the interim of it all.

"Cherish your yesterday's; dream your tomorrows, but live your today's!"

In the Midst of Beautiful Chaos

This weekend I was part of a holiday fashion show. It was my first time modeling on the runway and I was pretty sure I didn't measure up. From the minute I walked into the open casting call two weeks previous to the show I felt less than typical as a model. It was insane how quickly my mind focused on and emphasized my physical features and inadequacies. In a healthy sense I have no problem with this to a point because I believe it is important to take care of our bodies. But there is a line and I definitely crossed it. When I found out I was in the show I really started going mentally crazy wondering how I could drop 5 pounds in a week by starvation or any method possible. My competitive nature came out and I focused on getting my body ready to compete with the other skinnier models hitting the catwalk with me. I even considered giving up my addiction to Starbucks!! But only for a second.

When I arrived at the venue on Saturday I was nervous. My rapid weight loss strategy had simply failed because I like food and Starbucks too much!:) My nerves worsened as the other models started showing up. I felt like they easily showed me up!! For the first part of the evening that preceded the show, I considered leaving, not lining up, etc. But finally decided to follow through with my commitment and face my fear. I faded into the background while the photographers snapped all the beauties in action. Everyone seemed more interested in where the photographers were and being in the shot with the "VIP's" than in anything else. As I observed the other ladies it was easy to see they had put much emphasis on developing and maintaining their exterior beauty. However the level of alcohol consumption steadily increased as the minutes ticked down to show time which made me wonder if perhaps some of these girls also had hidden insecurities with themselves.

When we finally lined up to strut our stuff on stage (two hours late!) I still wasn't feeling super confident. I was ready to get it over with but worried about being the fool of the show. And then it happened. One of the experienced models stumbled off stage almost falling. And she wasn't the last one that did so. That's when it hit me. A piece of knowledge conveniently misplaced in the midst of beautiful chaos. I knew who I was...and whether beauty showed up on the outside or not I have spent much time developing it on the inside. I could confidently do this with the inner poise I have developed over the years. With that in mind I stepped on the stage and struck my first of three poses. By the grace of God, someone caught a good shot!! And while a look of trepidation still lingers in my eyes I think in the modeling world that can be mistaken for a sultry look or attitude? Ha!:) And that's what I'm going with!
DISCLAIMER: My writing is based on generalizations and assumptions of the ladies I observed. The statements included are solely my opinion. And I should say the friend of mine who got me involved in this event is a model who is a classy individual in every aspect. Thanks for the friendship and experience Sahsha!;)

To Put it Lightly

I feel like I'm always logging in here and writing about serious or heavy topics. And during the holiday rush I would rather be happy and write about something to take my mind as well as yours off of the stress the season can sometimes bring. So I just sat here, fingers poised over the keys of my keyboard, for at least 10 minutes trying to think of a lighter subject, maybe even with a humorous flare. Nothing came to me. In case you couldn't tell from my writing in this blog, I actually do like to be silly and have a decent sense of humor. BUT when it comes to writing somehow it evades me! RaWr!!:) Since I have no "lighter" subject inspiration I decided to write about my lack of ability to write humorously. And the irony of it all is that, tongue in cheek, this might be ridiculous and funny in itself?? :)

Wanted:
Topics that are lively and entertaining, humorous, strange, etc. Challenge me, send them my way and see if I do them artistic justice.

Having Myself

"I feel like I got myself back. I may never have even had myself - but I do now."

I stole this quote from an article I read last month in a magazine. It perfectly articulates a lot of things I have wrestled with. About a year ago I looked at my life in a surreal way and as blessed as I was and am I knew there was more to me than what I had achieved. I felt I had cheated myself out of some of the dreams I had. And I started to look for reasons why and who was standing in my way. I found out the hard way that the only person standing in my way was me!

I feel like we're raised to look for the "happily ever after". It's in every book you read as you grow up, in all the romantic comedies we watch, it's a subliminal message that permeates our culture. And in pursuit of that "happily ever after" I think we sometimes forget what makes us truly happy. It's the journey that brings us to the ending, the "happy place" we are all seeking. As a writer my story endings are short and sweet. They wrap things up and that's it. The meat of the story is the important part, the details, the conflict, the struggle, the characterization, the pursuit that brings you to the sweet conclusion...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that a year later I've learned a lot of tough things about how we get to "happily ever after", or just to be happy. If you get there at all it has a lot to do with you, with me. Your own happiness starts in your heart. It's not a set of circumstances or the right Mr. or Ms. It's not something out there waiting to be found. I'm still working on that and think I will be for awhile but at least I've unlocked a piece of the mystery.

Happy Holiday Season to you! MUCH love!! XO

Simple In Concept, Profound In Life Experience

At the beginning of this year I decided to keep a running list of the "life lessons" I learned in 2008. I have posted them throughout the year in this blog as I have realized them. To catch up and review my list to date click on the following posts:

8 Days In
To Be a Waitress and Other Updates
Still Making My List

Here's a few more...

9. I am gullible! All the writing jobs I got so excited about and even blogged about turned out to be SCAMS! Three in a row. I figured I had nothing to loose by applying and following the application processes through. Nothing to loose perhaps but a scosh of pride. However despite the scammers I do believe I am a bit better for the experience. And I do have an authentic opportunity on the fire I will be keeping quieter until it transpires (if it does).

