8 Days In...

I decided on New Year's Day that I wanted to write down in a notebook all the life lessons I learn this year. Each lesson comes with a memory and/or experience and my hope is that by recording these things as I go by the end of '08 I will be able to reflect on how far life has taken me. Then I thought why not do it here? I'm pretty candid and open with all my loyal blogging fans and just maybe my life lessons will benefit you too? If not I'm sure you'll at least find some entertainment value in a few of them.

It's only 8 days into the new year and I've already been busy creating some life changing moments so here is the start of my list...

2008 Life Lessons (so far):

1. The consumption of alcohol cannot be sustained over a 7 hour period without consequences, (you'd think I would have learned that before now - maybe its just a lesson we have to re-learn from time to time).

2. Don't let my neighbor Ed mix you a drink - pretty much EVER! I was warned and I didn't listen to the warning. My bad.

3. Grace and forgiveness given where it is undeserved can be more cleansing and painful than the judgement and punishment we think we deserve.

4. When you suck at life (like I do now) don't abort the process of healing. Things never go away, and you'll deal with it eventually.

To be continued...

Breakable

I wish I had put the thoughts in this song together first...Because it so perfectly describes me right now. Here is a glimpse into my soul - find what you will...

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

Breakable by: Ingrid Michaelson

Highlights of 2007

After trying without success for almost 24 hours to upload this to my video slider on myspace, I decided to post it here.

For those of you who don't know, I put this slideshow together by request for our office Christmas party. I'm posting it by request also for those of you who missed it the first time around and for those who just requested a repeat performance. I've edited some of it to make it a tish more PC, but other than that it is in the original format:).

Hope you enjoy!

Just a Quick Wish

I was out for drinks last night with a friend and we were discussing how much our lives have changed in the past year. The more we talked the more it seemed that almost everyone we knew had experienced major life changes in '07 as well. It's interesting...I'm not sure if maybe I just don't notice this shift towards change from year to year or if 2007 was a major year of change for a lot of people...But whatever the case it was significant for us to look back and reflect on how things were a year ago as opposed to what the reality is today.

It lead me to wonder what this next year will bring and what I'll be sitting and reflecting on next year at this time...Whatever it may be, I'm thankful to be experiencing life and the daily pleasures and pains it brings. And my only Christmas wish for this year at this time is that in 2008 when I look back I will find the changes that I choose to be for good and that the things I can't control I will have learned to accept and move forward in with strength.

I wish the same for all of you as well. Merry Christmas!!!

XO

A Blog About Nothing

Writing has always been a release to me so it is super frustrating when the thoughts inside my head collide and I can't figure out a logical or rational way to express them with words. I've been wanting to update my blog for awhile but with nothing to talk about it seems I'll be leaving you hanging for another week or so. Hopefully I can sort the chaos in my head out soon:).

XO

One Step Behind Reality

Things here are getting a little wild. After over 7 months of Eric manuevering and trying to buy his engineering division it is VERY suddenly happening. If all goes well, and all the required documents and signatures are aquired, Eric will be the proud owner of Vision Engineering by Monday! Were we anticipating this date as the closing date? No...But ready or not, the bank and the owners are pitching to him. I guess I always thought the closing date would come at the earliest by mid-December the latest being the first of '08. It's funny when you get your mind set on something how a sudden change can interrupt your orbit and throw it off balance. All of this "suddeness" is a little overwhelming to both of us. I readily admit that this is happening at a rate I am not digesting. Which makes me think I am insane to just let this coast right into our lives before we anticipated it. Regardless of my inability to comprehend this I have complete confidence that Eric will smack this pitch right out of the park. This is his time and I know, as well as many others that he of all people can do this and do well with it (the company)!!

For now I'm trying to level believing that we are ready and can handle this on top of the holiday hub-bub, two children and their activities for the holidays, and everything else life gives day in and day out. Perhaps if I had time to think it all through I would melt down. At least this way it is done and we move forward!

