This post has been a long time in coming. Trying to find words for what is going on inside of me sometimes can be difficult at best... I feel like a lot is changing. It probably always is but the changes happening now are related to my character, morals, values - my core so I notice them more.
A little raw honesty here tells you that I have never felt like a natural mommy. It's a position I was operating in but maybe not coping with well - like I was doing a job but always looking ahead for another opportunity. I wanted so much to feel what other mommy's felt - a love and gratitude for what I do day in and day out. And I wanted to really appreciate the privilege of being able to be home with my kids and not just say I did! I felt like I was looking through a window at what I should be but somehow not able to get into that place...Until recently.
I think when I took Megan in for her first day of Pre-K this August it suddenly dawned on me that this was her last year at home full time with me before she started a new chapter in her life... This realization was almost devastating to me. I still felt like I hadn't connected to the whole mommy thing the way I should and I felt guilty for all the lost time.
Shortly after that I found an AMAZING nanny/babysitter for Ben. She was supposed to give me one day of freedom. I would leave Ben with her on the one full day that Megan was in school and go to work. This was what I wanted and whined and pleaded for for years...But...
It only took one day for me to realize that working away from my kids was not what I wanted to do anymore. The shoe didn't fit like I thought it would. I thought about them both and missed them throughout that day. Now on the day I'm supposed to leave Ben with his nanny I find myself coming up with all kinds of excuses and reasons why I have to cancel. The heart of the matter is just that I want to be with him. I want to be here.
Maybe I'm a slow learner. Maybe I looked through the glass long enough to see it... Or maybe I'm just in the process of becoming. Either way, I am embracing the fact that I am a mommy and even on the really bad days, I wouldn't miss another minute of it for the world!
To be continued...
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4 comments:
You are an awesome Mommy...don't ever think you aren't! We all have moments feeling the way you do. I sure do! I applaud you for staying at home. Call me anytime you need to talk girl! I'm here for you!
Love ya!
I think it is a strategy of the enemy to make us moms feel like what we are doing is not a credible occupation. You are the most important person in your family and you are fulfilling the greatest calling in life.
You are so precious! Yes, there are season in our lives, especially us 'mommy's!' We have to stand our ground and trust that God Almighty knew what He was doing when He entrusted the lives of these precious ones to us. I have definitely felt moments such as yours, so don't feel bad. Yet, there is nothing so rewarding and fulfilling but of course challenging to than being a stay at home mommy! I just told Brian the other day that if my kids are going to be 'messed up' then atleast I know it was by me and not someone else - lol! We are all learning and growing and will continue too as long as we listen to that still small voice. Chin up, you are a beautiful, loving, and caring, fun mom! Your kids are blessed to have you!
Moms are the most important people on earth and the least appreciated. After all, you are raising the future of the human race. Your feelings are perfectly normal and I must say those are the most beautiful kids I've ever seen. You are doing a wonderful job. You can still work and raise great kids, or not. Whatever makes you happy, will make them happy.
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