10. It's okay to make mistakes - even major ones - if you allow the mistakes to make you. In other, way overused terminology freakin' learn from them. You'd think I'd have learned this one by now, but this year it was amplified. :)

11. Until you find yourself and know who you are and where you are going, you'll never be able to lead any other. Simple in concept, profound in life experience.

12. It's okay to be self-centered in moderation. If you don't take care of yourself how can you authentically give to others for any sustainable amount of time?

13. Friends are proven and/or fail in times of struggle and faultering. The results of a true test of friendship will unceasingly surprise you.

14. Don't give up on a difficult time or process. Never give up. It's always worth the fight, victory and even defeat.

Sending my cyber love to you all. Until next time...

Shadows

Being misunderstood is not a great feeling. Worse still is not being able to articulate a defense for the misunderstanding. There seems to always be a balance between the perception and the reality of things in life...the shades of grey perhaps. The things that can't be defined by words but only felt in the heart and soul. What I've learned is that sometimes you have to leave those shadows as undefined and walk on. Not everyone will understand even if you could find the words.

The Latest...

Updates! Unfortunately I don't have much to update on the writing front. I turned in both applications for the jobs I was after and I have heard...NOTHING! Boo :(! One of the jobs I was applying for had at least 70 other qualified applicants so I wasn't holding my breath. That is tough competition. However for the music blog I was only up against about 20 or so others. I returned my portion of the application/assignment last Tuesday and I expect to hear something this week if it is a yes...Otherwise, back to the drawing board. I still have a few more writing projects firing so all opportunity is not lost:).

As far as The Denver Marathon goes, it is gone and it went well! Our relay team competed in the ING portion of the Marathon a week ago Sunday. I'm pleased to report I did accomplish my goal of running 9 miles at a pretty decent speed. I completed my leg in exactly 9 minute miles on average. The first 3 miles were faster than that but obviously I didn't maintain my opening pace. I felt good during the race and I am contemplating a half marathon in the not too distant future...I am not sure why:)! As a whole our relay team did SUPA in the marathon and we all managed to run as well or faster than we'd hoped! Our team results were above average but most importantly we had a lot of FUN!! Thanks Alana, Eric, Andrew and Whitney!!

That's it for now. I will check back in with another blog later this week. Happy Monday!

Controversy!

And I love it...The controversy that is. I changed one simple letter in my name and it has sparked a reaction. Marion/Marian is a gender neutral name like Taylor or Shawn/Sean, etc. My parents chose to spell my name the way my Grandmother spelled hers (whom I am named after). Technically speaking Marion spelled with the "on" is the male spelling and the "an" is the female version. I am girly and like pretty much all things girl, like pink, high heels, dressing up...So why not use the "pink" version of my name? I'm not changing it afterall:).

I've debated changing the spelling off an on throughout my life but have never done anything about it. I looked into changing it legally this year and decided against it purely for monetary and laziness reasons (i.e. filling out the paperwork, filing it, or paying someone twice or three times as much to do it for me). But since the phase hasn't passed I decided to adopt the alias a week or so ago. Just for fun...Just to see how it went and if anyone would notice. I changed the spelling of my name on my Myspace and Facebook pages as well as on my email signatures.

To my surprise the people that have noticed and been brave enough to speak up haven't liked the new spelling urging me to stick with tradition. I am amused and enjoy the feedback. It's only a simple letter, a vowel change to be specific, and it has sparked such a strong response.

So tell me...if you dare, what do you think? Marion or Marian?

P.S. (Thanks to all of you who responded to my previous blog by email or comment. I recieved some great ideas and input. I hope to incorporate most, if not all of it should I get the position. I have narrowed my topic and will turn in the writing assignment which is the next step of the application process by Monday. Updates to follow soon.)

Enjoy your weekend and wish me luck in mine. Nine miles to conquer with my running on Sunday!

XO

Taking Suggestions...Now :)

If you recall back in August I wrote a blog entitled "Busting Through"...? I have been somewhat relentless in that area when it comes to my writing career. In the last few months I've been chasing down leads and responding to every job ad I feel qualified for. If nothing else has come of this crazy year it is that I have definitely found my niche creatively...I am a writer and I will not stop until I get paid to do what I love;). And at that, I'm not even sure I care if I get paid monetarily as long my writing manages to reach people and/or impacts my immediate world.

SO, to the updates. In the last week I've gotten two opportunities to interview for paid writing positions. One is for a new local magazine in the works and the other is for a new, upcoming music site that is hiring bloggers. Which is where I thought you might come in handy. I am in need of a "musical" topic to blog about. The emphasis is that I write about anything under the category of "music" but I do have to have a specific topic I can blog about weekly for 4-5 months at least. The topic has to be specific enough to write intelligently about but broad enough to write about for a wide range of time. In addition I need to somehow tie that topic back into the Colorado music scene. I have to submit an outline of my first six blogs by next Tuesday, at which point they will choose the top 3 writers out of 20 some. I want to be one of them.

So here's my request...Send me topic ideas! I do have in mind a general direction I want to head in but I also want to find out what you would enjoy reading. Since I already have a small audience here it would be great to hear your feedback and generate some interest in this new site should I get hired. Of course keep in mind I need your ideas ASAP since I have to get my outline together this week. You can either respond here by commenting or email me at: marion@2ncivil.com.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon! I will most definitely keep you posted on the results of both of these writing opportunities.

