I've been trying to write a blog since yesterday at about this time. I'm struggling because there is so much I want to say and somehow when I try to release it the words and thoughts get jumbled together. I'm sure I don't want people to misunderstand me, but I'm also sure I want to express myself authentically...Not on the surface as I do so often when I am face to face with someone... When asked how I'm doing the reply is usually, "Good!" or "I'm hanging in there." if things aren't so good, but it's all superficial. That is all they want to know and that is all I give them.
So how am I doing today? Not so good - struggling really. I feel somewhat like I am suffocating. Inside of me there is this young, fiesty girl with dreams... Really I have pushed her back into the shadows since becoming a mom. Lately it seems like she has been screaming louder and kicking harder for some time and space and freedom, but the demands of the roles I am placed in won't allow for much if any of that. I feel like so much is expected of me and I don't have time, let alone energy to pursue the things that I really want to.
Do I regret my role as a full-time mom, homemaker and wife? No. They were all my choices and I take responsibility for them. However I feel there has to be a balance between my roles/responsibility and my humanity. I just don't know how to find that... I don't know how to let who I am and what I am exhale without compromising the quality and standard of life I have been giving my family. And they deserve that quality time... I really believe they do...
I guess I am just afraid that by the time my children are older and some freedom returns, my youth will have escaped me. I want to be young while I am young and not look back with regrets. My choices have put me in the position I am in today and I don't regret them but I do wish I had a little more freedom and time for me. Is that selfish?
PS (The John Mayer concert was GREAT! He is perhaps better live than recorded and in my opinion that makes for an amazing artist! I borrowed the title of this blog from him. He claims that is the name of his next recording. Whether it is or not we won't know for a year or two but you heard it first from me:)!)
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
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1 comment:
I hear you, Marion. You are not alone. That is one reason I signed up for tap lessons. I need a creative outlet.
MOPS has also been a good thing to help me learn to balance things a little better. Do you go to MOPS? I am sure there is one near you... afterall, the headquarters are in Denver. This year the theme is "Fresh Air: What every mom needs". I just went to the national convention and they talked about breathing deeply... living fully. It was really good. (I am sure my blog will contain so more info on the convention.)
Anyway, hang in there. I will be praying for you. You are not alone.
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