If you would have told me a year ago this is where our lives would be today I probably would have laughed at you and I'm sure I wouldn't have believed you for a second...

Thankful!

Since Thanksgiving is upon us I thought I would jot down a small list of (in no particular order of importance) the things I am most thankful for. I feel like I am often so rushed, especially with 2 kids that I wanted to take a quiet moment of reflection before this holiday slips past me for another year.

Wishing you and your loved ones a warm and happy turkey day!

XO

I'm thankful for life, for breath, for a heart that beats so that I can experience the every day and the mundane.

I'm thankful for love - to give and receive it, to feel it and touch it. To be burned by it and to burn with it...There is no greater wealth.

I'm thankful for my friends and family who understand me (or maybe they don't all the time:)!) but regardless show me what it is to love and be loved.

I'm thankful for a warm house filled with loud and at times screaming children, an often dirty kitchen, and an often dusty shelf filled with memories. These are the sounds and signs of a healthy home.

I'm thankful for my husband. I haven't met a woman or wife yet that is luckier than me. I can't believe sometimes that he is mine and I NEVER want to take him for granted, though I'm sure I do:).

I'm thankful for this quiet moment to reflect on these things. It's quiet because my kids are napping and for that I am thankful too!:)

Without these basic elements in my life, I would be lost. What a great time of year to reflect and remind ourselves that life is a rare and incomprehensible treasure:).

Take Every Breath God Gives You for What It's Worth."

Yes...Another blog set to music. I can't help it. I've been wanting to blog for a few weeks now about living life with no regrets, getting older, etc. And I couldn't find the words to bring my thoughts to life...Until I watched the CMA's last night and saw Kenny Chesney perform "Don't Blink". And I knew that was it, there was something to build my blog around. I've heard the song before a few times and loved the lyrics but this time I heard the song filtered through what I've been wanting to write about.

Here we are in this game of life and the older we get it seems the faster the game goes. I am now approaching my 30's (turning 29 this year) and I know those who are already there are probably already rolling their eyes at what they think I'm going to say but I'm going to say it anyway - you can keep rolling your eyes...:) It seems that at 30 something changes - either it is that you realize you aren't as young as you want to be anymore or that you realize youth is getting away from you in the blink of an eye. Suddenly 1 year doesn't seem so long and you want to make your time worthwhile, live with no regrets.

I decided after thinking a lot about that statement, "Live with no regrets" that for me that is impossible to do. I live and that in itself is a gift. I don't know how one can truly live without regrets when we can't know, don't know the consequences of all our decisions before we make them or while we are making them. I think I want to get to the end of my life and look back and be thankful for a life lived to the best of my knowledge and ability. I want to look back and like this song writer so aptly put it, see that in a blink of an eye I've lived a life full of love.

And for those of you who may think (or have accused me of) taking life too seriously - believe me I'm not:)! I'm just living! And taking every breath God gives me for what it is worth! I think each breath is priceless!

Patterns of Grey

Life often doesn't turn according to our expectations and/or anticipation. Lately that has been one of the clearest messages coming across the screen of my life. You think things are going to go one way and they go another. You bank on people doing something and they do another thing entirely... You're sure you heard someone say something and find out you misunderstood their intentions entirely. And it's hard not to feel disappointed, betrayed, self-pitiful:)! I have to say at this moment I'm feeling a little blue about some things relating to this. BUT I want to be strong and I want to move through this pattern of grey. Knowing everything will be alright and turn out somehow has to be enough. No answers are presenting themselves...So I'll just keep trying and hanging on ever so precariously to the "when" everything will work out and be alright.

"If you're listening this is how much it hurts..."

Colorado...

I LOVE this and I qualify for just about every one of these:)!

You're from Colorado if...

You'll eat ice cream in the winter.

When the weather report says it's going to be 65 degrees, you shave your legs and wear a skirt.

