Unraveling

If our life is a tapestry of fabric that we weave in and out of and weave our lives together on...How do you find individuality on that tapestry? It's not impossible to get things right the first time but it is rare. So is it necessary to unravel some of the fabric to find a unique and individual path? I think it can be...

The best comparison I have for this analogy was when I learned to knit. I started with a basic stitch and a simple scarf. I pulled that dumb thing apart I don't know how many times before I got it right and the stitching consistant. I still made mistakes along the way but for the most part I got it right...AND I finished what I started.

This unraveling that you may see in me isn't necessarily unhealthy though if it effects you it may be painful and scary to watch. It's painful for me too...But I can't re-do until I un-do. And I can't get it right if I don't pull things apart. I may make mistakes on the way to putting my life back together but I will finish this. Be patient:).

I hope that makes sense.

Checking Back Into Reality

I made it home and I've checked back into reality:). A snowy reality by tonight!! I'm still trying to digest everything that I experienced over the last seven days. But when I have something worth writing about I will update you:). I'd like to think of my time away as only a beginning to some much needed change in my life. Be patient with me and I'll get things figured out:)...

Bittersweet...

Last day...Didn't really know if I would post a blog today but here I am. I have to say the reality of going back to reality is bittersweet... I won't lie to you - the lazy lifestyle I've enjoyed the past 7 days has spoiled me in some ways:). But I do miss all of you and your daily love...I've been lonely the last two days which I kind of wanted to be:)...It was good for me because it does make me appreciate what I have to come home to...I missed so much having people around who know me and trust me and love me. I missed getting hugs, hearing your voices everyday. I watched people and their relationships the last few days and it made me understand what I have at home. So often we take for granted being known and knowing one another...It is something I, personally, need to survive. This trip has done me a world of good and there are definitely things here I will miss but my heart is in Colorado...And that is enough for me...

I LOVE you and will see you soon.

XO

Breathing

"...Remember what it's like to come into a beautiful place, a garden or a meadow or a quiet beach. There is room for your soul. It expands. You can breathe again. You can rest. It is good. All is well." Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge

So day five and my soul has finally been allowed to breath and I feel it expanding again. I hope I can take that home with me and not close up again...One of the things I have missed while I've been away is being hugged. I usually get a pretty good daily dose of hugs and I woke up this morning and had an ache for a big squeeze! It's something I must take for granted because I didn't anticipate missing it:).

The last two days I've allowed myself the time to lay around, read, write, think, listen and watch people...And its been good for me. I think its opened me up a lot...Hopefully not too little too late since this is my second to last day but I'll take what I can get.

I saw my "big fish" again today while I was on a run. I think they are porpoises after a little thought and the help of Google:)...Because I was closer today I saw them swimming in a group...AND another highlight of the day was that someone besides me took a picture of me:)! YES! I think it was a sympathy shot because as they were walking by and saw me trying to take a pic. of myself they offered. I laughed and let them take it. I'm so excited to have a picture without my arm in it holding up the camera that I'm posting it witht his blog:)! Haha!!

To borrow a quote from one of the comments left yesterday I would say this sums up a lot for me right now...

"Sometimes you have to tear your whole world apart and put it back together to get it right."

It's time to breath and rebuild...

Dreamer's Disease

Sorry I didn't get a blog up yesterday:)...I meant to because when I was running on the beach I heard this song and wanted these lyrics to be the words for the blog. This song expresses some of the things I've been unable to adequately convey about what is going on inside of me... Read and/or listen and you will hear my heart. Sorry if it errs on the cheesey side. You all still love me right?!;)

You Get What You Give
The New Radicals

Wake up kids
We've got the dreamers disease
Age 14 we got you down on your knees
So polite, you're busy still saying please
Frienemies, who when you're down ain't your friend
Every night we smash their mercedes-benz
First we run; and then we laugh till we cry
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find the light
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight
Chorus:
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget
You only get what you give
Four a.m. we ran a miracle mile
We're flat broke but hey we do it in style
The bad rich
God's flying in for your trial
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find a friend
You feel your tree is breaking
Just then
(chorus)
This whole damn world can fall apart
You'll be ok, follow your heart
You're in harms way i'm right behind
Now say you're mine
(chorus)
Don't let go
We feel the music in you
Fly high
What's real can't die
You only get what you give
Just don't be afraid to leave
Health insurance rip off lying fda big bankers buying
Fake computer crashes dining
Cloning while they're multiplying
Fashion mag shoots
With the aid of 8 dust brothers, beck hanson
Courtney love, and marilyn manson
You're all fakes
Run to your mansions
Come around
We'll kick your ass in!
Don't let go
One dance left

"Big Fish"

I'm settled in now and much more comfortable with my surroundings and being here:)...I LOVE the change of scenery! It's so different than what I see daily... I saw big fish this a.m. swimming out in the ocean. I say big fish because at first I thought they were the dorsal fins of dolphins but then realized maybe its too cold for dolphins this time of year...I honestly don't know?? So then I thought maybe whales but I really wasn't able to get a good look or know for sure because they were swimming so far out. It did make me happy though to see them in their natural habitat and I'm content to settle my ignorance by calling them "big fish":).

O.k. seriously, to the nitty gritty now...:) One of the reasons I wanted to take this trip was to be alone and take care of myself. I've never had to and/or gotten to do that before and I wanted to know that I could do it...Today I came to peace with the fact that even though I can and may be able to adequately manage life and all that goes with it on my own, it's nice to be taken care of and loved too. Having people in my life that I can trust and who I know do have my back and care about what happens to me or even just care about how I am doing is invaluable...And what made me realize that today was all the love I got from you in phone calls, emails, etc. Thanks:)...

XO

So Far...

I don't really have anything amazing or profound to write today... I LOVE it here in sunny So. California. I love my location. I'm right on the beach. Between the beach and my hotel is the Boardwalk - I guess that is what it is called...But it is all concrete so maybe that isn't technically accurate??

I didn't do much today a little reading, exploring and people watching. I'm feeling ambitious and may go out tonight for a happy hour drink...?? For those of you worrying about my safety, please don't. I have my head screwed on straight and have been very careful and aware of my surroundings :). It may give you peace of mind to know that this strikes me as a very touristy and SAFE location. There are always lots of people around.

I have to say its a little odd to be completely on my own. I haven't quite known what to do with myself since there are no schedules to keep, no demands...It's interesting:). I'm not sure what I think about it yet. Its's been a looonnnggg time since I've only been responsible for myself.

Any way, now I'm rambling so I'll just get to the pix and let you go until tomorrow:).


A view of the sunset from my patio last night






Oh look that's me...I've learned today that I SUCK at self-portraits. We'll see if I can improve over the next few days:)





Found a Fat Burger while exploring and it smelled so good I went in for some fries...Sad to say this is a pic of what I couldn't finish. I guess I need a buddy to share with:(





A common site around here - surfers!







BUSTED with my BFF for this trip...Blogging to you;).

A Beginning

There are some places in life that only you can go - alone. Some people will understand and support that but more than likely most people won't. They will question your motivations and intentions, especially if it is out of your character. It is only human nature to do so. I have personally been on both sides of the coin. Today my soul searching journey begins...Alone...I have removed myself from my familiar surroundings, my friends and my family - my comfort zone. I am hoping to find some uninterrupted clarity of mind here.

I will keep you posted and I will post pictures:)! Attached is the view from my room.

XO