Ever So Close

Just thought I would post a few quick updates. Back in August I posted a blog about the relay team I was putting together to run in the Denver Marathon on October 19th. The race is now less than 2 weeks away and our team is still solid and training. I might add our team is comprised of some of my FAVORITE people of all time, including two of my lifer BFF's and my original tequila buddy (shots after the race Andrew?)!!

Since I put the team together I ended up being the runner that opted to take on...err by default got stuck with the 9.1 mile leg. Ha;)! I'm winding down one of my best running seasons to date, so this was a good challenge for me to tackle. However, over the course of my short running career, this is a distance I've been unable to attain in a race setting due to various over use and over training injuries. Training for the Denver Marathon has affirmed in my mind that I like shorter distances much (let me emphasize) MUCH better than longer ones. I've run over 15 miles total each week for the last several weeks with my longest run per week topping out at 7 miles. This week I'm up to 17 miles for the week and my long run will be 8 miles. I've managed to keep my body and muscles semi-healthy this time so it looks like the 9 miles is just within my grasp - quick find me some wood to knock on:). I'm slower at this distance than my competitive nature would like to be but at least I anticipate accomplishing this 9.1 mile long goal. Wish me luck!

Other updates...Ugh...Boo. I wish I had more good news for you. Send some sunshine, cheer and easier days my way. Aside from a healthy running season there aren't many good things going on here. But I continue to smile and believe with all the hope and joy that remains in me, each day brings me one day closer to a breakthrough. Just as each step during my runs brings me one stride closer to my 9 mile goal...And that seems to be enough to keep me going strong.

Hope you are all well. Thanks for popping in...

XO

Life's Crossroads

Sometimes even the most carefully laid out plans in life bring you to crossroads you never anticipated. You can make all the right choices and be all the right things for your whole life...You can even accomplish goals in timely accurate steps. And then the curve ball of life knocks you down. And it hits you so hard when you get up you're entirely disoriented and don't know which direction to go...Or even if the one you were headed in was the right one. Were the decisions you made earlier the right ones? Are the decisions you're facing now the wrong ones? And the paradox of it all is that you bring yourself to these crossroads by the choices you made one at a time.

The Evolution of Dance

I though this video was worthy of passing along. Hope you enjoy it:).




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

A Happy Little Riddle ha:)

I'm not really a riddle solver but I think I have one we all want to get our arms around...Happiness!! Isn't it something we're all chasing and something that seems to elude so many of us? I'm not so sure "happiness" is a set of circumstances or emotions that magically lines up and makes us complete. Admittedly there are temporary pleasures and things that make us feel happy for a moment, but those things (i.e. chocolate cake in my case, or the colors changing on the trees in the fall) are not sustainable. They're temporary and seasonal.

Maybe true happiness that lasts is more getting to your core and finding your way in this life. I believe we can control the temperature of our lives. Hot and happy or cold and whatever else you may think your life is right now, to every temperature in between.

Someone told me last week to make myself happy and the rest would fall into place. And though I appreciate that train of thought, I think that I need to choose to be happy no matter what does or doesn't fall into place. A deep inner contentment that comes from knowing the heart of life is good and enjoying and experiencing it fully comes pretty darn close to happiness for me.

A Nation Divided?

What bugs me about politics and this country right now is that we are NOT "One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all". Right now in the midst of a Presidential election I would venture boldly to say we are one nation divisible and very much divided. The democrats vs. the republicans…The McCainers vs. the Obama’s. I realize that as a responsible American I have the right and the privilege to vote for many things including one man or woman that I choose to represent me as President of my country. I just wish that during a campaign season I didn’t have to be pitted against my friends, neighbors and countrymen for my decision….

In my ideal America I wouldn’t have to watch political parties pit themselves against each other and throw out nasty comments and slanderous insults to the opposing party; but instead raise intelligent and respectful debates and arguments on differing opinions. In my America the President that is currently serving my country is deserving of respect and honor regardless of whether that is who I voted for or not…Yes we’ve been given a brain and a voice and a country that gives us the right to express our thoughts, however; were we given the right to disrespect our fellow countrymen who see life with different perspectives and influences?

So do engage your brain. Please do...Do the research and know what and who you are voting for and definitely WHY. But then, if you must, respectfully defend your position with honor and dignity. I think we would be better served by our public officials if we weren’t encouraged to get into heated, slanderous arguments against each other to defend who we are supporting. If we were allowed to focus on the issues and policies instead of being forced to research what is truth and what is propaganda. We would be better served by intelligent and respectful individuals who set the standard of conduct not by who could deal the lowest blow, with the most convincing and charismatic speech; but by who could respectfully lead a people of various and differing views. Don't you see, all this division distracts us from the real leaders and the real issues??

Just my thoughts...And the good news is, you're not only entitled to express your own but entrusted with the right to do so...:)

Ponder This....

So I've been thinking about something... Are the things we pass judgement on others about the very things we consciously or subconsciously fear we are susceptible to? Is our human nature attempting to deflect judgement from ourselves in a perceived area of weakness?

Let me give you an example. Integrity or the lack there of in anyone who holds a leadership position whether it be the President of our nation or a Pastor at a local church... Taboo? Socially unacceptable? Yes, yet it happens around us to some level or another all the time. Talk to just about anyone about their Boss, Senator, Governor...friend and they can probably eagerly identify a character flaw, weakness or failing.