It snows 5 inches and you don't expect school to be cancelled.

You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature.

You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And then you make
fun of them.

'Humid' is over 25%.

Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and Away from the
mountains.

You say 'the interstate' and everybody knows which one.

You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard.

You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat.

You know what the Continental Divide is.

You don't think Coors beer is that big a deal.

You went to Casa Bonita as a kid.

You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such
activities.

You always know the elevation of where you are.

You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and you wonder if it's going to
snow tomorrow.

You don't care that some company renamed it, the Broncos still play at Mile
High.

Every movie theater has military and student discounts.

Everybody wears jeans to church.

You actually know that South Park is a real place not just a show on TV.

You know what a 'trust fund hippy' is, and you know its natural habitat is
Boulder.

You know you're talking to a fellow Coloradoan when they call it Elitches,not Six Flags.

A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you.

Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is beating the crap out
of the Raiders.

You've been to the original Chipotle near the DU campus on Evans.

When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you
just laugh.

You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels 'sticky' and you
notice the sky is no longer blue.

...Yep pretty much:)!

I Am Becoming, Part 1

This post has been a long time in coming. Trying to find words for what is going on inside of me sometimes can be difficult at best... I feel like a lot is changing. It probably always is but the changes happening now are related to my character, morals, values - my core so I notice them more.

A little raw honesty here tells you that I have never felt like a natural mommy. It's a position I was operating in but maybe not coping with well - like I was doing a job but always looking ahead for another opportunity. I wanted so much to feel what other mommy's felt - a love and gratitude for what I do day in and day out. And I wanted to really appreciate the privilege of being able to be home with my kids and not just say I did! I felt like I was looking through a window at what I should be but somehow not able to get into that place...Until recently.

I think when I took Megan in for her first day of Pre-K this August it suddenly dawned on me that this was her last year at home full time with me before she started a new chapter in her life... This realization was almost devastating to me. I still felt like I hadn't connected to the whole mommy thing the way I should and I felt guilty for all the lost time.

Shortly after that I found an AMAZING nanny/babysitter for Ben. She was supposed to give me one day of freedom. I would leave Ben with her on the one full day that Megan was in school and go to work. This was what I wanted and whined and pleaded for for years...But...

It only took one day for me to realize that working away from my kids was not what I wanted to do anymore. The shoe didn't fit like I thought it would. I thought about them both and missed them throughout that day. Now on the day I'm supposed to leave Ben with his nanny I find myself coming up with all kinds of excuses and reasons why I have to cancel. The heart of the matter is just that I want to be with him. I want to be here.

Maybe I'm a slow learner. Maybe I looked through the glass long enough to see it... Or maybe I'm just in the process of becoming. Either way, I am embracing the fact that I am a mommy and even on the really bad days, I wouldn't miss another minute of it for the world!

To be continued...

Eight Years Ago...

On this day eight years ago I made the best decision of my lifetime! When you say "I do" you can't imagine that down the road you could love that person any more than you already do at that moment. I can say today my love for Eric is incomprehensible to me. The words, "I love you" seem extremely inadequate at best...! And I definitely love him more than I did 8 years ago!

I created a movie attempting to depict what Eric means to me...Hopefully it gives you a glimpse into our love story.

Happy Anniversary Eric! I don't think I would do very well without you any more:). Hopefully this shows you into my heart:).

XO

Ready Or Not

The big week of the race I've been training for (and blogging about) has arrived. I have one last shorter run to accomplish this afternoon and then I'm putting my training on the shelf and resting...Before exposing my body to uncertain pain :). Our team start time is 5:40 a.m. on Friday. So think of us when you wake up all cozy in your bed. We will be somewhere out in the mountains running (willingly) in the crisp fall air.

I'm not sure that I feel 100% prepared but I've put my best foot forward in my training (ha) and I hope it will be enough. Ready or not, it's time to knock it out!

