Thursday, September 28, 2006

Oh How the Years Go By...


I can't believe it has already been more than a week since the last time I posted! It never ceases to amaze me how some seasons of life go by so quickly! An example is summer - I can't believe it's officially over:(. Where did it go? Seriously, in my mind, it is still July - maybe August and in reality the first day of October is only 3 days away!

This weekend Eric and I celebrated our seventh Anniversary together! Speaking of time flying...:)! Neither of us feel a day older than the day we married but some how two kids, five places of residence and seven years later, here we are!

Time seems to be my Blog theme of late... Maybe I am just realizing that it (time) is getting away from me and I can never get it back. It makes me nervous because I don't want to waste the time I have now...I know if I waste money or material possesions, in theory, I can earn more and replace what has been lost or wasted. Not so with Father time.

Today, I am resolved to make the most of the time I have and even if I don't spend it doing anything noteworthy or earth shattering according to the history books, at least I will be able to close my eyes at night with a sense of contentment and satisfaction. Errr - I hope!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Intelletual Riot

I've been trying to write a blog since yesterday at about this time. I'm struggling because there is so much I want to say and somehow when I try to release it the words and thoughts get jumbled together. I'm sure I don't want people to misunderstand me, but I'm also sure I want to express myself authentically...Not on the surface as I do so often when I am face to face with someone... When asked how I'm doing the reply is usually, "Good!" or "I'm hanging in there." if things aren't so good, but it's all superficial. That is all they want to know and that is all I give them.

So how am I doing today? Not so good - struggling really. I feel somewhat like I am suffocating. Inside of me there is this young, fiesty girl with dreams... Really I have pushed her back into the shadows since becoming a mom. Lately it seems like she has been screaming louder and kicking harder for some time and space and freedom, but the demands of the roles I am placed in won't allow for much if any of that. I feel like so much is expected of me and I don't have time, let alone energy to pursue the things that I really want to.

Do I regret my role as a full-time mom, homemaker and wife? No. They were all my choices and I take responsibility for them. However I feel there has to be a balance between my roles/responsibility and my humanity. I just don't know how to find that... I don't know how to let who I am and what I am exhale without compromising the quality and standard of life I have been giving my family. And they deserve that quality time... I really believe they do...

I guess I am just afraid that by the time my children are older and some freedom returns, my youth will have escaped me. I want to be young while I am young and not look back with regrets. My choices have put me in the position I am in today and I don't regret them but I do wish I had a little more freedom and time for me. Is that selfish?


PS (The John Mayer concert was GREAT! He is perhaps better live than recorded and in my opinion that makes for an amazing artist! I borrowed the title of this blog from him. He claims that is the name of his next recording. Whether it is or not we won't know for a year or two but you heard it first from me:)!)

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Continuum

I just bought the new John Mayer cd this morning and I love it! Yes, admittedly I am a John Mayer fan but I think this is his best album yet. Music is powerful, evokes emotion, gets us dancing, humming, singing, thinking, etc. So I thought exerpts of my favorite lyrics off this new cd might be a good discussion starter. By the way - I get to see him live in concert on Monday (my next post will probably have some mention of it)!

If you don't already have this cd I highly reccomend it! Here are a few of my fav. lines!

"Now, if we had the power to bring our neighbors home from war they would have never missed a Christmas no more ribbons on their door. And when you trust your television what you get is what you got cause when they own the information they can bend it all they want."
Waiting on the World to Change

"Belief is a beautiful armor but makes for the heaviest sword, like punching under water you never can hit who you're trying for... We're never gonna win the world we're never gonna stop the war we're never gonna beat this if belief is what we're fighting for."
Belief

"So scared of getting older I'm only good at being young so I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun. Had a talk with my old man said "Help me understand". He said "turn sixty-eight, you'll renegotiate"..."
Stop this Train

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Paradise

Life is what we make of it. After an incredibly frustrating week I jumped head first into another challenge. I participated in the Colorado Outward Bound relay race which is a 170 mile 24+ hour running relay. There were 10 runners - including myself - and we alternated running the 170 miles. I experienced a lot of external discomfort during the race. We were awake for at least 27 of the 30 hours it took us to complete the race. We ran through freezing rain, snow, mud and once we got in the car (wet usually) we were cramped as you can visualize from the picture above. Normally conditions like these might have ruined my outlook, my mood, even my day. Despite the external adversity we finished the race and enjoyed it. During the toughest parts we were laughing at ourselves, at the weather, at what we had chosen to throw ourselves into! We even named the back of the car paradise!

In retrospect, I've learned that my attitude really does impact my perseption of life. I need to make "Paradise" happen a little more often.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Raw

My toddler is flunking out of preschool... LOL it's not that bad, but today it feels that way. She is three and this is her third year in the same loving, nurturing preschool environment. I've only enrolled her in one half day and one full school day. To give you all the background and details would take too much of your time and typing, so since this is a blog I will spare you.

Megan typically has a hard time with transitions and being apart from me but she does always manage to adapt and enjoy herself given time. The assistant director of her preschool called me this morning after Megan's third straight hour of crying. They asked me to come pick her up and this is the second request of that nature. The preschool thinks she is under emotional stress and they want to try to back up and re-introduce her slowly. Both times they have called me to pick her up, I arrive and she is happy, content and in my interpretation almost smug...She got her way and is of course going to comply with them now.

The part I stuggle with is the request of the assistant director. She asked us to be positive and encouraging to Megan. To tell her how proud of her we are for making it through a half day of preschool when for the last two years she has been making it through full days!

"I'm proud of you honey, yea you threw a fit until they called me to pick you up, but way to go! You made it even if you were screaming and hollering the whole time...!":)
Humor and sarcasm are intended here just in case you couldn't read into that.

I'm frustrated. Emotional - yes. My eyes are raw. Did I ever expect to have the child that was observed for behavioral problems by the director and assistant director of a large prestigous school? The waiting list for her class is some 40 kids long I've been told. What's a mom to do? Is positive reinforcement really going to help her or am I encouraging the bad behavior? Am I missing the boat or are they?