Why do we do that, because we all do? Is our judgement truly based in a thought out standard or moral value? Is it because we've been taught it's wrong? OR is it because we sense a weakness in our own character that makes us prone to that type of behavior? Get past the pre-programed "that's just wrong" to the why?

So, what do you think...? Is our judgement of others a shield we use to deflect judgement on ourselves?

Happy pondering:)!

And Life Goes On...

I attended a wedding this weekend which lead me to add another life lesson to my growing list this year. This particular bride and groom planned their wedding and reception outside, which in August, in Colorado is a relatively safe bet. Of course, this is Colorado and true to form their wedding day happened to fall on the ONLY weekend all summer that brought us a massive rain storm (which I might add lasted all weekend). On the morning of the wedding day they had to find a new venue and relocate the ceremony indoors, in addition to calling all of the RSVP'd guests with the update. They couldn't however, find a location for the reception so it remained outdoors. I felt really bad for the bride, having been one myself once. I just thought of how disappointed I would be having to make adjustments to a day that I literally dreamt about for years. But the bride actually showed great poise in the midst of it.

And in all my observation and pondering I unearthed a life lesson. Life is so unpredictable, even when we carefully lay solid plans in advance. Sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't. But in the end we take what life throws at us and we make it work. And that is what I like to call reality. Life Lesson #9 of 2008 for me.

And speaking of reality...It seems like just yesterday I was adjusting to the rigors of being a parent. I remember thinking one morning after many sleepless nights that I wasn't going to make it. I was going to be a flunky of the first order as a mom. At that particular moment 5 years and school were an eternity away from me until today... Five years later and I'm walking away from my daughters first full day at Kindergarten. I'm not sure how it's possible that I made it from that moment to this one but day by day we took life, made adjustments and along the way she grew up...I'd like to think I'm passing through parenthood now not flunking:).

And life goes on...

Busting Through

When one door closes often a window is opened up, right? Last week I felt like every door I knocked on slammed in my face the moment it opened a crack. I really couldn't get my foot in any where and to make matters worse I couldn't find any windows either. Believe me, I tried. I'm not one to roll over and accept a "no". I definitely started to feel sorry for myself by about Thursday of last week and I didn't pull my head out til I went to bed on Saturday and was so frustrated that I couldn't sleep which inevitably left me to my own thoughts. Danga! But this time my self-pitiful, irritating thoughts led me to a window that I think might be opening for me and if it's not I'm busting it open and going through any way:).

I have spent this year to date "Unraveling" as I put it in a February post. I've been tearing my life apart to try to get to the core of who I am and what I'm supposed to do with that. By that I mean I've been trying to figure out how to use the talent I have and what I enjoy doing to make a contribution in my world. It is my deep desire to use what I've been given to better this world.

I feel like so few of us take the time to evaluate ourselves and the skill sets we've been given. That usually goes hand in hand with something we enjoy doing. Along with that not many of us enjoy the profession we work in, but we keep going back to it for the paycheck. And before we know it life and time get away from us and we never conquer let alone tackle the dreams we have inside. I decided in December of '07 not to live like that anymore and this process hasn't been easy but I think I'm finally getting somewhere.

I'm not going to make this an eternal blog and tell you all that I've uncovered but I am going to try and start blogging more often and I'm sure it will leak out in later posts:). For now I want to challenge you to do what I did. Start to think about your position in life. Ask yourself questions like, are you happy? Are you where you wanted to be or are you headed in that general direction? What do you enjoy? What are you good at? How can you use that? I know those are a lot of heavy, soul-searching questions but I want to challenge you to get to your core...Know who you are, why you're here, WHAT you believe and WHY...And what you can do with all that! Take your brain off of cruise through this life control...And think:).

I believe with passion that we can all leave a mark in our immediate world and I'm determined to do just that. Starting right here with my writing to you in blog format...

P.S. (I'm going to try to syndicate my blog through Bust A Blog: http://themissinglink.bustablog.com/ so hit me, hit them and send your friends if you find my entries of interest and relevance. Thanks:)!)

Taking One For the Team??

I'm putting together a relay team to run in the Denver Marathon in October. I'm excited about training with a small group of people and DEFINITELY needed the fitness goal to keep me motivated this summer, especially in our 100° + heat lately...BUT here's the problem. There are four legs in this relay they range in distance from 4 to 9 miles. When I looked into signing a team up I assumed I'd find a runner who wanted to do the 9 mile leg and the rest of us would just fight over the shorter distances. After all there are tons of people out there training for and running in marathons, so what's 9 miles to them? Yeah, um, not so much. Looks like Team Captain, Marion gets to run the 9 mile leg:)! At first I was resistant to the challenge because I know my distances and my personal performance goals. I do run my best races at the 5k (3.1 mile) and 5 mile distances. But this 9 mile challenge is kinda growing on me. I'm not going to set any PR's running this distance but I will be completing something I never have done before which will be rewarding. I'm sure the training won't be easy and I'm sure I'm going to get whiny about it from time to time, but overall I am excited to tackle this challenge. And having a fitness goal that will keep me motivated right up to the beginning of the Holiday season is a plus... Then I can rest...At least for a few months:).





XO

JG8D69D

Contradictions

I've been posed with a moral and societal dilemma this week. If you think about human nature we are taught two contradicting values. One is to believe in the human spirit and the other is to not trust just anyone easily (especially as a female). Isn't believing in the human spirit trusting that our overall intentions are for the best?