XO

A picture of last year's race day. Just to give you an idea :).

Steppin' In It

Have you ever stepped unintentionally on a piece of nasty sticky chewing gum spit out on hot pavement...Or worse yet, an unclaimed pile of doggy lawn chocolate?!! You weren't watching where you were stepping and now you and your shoes are paying a steep price for it...

Yes, well I did that this weekend, only not technically with my feet and shoes. I did it in a relationship and now I am paying the price. I've learned a lot about myself through this and about consequences. But I can't shake the way it makes me feel... Just like the sticky tack of your shoes or the smell of them after you step in something, what I did lingers in the back of my mind constantly and it makes me more than sad...More like grieved. Like I've lost something I can't replace and that something WAS/IS valuable to me. I sort of feel like I deserve this and I'm trying to work through it and feel it completely because I never want to do this again.

:(...

Confusion Compounded

I'm confused about something and the more I think about it the more I am confused as to why I am even confused - if that makes any sense... Wish someone could help me sort out my chaotic thoughts and feelings... Just thought I'd let you know. There isn't much more I can articulate eloquently:). Are you confused too now???!!

Have a good weekend!

Burnt or Burning...A Follow Up

Begin cheesey theme song! Oh yesssss!

So I left you on a sour running note...And after Eric, who doubles as my coach,:) read my blog he pointed to his head and smiled that charming smile. I have to admit I was a little Grrrr at that at first because that code means: "It's all in your head.".

Fast forward. I woke up Wednesday and couldn't drag myself out of bed in time to take an early a.m. run by myself and since I need the training that left me with the option of running later in the morning with my 60 lb. love trophy in tow. Still feeling a little bitter about Monday's run I chose that option knowing full well that this run would either make me mad or I would fight through it!

I decided to fight and it turned out to be one of my best runs of the season! When I finished I felt strong - not hot, sweaty and pissy:)! And then I connected the dots. It was all in my head - it is all in my head. So, to be a strong runner - maybe even person; I have to not only show up physically but I have to get my head and my attitude in the game.

I ran again today with that stroller full of love and I'm thinking these runs are the best thing I did for myself this week. If asked that on Monday - not so much.

Lesson of the week: Running is as much a mental sport as it is a physical one. Perhaps the sport of life is comparatively the same. Show up physically and mentally and fight!

How to Know When You are Burnt

Someone asked me not too far back if I enjoyed the sport of running. Honestly my answer is no, but do I run? Yes. Why? Because I enjoy the challenge. I'm not usually one to shrink from a challenge - one that is "Marion-sized" that is... And so every time I run it presents a challenge and I enjoy that. I enjoy finishing a run and knowing I did it.

Well recently running has become even more "challenging":). I don't want to conquer the challenge of it any more so I've lost my motivation:). Not even my cute little running skirt (sooo CUTE btw) can inspire me. The problem is that I signed myself up for this relay again. The one that I have to run almost 16 miles in three different legs over the course of 24 hours. Yeah, that one. I was so ready to do it again a year ago just after tackling and completing it successfully... A year ago.

So going for a run usually starts this way for me. I get up (try to go early to beat the heat). I lay back down. I get up cause I gave my word to this team and I am not going to let them down by half a**ing it... I manage to get the appropriate running attire on. Now I'm committed. I make a couple potty stops cause lord knows a tortuous run can only be made worse by the immediacy of needing to relieve yourself in the middle of one's run. I stretch and I'm out the door. UGH. Walking now, trying to inhale and exhale - you know the basics. Trying to psyche myself up for the run. O.k. at the corner now I'm jogging. Oh man, who thought this was a good idea. It doesn't feel like a good idea!

Yep, so that is how it goes usually. Except today I thought it would be a good idea to push a stroller full of 2 kids (about 60 extra lbs.) for conditioning sake in about 80 degree heat. YES that was smart. And so while I was running and thinking of this relay that I committed to, and all the while listening to the incessant firing of questions from my four year old, like "where does the sky end mommy?"... Try answering that while you are baking in the sun, in cardio overload.... It hits me, I need a break - from running. I think I will try something more tranquil - like ballet. In three weeks that is. Wish me luck. I'll let you know how it (the relay and training for it) goes.

XO

I'm Not Who I Was... Are You?

I have a song posted right now on my myspace profile entitled, I'm not who I was. Someone asked me the other day, who I am now and who I am not anymore... I wanted to answer that question right away, but I thought better of it and allowed myself time to ponder it. The conclusion I've come to is that life is constantly changing me. I'm growing, learning, maturing, experiencing, etc. Life is a never ending process. My understanding of life has changed by my experiences.

The constants I have found are my moral values or code. This is the line I go back to - its my compass and stabilizer as I walk through life. The only other constant for me is God. And He alone is responsible for guiding my moral values and codes. Everything else that I can think of changes... Relationships grow and change, bloom and die. People come and go, are young and grow old and pass on. My environment and surroundings can change almost daily due to weather, seasons, choices people. I could go on but I think you get the overall point.

I'm not who I was because I can't be. The process of life is changing me consistently. I hope that the changes that occur are mostly for the better...

What I Should be Doing and What I am Doing... Well:)...

So right now I'm supposed to be cleaning my house but somehow blogging beat out scrubbing toilets? Hmmm...:)

This weekend we went back to my home town for a few days. It was a catch up weekend. I pretty much tried to see as many friends as possible so our days were busy and our time pretty full...And then there was my 10 year class reunion, (for me it was actually more like 14 years since I left that class before we entered high school) but they still invited me to come any way - thanks guys:)! So what I found in all this chasing and catching up was that my really good friends, we haven't missed a beat. It was so refreshing and I LOVED it! We haven't seen each other maybe for a year or two or fourteen but it still felt like yesterday when we talked. And really that in itself speaks for the relationships. Time tested and distance worn but still there is something that remains.

I also found that even in the midst of catching up you can make new friends which was perhaps the nicest surprise of my reunion. I met a girl there who married a guy in my class and well, the rest of the evening was history - right Megann:)?!! Who knew I would find such truth this weekend in the old adage, "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold..."

The weekend was an experience I am truly having a hard time putting into words for you to understand. It was good (as lame as the word seems in comparison to the experience), and it was fun...AND I hope you all have some golden and silver relationships in your life:)! Sorry if that is cheesey but right now it's the only way I know how to say it:).

XO

Without Risk it is Impossible to Succeed and Without Vision it is Impossible to Risk

Hey all. For those of you who read my blog and may not know this, Eric is in the process of trying to purchase the engineering office that he works at. So far the negotiations have gone well but there remains one LARGE problem... The lack of work at the office and the promise of on going projects after the purchase.

It seems there is a level of shuffling and second guessing going on at the moment with regards to the low level of work. I don't want to play down the reality that exists. The company is in a bad way. But I do want to play up the fact that all is not lost yet. In fact, far from it. Eric and I have not stopped fighting for this company and we will not until we win or there is nothing left to fight for. We've both been doing everything we can to look for work and I know others at the office have been just as diligent.

So now it's time to get down to the meat and potatoes of this blog, (and hopefully this doesn't sound too cheesey)... I believe in the future of Vision Engineering, LLC. In fact the name is very befitting of our situation right now. It takes vision to see into the future and see what can happen and what we can become. It takes choosing to risk a little to hopefully find success. I'm not guaranteeing we will because frankly I can't. But what I am saying is that if we focus on what we can control, like our attitudes, our commitment and our vision we have a better chance of succeeding than if we all bailed and jumped ship now. How great would it be to prove the critics wrong and raise our heads proudly again?

O.k. that's it for my Monday afternoon soap box. Dig deep and see where you stand and how far your Vision goes.:-).


Lotsa Luv!