With that in mind, the other night I was out with some of my friends and we met this couple. They seemed nice enough so we gave them some time and attention. A couple of days later they got a hold of us and invited us out for a day at the lake on their boat. I want to trust that their intentions are right but at the same time I have red flags not to trust them. I just met them - I literally know nothing about them. So of course we declined the invitation but that led me to this question. Were they really just being genuine and generous, or was their intent selfish and malicious? I'll never know but it is interesting that these two values are widely accepted and completely in conflict with each other...

Perhaps I'm over analyzing this situation...BUT when it comes down to it I don't think I'm over analyzing the values we are taught to accept...

AND I'll leave you with that for now!! ;)

XO

Catching Up

I've noticed lately that life and time seem to be slipping away from me faster than I can comprehend. It happens almost every summer but each year it seems to slip by faster than the previous one. So much has happened in the last month I thought I would sit down and jot out some of the highlights.

Megan turned 5 and I officially decided that though she may be getting older I am not!!

I took a 4 day trip to Las Vegas with Eric that was relaxing and expensive, but overall necessary and fun.

Over the 4th of July weekend I decided less than 24 hours before the start of a 5k race to run in it...Not to overstate the obvious but I wasn't mentally prepared for this race nor was I adequately trained to run and somehow, surprisingly finished first place in my age group (Female 20-29) and ran close to a personal record time wise.

I turned in my 2 weeks notice at Hacienda Colorado for many reasons and I'm now gamefully unemployed...AND actively looking again. Send me your hook-ups if you have any:).

Those are just the highlights, but with that said and done the summer is already half way over, I'm less than 6 months away from turning 30 and trying desperately to figure out how to stop the hands of time!:) Any suggestions...?

XO

Simply...SIMPLE:)

Hey, it's me! Remember I used to blog every once in awhile:)... Haha!:) And it has been a long while since I've actually sat down and typed out my thoughts for a blog. Honestly, it's hard for me to blog right now. I have so much going on and so little of it I want to publish on the internet...

I am sooo soo tired lately. Can you tell? Sleep and I have been missing each other and it effects me more than I'd like to admit. I put up a tough exterior, smile, act like I'm totally fine. But all you have to do is listen to me talk or blog and you can tell. Lil' goofy. Not all the cylinders are firing:). Okay, sorry. Here goes. I am going to attempt a blog.

Since life is a little challenging these days I'm really going back to the simple things to get me through. The friendships that are there to sustain me without judgement regardless of what I say and/or do. The sunshine that warms my heart and my house. The house that protects me when the sun isn't shining. The smile that I can still give authentically in the midst of stress and chaos. The love that I have in my life that remains even when I don't deserve it. The love that I have for other people that keeps me going and giving and believing. The sight that I've been blessed with physically and figuratively to see the beauty and the not so beautiful things in life. And the hope I carry inside; today I am one day closer to a breakthrough than I was yesterday. And each day I am getting closer, progressing.

It's really the simple things we take for granted when times are good that sustain us when times are hard. For me, right now...It's just that simple.

I Was Tagged!

I was caught in a game of cyber tag and didn't dodge the bullet...So I'm it - here goes...

Someone Said I Had To - - -
Participate in a game of tag.

Four Jobs I've Held
1) Administrative/Marketing Assistant for High Country Engineering and now 2N Civil. Really one of my most interesting jobs, not only because I learned a lot about civil development but also because I got to work with lots of guys (engineers, and contractors) and I tried to learn about them too! :)

2) Hygeine Coordinator for Anderson and Heim DDS. Not one of my fav. positions but I learned a lot about dental health and maintenance. You only get one set of teeth as an adult and believe you me it is worth taking care of them! I mostly scheduled, and confirmed appointments but towards the end they let me assist in easy dental procedures. That part was cool! There was also A LOT of drama at this job!

3) Church Secretary for a church I will not name reasoning being it is better left unpublished on the net. This started out being a great job for me with incredible hours and great pay...But when it came down to it I had more integrity than the people that ran the church and it didn't end well! If you want the full story and have some time ask me.

4) Waitress at Hacienda Colorado. This is my most recent position and so far I'm likin' it. I NEVER saw myself doing something like this as I've had a fear of carrying drinks on a tray for as long as I can remember. No dropped trays or spilled drinks yet (knock on wood) and I'm good at working the peops. It's fun! Come see me!

Four Movies I Could Watch Over and Over
I'm not much of a movie watcher so I'm not sure I could watch any of these over and over again but here are my favs. that I do watch every so often:)!
1) Strange Brew - great 80's comedy:)
2) The Notebook - cheesey? yes, amazing love story? yes:)
3) Sweet Home Alabama - see above - what can I say I'm a chick
4) Hotel Rwanda - just a must see and a must remember so history doesn't repeat itself but I believe it already has in Africa:(

Four Places I've Lived
They are all in Colorado - very unexciting but here goes:)...
1) Basalt, CO - lived there til I was 8 or 9
2) Carbondale, CO - was there til I was 14
3) Glenwood Springs, CO - born there and finally lived there, it's the place I truly consider my hometown
4) Denver, CO - or the burbs specifically known as Highlands Ranch (where I reside now).

Four TV Shows I Like
Oh do I have to admit this;)
1) Survivor
2) Biggest Loser
3) Men In Trees
4) The Deadliest Catch

Four Favorite Foods
1) Potatoes - baked, fried, mashed, cakes YUM!!
2) Italian
3) Chocolate Cake - moist, warm and rich
4) Chicken fried steak or chicken

Four Places I'd Like to Be
1) The Beach in Hawaii
2) The Oregon Coast
3) San Diego - LOVE that city!
4) Alaska - but only in their summer season and only for a vacation type thing

Four People I Tag
Oh look out I'm gonna getcha...! :)
1) Alana!! Cause I love ya!
2) Terry - Have you ever blogged? I challenge you:)!
3) Sarah - You're always down for a fun game of tag:)!
4) Billy - cause I'm sure you could make a blog like this exceptionally entertaining!

Still Making My List

For those of you who just started reading my blog, this particular blog is a running list I am keeping this year of the things I have learned. To see the list in its entirety click on the links below:

8 Days In
To Be a Waitress and Other Updates

This is simply the continuation of that list. Love to all of you!

XO

Life Lessons of 2008 Continued...

#6 Life is learning! This perhaps should be #1 in my list:)...

#7 Your life, my life, our lives are impacting other people in ways we will never know...Which means you don't have to be successful to be influential. Make the most of the people and the moments in life.

#8 Don't be too cowardly to accept responsibility for actions and liabilities. It makes us better people in the end.

Eye On The Prize Dude!

Isn't it usually true that anything of value to us is worth fighting for? I've been thinking some about that question the last couple of days. What is important to me? What is worth fighting for, fighting against and what isn't worth it? I'm trying to reorganize my values and prioritize my life again so I don't really have the answer(s) to this question yet...Generally I know where I want to go but not specifically. How much time and energy have I spent and wasted on things that are really unimportant or trivial? What have I fought for that was really not worth the fight? How long have I been spinning my wheels - looking in the direction of my destination but in actuality not going any where?

To Be A Waitress and Other Updates...

So, I got a job! And it's not exactly the job I wanted or was looking for but I'm digging it so far. I started working for a local restaurant this week. They will be opening a new store in a new location in May and I am getting trained now to be one of the opening staff members for that store. Technically I was hired to be a "Cocktailer" but right now they are running me through the waitress, or what they call, "Sales Staff" training. I feel like I'm back in school again. I'm studying menus, abbreviations and codes, sauces, ingredients, etc. Since I have no experience in restaurant work its all very new and entertaining to me. I'm thoroughly enjoying the people I am meeting at work and that come in to dine. Most of them kind of crack me up!

But any way, I'm taking the long way around to saying that I'm sorry I've dropped off the social planet this week. I've been loosing my mind to a restaurant. I'll be back and hopefully will have more fun things to write about as a result of this change.

Love to you all...

Life Lesson update for 2008
(You can find the initial list under a post in January entitled "8 Days In"

#5 There is no substitute for time. It heals much and is a true revealer. If ever you are unsure, unsettled, a mess, a tragedy or even needing a change, give it time.

A Piece of Peace?

The more I understand about the human brain and our actions and reactions to our psyschi, the more I think Psychology 101 should be a required course in all High Schools and Colleges. Maybe if we took a little more time to understand our subconscious and the whys behind what we do, we would better contain our decisions and emotions that sometimes run recklessly and thoughtlessly through life. I know I have learned a lot about myself in the last few weeks simply by taking time to evaluate this side of me. And that makes me think that everyone could stand to gain a little insight to thier psychi...It just might make your immediate world a better place to live in...?

What You Know...

A basic element of writing is to write what you know. And as simple as that sounds it can be paradoxal to a someone trying to get the story out of their head into words on a page. I don't consider myself an established writer yet but writing is something I do often for mental release and relief. Because of this I write here what I know to be true for me. Some are momentary truths and some are timeless... Just like a song writer writes music and lyrics that usually in some way tie to their life experiences; writers write words, essays, stories, etc. that relate to their lives or the "characters" they know from the relationships they are in.

This realization kind of ties together with my previous post on honesty. It might be somewhat shocking to open my blog sometimes and be surprised by the honesty therein. I am sharing my experiences here...And yes, I probably should take caution with what I publish online but I think I've come to terms with the fact that you might find out more about me with this approach...And I assure you it will be authentic. Like an artist I am painting my colorful often raw thoughts on this canvas:). The picture may not always be a work of art but it will be my own creation:).

I'm not sure all of this will really make sense to you, but it was good for me to put the pieces together:). I thought I would share it in light of the honestly blog I posted the other day.

I hope you are all enjoying your weekend!! Happy St. Patty's Day from a red headed irish girl:)!

XO

Can You Handle It

I've always been a person who believed strongly in honesty. Of late I have been questioning and re-evaluating my stand on this moral topic...Because I have believed in being honest and living in transparency per se I have been more honest at times than I think people can handle. Just some of the reactions I've received to my blogs lately have surprised me...It seems if you aren't honest people speculate, if you are, people speculate:). And so that leads me to the question so popularly phrased by an old movie, "Can you handle the truth?" or would you rather believe your perceptions of me? Am I better off letting you believe what you want of me or being open and honest leaving myself raw and open for you to read?

They say you can never get behind the view of another and see things exactly as that person sees them. I believe this is because we have all been created uniquely as individuals and therefore we all process life differently. I know it is human nature and we all, no matter how hard we try, look in from the outside of so many things and draw our own conclusions. I do it as much as the next person so...I guess I'm really just musing and wondering at us as humans.

XO

Unraveling

If our life is a tapestry of fabric that we weave in and out of and weave our lives together on...How do you find individuality on that tapestry? It's not impossible to get things right the first time but it is rare. So is it necessary to unravel some of the fabric to find a unique and individual path? I think it can be...

The best comparison I have for this analogy was when I learned to knit. I started with a basic stitch and a simple scarf. I pulled that dumb thing apart I don't know how many times before I got it right and the stitching consistant. I still made mistakes along the way but for the most part I got it right...AND I finished what I started.

This unraveling that you may see in me isn't necessarily unhealthy though if it effects you it may be painful and scary to watch. It's painful for me too...But I can't re-do until I un-do. And I can't get it right if I don't pull things apart. I may make mistakes on the way to putting my life back together but I will finish this. Be patient:).

I hope that makes sense.

Checking Back Into Reality

I made it home and I've checked back into reality:). A snowy reality by tonight!! I'm still trying to digest everything that I experienced over the last seven days. But when I have something worth writing about I will update you:). I'd like to think of my time away as only a beginning to some much needed change in my life. Be patient with me and I'll get things figured out:)...

Bittersweet...

Last day...Didn't really know if I would post a blog today but here I am. I have to say the reality of going back to reality is bittersweet... I won't lie to you - the lazy lifestyle I've enjoyed the past 7 days has spoiled me in some ways:). But I do miss all of you and your daily love...I've been lonely the last two days which I kind of wanted to be:)...It was good for me because it does make me appreciate what I have to come home to...I missed so much having people around who know me and trust me and love me. I missed getting hugs, hearing your voices everyday. I watched people and their relationships the last few days and it made me understand what I have at home. So often we take for granted being known and knowing one another...It is something I, personally, need to survive. This trip has done me a world of good and there are definitely things here I will miss but my heart is in Colorado...And that is enough for me...

I LOVE you and will see you soon.

XO

Breathing

"...Remember what it's like to come into a beautiful place, a garden or a meadow or a quiet beach. There is room for your soul. It expands. You can breathe again. You can rest. It is good. All is well." Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge

So day five and my soul has finally been allowed to breath and I feel it expanding again. I hope I can take that home with me and not close up again...One of the things I have missed while I've been away is being hugged. I usually get a pretty good daily dose of hugs and I woke up this morning and had an ache for a big squeeze! It's something I must take for granted because I didn't anticipate missing it:).

The last two days I've allowed myself the time to lay around, read, write, think, listen and watch people...And its been good for me. I think its opened me up a lot...Hopefully not too little too late since this is my second to last day but I'll take what I can get.

I saw my "big fish" again today while I was on a run. I think they are porpoises after a little thought and the help of Google:)...Because I was closer today I saw them swimming in a group...AND another highlight of the day was that someone besides me took a picture of me:)! YES! I think it was a sympathy shot because as they were walking by and saw me trying to take a pic. of myself they offered. I laughed and let them take it. I'm so excited to have a picture without my arm in it holding up the camera that I'm posting it witht his blog:)! Haha!!

To borrow a quote from one of the comments left yesterday I would say this sums up a lot for me right now...

"Sometimes you have to tear your whole world apart and put it back together to get it right."

It's time to breath and rebuild...

Dreamer's Disease

Sorry I didn't get a blog up yesterday:)...I meant to because when I was running on the beach I heard this song and wanted these lyrics to be the words for the blog. This song expresses some of the things I've been unable to adequately convey about what is going on inside of me... Read and/or listen and you will hear my heart. Sorry if it errs on the cheesey side. You all still love me right?!;)

You Get What You Give
The New Radicals

Wake up kids
We've got the dreamers disease
Age 14 we got you down on your knees
So polite, you're busy still saying please
Frienemies, who when you're down ain't your friend
Every night we smash their mercedes-benz
First we run; and then we laugh till we cry
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find the light
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight
Chorus:
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
You only get what you give
Four a.m. we ran a miracle mile
We're flat broke but hey we do it in style
The bad rich
God's flying in for your trial
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find a friend
You feel your tree is breaking
Just then
(chorus)
This whole damn world can fall apart
You'll be ok, follow your heart
You're in harms way i'm right behind
Now say you're mine
(chorus)
Don't let go
We feel the music in you
Fly high
What's real can't die
You only get what you give
Just don't be afraid to leave
Health insurance rip off lying fda big bankers buying
Fake computer crashes dining
Cloning while they're multiplying
Fashion mag shoots
With the aid of 8 dust brothers, beck hanson
Courtney love, and marilyn manson
You're all fakes
Run to your mansions
Come around
We'll kick your ass in!
Don't let go
One dance left

"Big Fish"

I'm settled in now and much more comfortable with my surroundings and being here:)...I LOVE the change of scenery! It's so different than what I see daily... I saw big fish this a.m. swimming out in the ocean. I say big fish because at first I thought they were the dorsal fins of dolphins but then realized maybe its too cold for dolphins this time of year...I honestly don't know?? So then I thought maybe whales but I really wasn't able to get a good look or know for sure because they were swimming so far out. It did make me happy though to see them in their natural habitat and I'm content to settle my ignorance by calling them "big fish":).

O.k. seriously, to the nitty gritty now...:) One of the reasons I wanted to take this trip was to be alone and take care of myself. I've never had to and/or gotten to do that before and I wanted to know that I could do it...Today I came to peace with the fact that even though I can and may be able to adequately manage life and all that goes with it on my own, it's nice to be taken care of and loved too. Having people in my life that I can trust and who I know do have my back and care about what happens to me or even just care about how I am doing is invaluable...And what made me realize that today was all the love I got from you in phone calls, emails, etc. Thanks:)...

XO

So Far...

I don't really have anything amazing or profound to write today... I LOVE it here in sunny So. California. I love my location. I'm right on the beach. Between the beach and my hotel is the Boardwalk - I guess that is what it is called...But it is all concrete so maybe that isn't technically accurate??

I didn't do much today a little reading, exploring and people watching. I'm feeling ambitious and may go out tonight for a happy hour drink...?? For those of you worrying about my safety, please don't. I have my head screwed on straight and have been very careful and aware of my surroundings :). It may give you peace of mind to know that this strikes me as a very touristy and SAFE location. There are always lots of people around.

I have to say its a little odd to be completely on my own. I haven't quite known what to do with myself since there are no schedules to keep, no demands...It's interesting:). I'm not sure what I think about it yet. Its's been a looonnnggg time since I've only been responsible for myself.

Any way, now I'm rambling so I'll just get to the pix and let you go until tomorrow:).


A view of the sunset from my patio last night






Oh look that's me...I've learned today that I SUCK at self-portraits. We'll see if I can improve over the next few days:)





Found a Fat Burger while exploring and it smelled so good I went in for some fries...Sad to say this is a pic of what I couldn't finish. I guess I need a buddy to share with:(





A common site around here - surfers!







BUSTED with my BFF for this trip...Blogging to you;).

A Beginning

There are some places in life that only you can go - alone. Some people will understand and support that but more than likely most people won't. They will question your motivations and intentions, especially if it is out of your character. It is only human nature to do so. I have personally been on both sides of the coin. Today my soul searching journey begins...Alone...I have removed myself from my familiar surroundings, my friends and my family - my comfort zone. I am hoping to find some uninterrupted clarity of mind here.

I will keep you posted and I will post pictures:)! Attached is the view from my room.

XO

On a Lighter Note

Lately I feel like I've blogged about some heavy topics. It's probably hard to be excited to read my blog when you see titles like "Breakable" and "Love and Pain"...Sorry:)! So on a lighter note I thought I would post a link to a site that made me laugh this week and hopefully will make you at least crack a smile.

Enjoy! XO

You Suck At PhotoShop Tutorials:
My fav. is the second one so if you only have a few minutes to watch - watch that one.

Acceptance

Learning to accept things that we don't like, things we want to change or control can be one of the most ridiculous, self induced fights with oneself that we'll never win. Especially if you are me, a stubborn red head:)...It's not profound, but I realized recently that accepting things I cannot change can be beautiful if I allow it to be...It has brought out in me a raw honesty with myself and others that I feel has had or will have positive results.

To be candid with you I'll admit I've been a mess lately...Wondering how I got to where I am...It's like opening your eyes in the middle of the night to the unsettling dissillusionment of not knowing your surroundings. I've contemplated what my life would be like had I made different decisions earlier in life...I've wondered why doing the right thing always seemed to be enough for me, no matter what the sacrifice was, and why now it isn't enough. I can't justify my actions and life on rules and expectations. But there are things that I cannot change right now and results of decisions I've made that I cannot walk away from. So that leaves me with acceptance...And I think I finally got my arms around it for the moment.

Acceptance doesn't change feelings or emotions it just changes attitudes and willingness...So for now, I accept the things I cannot change and I'm willing to let go and let fate, faith, and hope take the wheel.

Love and Pain

Music is my muse and coping mechanism for life...And I've been listening to A LOT of music lately. The other day a lyric in a song caught my attention...

"I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."

Which made me wonder, can you have love without pain? Can you feel one without the other?

To me feeling pain is evidence that I love. If I didn't care about a person or a thing, would it hurt to loose them or it? Love and pain are the perfect ying and yang. I'm pretty sure you can't have one without the other. So bring on the pain when it comes because that only means I have loved. And love is worth it.

8 Days In...

I decided on New Year's Day that I wanted to write down in a notebook all the life lessons I learn this year. Each lesson comes with a memory and/or experience and my hope is that by recording these things as I go by the end of '08 I will be able to reflect on how far life has taken me. Then I thought why not do it here? I'm pretty candid and open with all my loyal blogging fans and just maybe my life lessons will benefit you too? If not I'm sure you'll at least find some entertainment value in a few of them.

It's only 8 days into the new year and I've already been busy creating some life changing moments so here is the start of my list...

2008 Life Lessons (so far):

1. The consumption of alcohol cannot be sustained over a 7 hour period without consequences, (you'd think I would have learned that before now - maybe its just a lesson we have to re-learn from time to time).

2. Don't let my neighbor Ed mix you a drink - pretty much EVER! I was warned and I didn't listen to the warning. My bad.

3. Grace and forgiveness given where it is undeserved can be more cleansing and painful than the judgement and punishment we think we deserve.

4. When you suck at life (like I do now) don't abort the process of healing. Things never go away, and you'll deal with it eventually.

To be continued...

Breakable

I wish I had put the thoughts in this song together first...Because it so perfectly describes me right now. Here is a glimpse into my soul - find what you will...

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

Breakable by: Ingrid Michaelson